MIND MOVES: Anger is a very familiar emotion, but some of us are more comfortable than others as we sense the signs of its arrival: an uneasy sensation arising in the stomach, a prickling at the back of the neck, and a thumping heart writes Dr Tony Bates.
People who can express their anger in an appropriate way are capable of using its energy to address an injustice, to stand their ground, to reprimand a transgressor where necessary, but are able to do this without bullying, terrorising or shaming someone else.
Expressing anger in a constructive way can bring clarity to a relationship, and help to move a relationship forward from where it may have been stuck for a long time.
People who don't feel comfortable with the emotion of anger tend to either explode or to implode with it. They give hell to others or make hell for themselves. They either erupt and say or do things they regret. Or they suppress their emotions and find themselves afflicted by feelings of tiredness, depression, or perhaps chronic pains and aches.
Anger may an emotion you fear and feel somewhat ashamed of. As a child you may have been told it was undesirable to feel anger and, as a result, you've have spent a lifetime trying to be submissive to others in the hope that you might avoid conflict.
Generally speaking, we live in a culture that encourages us to give vent to our anger. We are told not to allow other people to take advantage of us. If a driver pulls into the lane in front of us, if a neighbour takes our parking space, or if someone is overtly disrespectful towards us, we get strong advice to "give as good as you get". Showing tolerance is portrayed as weakness; showing our anger demonstrates personal strength. But all too often, our angry responses leave us hurting and worked up, and make an already overheated situation even more inflamed.
Anger is typically activated in you when someone says or does something that pierces your defences and opens up some painful feelings in you. You convince yourself that someone else is to blame for causing the anger within you and you retaliate by saying very hurtful things to make them leave you alone.
You may become very aggressive, though most of the time you don't react in such an extreme way. Instead you punish them by becoming mean, cranky, annoyed, frustrated and wander around with an expression on your face that isn't pretty.
In the heat of anger, you may say things that are highly out of character. You are like a stranger to yourself and to your closest friends and loved ones. You think you're getting something "off your chest" but you are actually becoming a prisoner of your anger and hurt. When you go straight to anger, you short-circuit any possibility of being able to be there for yourself and take care of the hurt that is in you.
You also damage your closest relationships and lose out on the possibility of working things out with the person who matters the most. If we are to grow together, we need to be able to create a space where we can acknowledge these feelings in a safe way and understand what they tell us.
The first step in dealing effectively with anger is to recognise when you are angry and accept it when it arises in you. Accepting your anger gives you time to consider what's it's really about. It may well be that someone has touched off some wound of pain and rejection to which you've have been blind until now.
When you are seriously worked up and hurting, you need to extend some kindness to yourself and allow your emotions to cool down and come to rest. Taking yourself for a walk, writing down your angry hurt feelings in a journal or letter, and talking it over with a friend, all help you to contain your anger and let yourself calm down before you try and confront the person who has triggered these feelings.
When you've had some time to calm down, think about how you want to talk to the person who has upset you. And do it sooner, rather than later. Don't let it eat you up inside for days. Writing might be an easier way in some circumstances.
But if you do decide on a face-to-face conversation, start by owning up to the fact that you've been upset about something and that you would appreciate a chance to talk it over. Resist the urge to get in there with a tirade about how awful they are to have upset you. Your emotional reactions are your business, nobody made you feel this way. Don't go in there with the agenda of making them admit their wrong. This is a conversation you are choosing to have out of respect for yourself. You would like to understand what happened, to clear the air between you both, and see whether you could work out some way this doesn't keep happening.
Behind angry hurt feelings, there is usually some need that is not being expressed. A need to be respected, a need to be trusted, to be included in some project, or simply the need for the other's support. Moving beyond anger to these underlying needs allows you both to learn from the crisis and move the relationship forward. The solution to the crisis - the way forward - becomes a lot clearer, when each person is given a chance to clarify their position.
Dr Tony Bates is principal psychologist at St James's Hospital, Dublin.