SPRING has arrived in Washington. It is not just that the weather is so mild, with temperatures in the 60s and even the 70s, but the lawn-care men are busy touting for business.
Lawns are serious business here. In Ireland if you don't want to cut the grass yourself, the local boy scout will be glad to earn a few bob once a week.
Here in the country of psychoanalysis, you get your lawn analysed first. Our analyst is TruGreen-ChemLawn. He provided a "14-point lawn analysis" free and his conclusion is that our lawn is in "fair to poor" condition but has "excellent potential" and of course he will "Ball to discuss".
Mr TruGreen noted we had no gate and no dog. We had three grass types - fine fescue, tall fescue and zoysiagrass. Thank God we were free of lawn diseases such as "striped smut", "necrotic ring spot" and "rust".
Analysis yielded no evidence of insects such as "cranberry girdler" or "sod webworm". But "aeration" was recommended for our "thatch".
Mr TruChcm signed off by saying: "We are anxious to hear from you and begin working as your partner towards a healthier, greener lawn that we'll both be proud of for years to come." Amen to that.
As it happens we were being cared for last year by a team from Freedom Lawns, who invaded the road weekly with enough mechanised equipment to clear a jungle and no fancy analysis. A few weeks ago, however, a message came through the front door: "Freedom Lawns is out of business - but don't panic. Hi, my name is Gary Hoopcr" [not the real name for reasons that will become obvious].
"I have been cutting your lawn for years as foreman of Freedom Lawns. This spring I have teamed up with Chevy Landscapes and it is my goal to continue the quality service I have been providing you for years," etc etc.
Well, it was nice to know that Gary had survived the crash of Freedom Lawns. But had it really crashed?
Some days later, the following came through the letter-box: I think it shows that it is not Just the lawns that need analysis. As this is the paper of record, the full document is hereby available to students of the American way of life:
"Freedom Lawns is in business.
"An ex-foreman for Freedom Lawns who is currently experienceing major drug and alcohol problems is distributing bogus fliers and making false claims, including the dissolution of Freedom Lawns. This is nonsense. The writer of this flier has not been cutting your lawn for years as foreman of Freedom Lawns as he falsely claims.
"He worked for five months of one season last year - and was fired because he is incapable of getting out of bed in the morning due to late-night partying, night after night after night. And as you may suspect from the professionalism of the flyer, he is grossly incompetent. Here are some more entertaining facts as of last December.
. " He has an arrest warrant, outstanding in Prince George's County.
. " His licence was 55p due to his refusal of a chemical test.
. " He has continued driving without a licence.
. " His driving record is filled with broken court dates labelled `did not appear'.
. "He had undergone in-house drug rehabilitation for four weeks last June but was back on the drugs and alcohol almost immediately.
. "His own mother has kicked him out of her home, due to his refusal to address his many major problems.
. " He has no fixed address.
. " I have determined he is unemployable.
. " I could go on and on but I think you get the idea. The fact is Freedom Lawns is available to cut lawns in 1997 just as we've always been. We will generally charge the same price as last year as we have not raised prices since the Bush Administration. Call me with questions. Thank you.
Signed: Matthew Clare, Owner of Freedom Lawns."
So you see, getting your grass cut here is not like at home.