Readers' Advice
Helen and her friends should certainly cut loose from Mary for holidays. It is ridiculous to allow her to turn a vacation into a penitential exercise! However, they are going to find it hard to tell her straight out that she is no longer welcome as a seventh member of the party, when they have taken her along for so many years. Could the three couples branch out this year and each couple go on holiday on their own (would that be so unbearable?) If the traditional group holiday were off, then it would be quite natural for them to say that they'd new plans, each couple going off for a holiday by themselves, in which, naturally, she would not be included. Next year, if they wanted, the three couples could team up again, but a precedent would have been set for Mary's going on holiday independently and it would not then seem so harsh to announce they thought that even numbers worked better! They can surely salve their consciences if each couple takes Mary on an outing now and again during the year. M.G. - Dublin
You have two options Helen. Ask Mary's "separated husband" to join you this year. He probably won't, but before he makes his mind, up tell Mary he's going. That, of course, is only postponing the problem.
The safest way (but needing a lot of courage and an enormous amount of hard neck) is to go ahead and book without her. So what if you lose her friendship? She doesn't seem like the kind of friend you would miss anyway. Now is the time to nip it in the bud. You have been more than good to her for the last three years.
There is, actually, another way out but it's only for cowards, so don't read any further if you're a brave, kind, upstanding and honourable person. Cut out the relevant piece from the paper, drop it through her letter-box on your way to the travel agent, and then run very quickly. J. M. - Dublin 9
YOU are perfectly normal to dread holidaying with a difficult woman. Granted, Mary has had to adapt to the single life after her broken marriage. So have thousands of others. It was generous of the six of you to invite her along on her first year after the separation. But a mistake which you regretted.
Now is the time to act decisively. The three couples must present a fait accompli to Mary, with details of dates and destination. You are entitled to relax completely and recharge your batteries in a carefree atmosphere without irritants. I hope you you.
OK, Mary may be hurt and disappointed but she can hardly have been unaware of her negative contribution for the last three years. It won't be the end of the world for her, either. Social clubs and coach tours suit people making a fresh start. She will, hopefully, learn that to enjoy a holiday she has to adopt a more friendly, outgoing manner and be thoughtful of others. Who knows, she might acquire new friends; even embark on a relationship that will enhance her life.
Wish her all the best and enjoy that break in total bliss!
Rose Mooney, Dublin 11
YOU have all the trump cards. You have favourable odds. You have unity - ni neart go cur le cheile. Three couples versus one manipulator must sort out this predicament for good and all and, more importantly, for the good of all.
How about a pre-holiday get-together in a pub or coffee shop? With six people in happy collusion, a congenial atmosphere can be easily established.
Let it be orchestrated to the last . . . Let the most coaxing voice tell of the wonders of the super relationships course she enjoyed so well, where planning, sharing and discussion were shown to be the best ingredient for group harmony. The economic voice can then point to the fairest way of pooling the cash and of dividing the resources evenly. Then the wise organiser can simply suggest an Each-Morning-Plan-the-Day session at which, in alphabetical order, each member of the group will set an agenda. One day in seven may be dull but, by the law of averages, six days seem promising.
To counter Mary's moods and depressing negativity, concerted action can be taken. Note the skilful mother who diverts her toddler from the carving knife to the magical fish slice and pay heed to the deft teacher who can transform the inflammable playground riot into a barrel of fun by wise intervention.
Kathleen Ryder - Co Mayo
I sympathise with you. It's a shame to have your annual holiday spoiled. I wouldn't suggest you go without Mary - if you do you will all feel guilty. Anyway, with all the sadness in her life, Mary needs a holiday with friends more than any of your group but she definitely should not be allowed to "take over". She should be allowed to moan a bit the first day or so - after that the group should insist you are all on your holidays to enjoy yourselves and everyone should leave their problems at home. Be nice but be very firm. About Mary organising everything to suit her - surely if it's six to one she can be overruled at least some of the time. The fact that the rest of you are happily married means you can afford to be generous.
If Mary doesn't like the new rules, perhaps she won't want to go with you next year and your problems will be solved. Mary O'Neill - Monaghan
THAT Mary could bear to trail along on holiday with and be subsidised by three "smug complacent" couples shows the toll her heartbreak has taken on her pride.
The kindest thing you six could do would be to break the habit for at least one year. If you cannot bear to holiday in separate couples, there are plenty of "special interest" holidays which might appeal and broaden your horizons. M.T. - Cork
They should take Mary with them this year but tell her that they are all going to do their own thing during the day and only meet up in the evening. See how this plan works. If it does, then invite her for next year. If it doesn't, Helen and her friends should tell Mary at the end of the holiday that they won't be inviting her next year. Mary - who has probably only been going with you because she has nothing better on offer - could be delighted.
Break the chains. Mary will benefit. After all what has she got to lose? You lot don't want her. You are so close to each other that there is no room at the inn.
To Mary - run, girl, run. You are single. Single!! Rebuild. Enjoy. They are married. You have nothing in common except a shared past - the famous "togetherness" is history. M.L. - Dublin