Women's Aid says there has been a big jump in stalking and bullying by phone, text and social networking and that we need to brush up on online privacy settings
NIAMH'S EX-BOYFRIEND Dave used to criticise her down in front of family and friends. He yelled at her and called her names, so she finished the relationship. "I didn't hear from him for a few weeks. Then the texts started, first in the middle of the night and then all day long, text after text, calling me names."
Niamh, a college student, changed her mobile number and thought she had put an end to it. "Then I got a message on Facebook from two of my college friends, accusing me of calling them sluts and of blaming them for what happened between me and Dave. I didn't know where it came from. Then the worst thing happened. I logged into my Facebook account one day to find my profile picture had been replaced by a nude one. I didn't even know when the photo had been taken. It looked like I was asleep. There were lots of comments posted by my friends.
"I was so embarrassed and so scared. Then I saw a post from Dave. It just said 'slut'. I knew then it was him. He must have been able to access my Facebook account. I just logged out and didn't know what to do."
Niamh's friend Sarah encouraged her to get in touch with Women's Aid, which said it had heard of this happening and told Niamh how to block someone on Facebook. For Dave to change Niamh's profile picture, however, he would have had to have her passwords, so she changed them.
"I'm still really hurt and embarrassed about what happened, but at least most of my friends understand, and I don't have to worry about him getting into my e-mails or Facebook again."
THE IMMEDIACY AND intimacy of new media give greater impact to controlling behaviours, such as monitoring and pestering.
Aoife was 29 when she met Dan through an online dating site. Things went well for three months, but while Dan, who was educated and pleasant, seemed to be getting more serious, Aoife decided the spark wasn't really there. That was where the story ended for Aoife, or so she thought. After three months she received an e-mail from Dan. "I opened my laptop and thought, Jesus! He was really angry."
Thus followed nearly two years of clusters of angry and then conciliatory e-mails with three-month breaks. "Just when I thought he'd finally gone away he contacted me again. This time he was going through a personal crisis. The e-mails were furious. He told me about the jobs I had changed since we had broken up, letting me know he was following me. Then he started listing people I had been connected with who had died."
Aoife went to stay with a friend and called the Garda, using the e-mails as evidence. "The garda was great. He called Dan, and Dan got really angry with him. The garda asked me to make a formal statement, because he wanted to prosecute him." At this point Dan presented himself to a separate Garda station with some of his less intimidating e-mails and told the garda on duty he wouldn't contact Aoife anymore.
When Aoife set up her Facebook account she "just presumed only friends could see my page. I knew there were privacy settings, but, to be honest, I hadn't really bothered with them. I just jumped on to Facebook because everyone else was on there, and it seemed a handy way to stay in touch".
WORLDWIDE, MORE THAN 500 billion minutes are spent per month on Facebook, according to the company's own statistics, but very little of this time is spent checking and amending privacy settings.
This month a Consumer Reports State of the Net survey in the US found one in four households with a Facebook account has users who are not aware of or choose not to use the privacy controls.
Some 75 per cent of Facebook users in Ireland are logging in at least once a day, but how many of us have locked down our privacy settings?
There are some basic settings that everyone should check. Amending all settings to Friends Only keeps your information off search engines. Tackling the settings might seem intimidating at first. Some may consider closing their Facebook accounts, but that cuts off an important avenue for friends and support.
In the context of domestic abuse, a stalker is generally male, the pattern is one of emotional abuse and the threats of violence have often been fulfilled.
This is according to information gathered by Women's Aid, which recently launched its new website along with its 2009 figures. These showed a 16 per cent increase in calls to its helpline, with cyberstalking by phone, text and social media becoming more prevalent.
With some domestic abuse, women have been forced to give over their e-mail and Facebook account passwords, according to Margaret Martin, director of Women's Aid. "In these situations, safety is the bottom line," she says.
Once away from an abuser, though, it is possible to maintain a profile on social media without giving access to bullies. An hour or two spent learning and changing privacy settings and changing passwords can pay off. It is still best to make arrangements through private messages, however.
Some behaviour that might seem just a bit pathetic to onlookers can invade your privacy without your even realising it.
Sinead didn't know how to deal with it when a colleague discovered she was a friend of his ex, who had blocked him. They worked in a tight-knit group, and he kept asking her to open her Facebook page so he could check on his ex's status and wall posts.
"I would say no to him, but then he would sulk and made the office really awkward, so some of the time I just rolled my eyes and let him have a look."
The average number of friends for an Irish Facebook user is 119, according to research by Mulley Communications. In the case of a difficult break-up or being stalked, it's worth revisiting your list of friends.
With social media, as with life, much of it is about knowing who your friends are. It is a great way of staying in touch and accessing support networks, but paying attention to privacy settings can keep the Daves and the Dans from the door.
Blocking unwanted numbers
O2 Text "Block It Start" to 50216 to get started.
Vodafone You can't block specific numbers on Vodafone by calling them. However If you contact the Garda, it will contact Vodafone, which will block the number.
Meteor Call Meteor on 1747 and give the number you want blocked. The company will then block it.
Womens' Aid 1800 341900, womensaid.ie
Some names have been changed
