DÁIL SKETCH:When the time comes for morale-boosting sing-songs, he'll be leading from the front
DAY TWO of The Recession and most of the brave souls in Leinster House are bearing up well.
In an effort to keep spirits high, turkey and ham was on the menu in the restaurant and everyone pretended it was Christmas. We may have nothing nice to put in our national stocking, but at least we can be happy while Brian Lenihan tries to darn the hole in the toe. (Darning. There's a past-time that looks set to enjoy a comeback, now that we are poor.)
Already though, there are signs that some are bearing up rather better than others. Sometimes it's the ones you least expect to fall apart under pressure who end up unable to cope. Labour's Eamon Gilmore is a case in point. Rock of sense. An air of authority about him when he speaks in the House. He has been consistently outperforming Enda Kenny on the floor of the Dáil. But only 48 hours into The Recession, and it's all become too much for poor Eamon. Brian Cowen didn't quite know what to do with him during Leaders' Questions yesterday.
Essentially, deputy Gilmore wants the banks to be nicer to their customers. He pleaded with the Taoiseach to call in our well-shod, cigar-chomping, armagnac-swilling, fine-dining, art-collecting, profit-orientated, filthy-rich banking bosses and "persuade them to act in a more measured, reasonable and sensitive way with Irish business at this very difficult time". Maybe they could send flowers and a card too.
Eamon Gilmore is leader of the Labour Party. They want big bankers recycled and made into pork pies for the working man. So of all people, he should know that bankers do not have a better nature. Only a bottom line.
As the Celtic hamster sinks deeper into hibernation, Eamon feels the banks should adopt a more caring attitude. He pointed out that when the economy was flying, the financial institutions were making huge profits and flinging money at customers. Now, when the country is experiencing a little downturn, they are pulling down the shutters and "squeezing the life out of many businesses". In his view, "the banks and their lending and credit policies could be made to become part of the solution to our economic difficulties rather than adding to the problem, as, frankly, they are doing at present". What about it, Brian? Will you have a word? Biffo gave his jowls a contemplative scratch. He looked a little taken aback by Eamon's unusual pitch.
Slowly, Bertie's successor in The Mumbly Chair rose to his feet and began to mumble.
"Central bank mechanisms…market turbulence … shareholders …providing prudent risk…interbank lending…subprime…ripple effect…international environment…access point for capital…Irish businezzzzz…"
This wasn't good enough for Eamon. "I must put it again. Will he invite the banks to have a discussion with him, as head of Government, so that he can talk with them and encourage them to take a wider, longer-term view of the Irish economy and encourage them to assist in whatever strategy he has - although he hasn't yet told us what it is - to move the economy forward?"
Bless his innocence. Imagine asking the banks to be nice to people. But Eamon thinks it's worth a go. Call in the fat cats. Obviously Deputy Gilmore feels if Cowen can, as he recently put it, bring in "those f*****s" in the National Consumer Agency, surely he can do the same to those bankers in the financial institutions? Brian looked flummoxed and began pawing his jowls again. He said he talked a lot to the banks when he ran the Department of Finance and assured Eamon the current Minister is probably doing the same. Perhaps unnerved by his Labour colleague's worrying response to the economic crisis, he added: "In fact, last night I was discussing with advisers the issue of how we can ensure that we do not have a reaction to the downturn as if we were not capable of getting through it robustly."
As he said the previous day - the turn around will eventually turn up, and when that corner is turned, Ireland will turn out and embrace the upturn.
Here's another bit: "Now we will, of course, continue to encourage and ask that the application of finance to prudent risk and the availability of risk capital continues to be available to business. That's important." More important is that Eamon be given treatment for his delusional state.
Remember, in Biffo we have the ideal man to take us through The Recession. When the time comes for morale-boosting sing-songs, he'll be leading from the front. Bertie didn't have a note in his head. (But he had lots in the safe.)
