It's the FA Cup final this weekend. The English Premiership season has ended. The mess at Fifa rumbles on. Irish goal queen Stephanie Roche has had her contract with US soccer team Houston Dash ended after three months. It really is a funny old time for the beautiful game.
Given that Steph has time on her hands, we decided to give her the notional job of managing our fantasy football team. Selection was limited to woman members of Dáil Éireann and Seanad Éireann. Roche was not a selector, she just has to manage the team now she has it in her capable hands.
There are 25 women out of 166 members of the 31st Dáil, so the soccer talent pool for women is limited. (Although, arguably, it’s not exactly brimming with male talent either.) Some 19 of the 60 members of Seanad Éireann are women. Our Cup truly runneth over.
The first XI
Striker - Clare Daly:
You need a striker to make daring forays into opposition territory. Daly does this with knobs on. Even when she’s playing away in Shannon. Only this week, she was tackling Taoiseach Enda Kenny over his sale of the State’s 25 per cent share in Aer Lingus. She shoots, she scores, she climbs fences….
Striker - Catherine Murphy:
Another independent-minded forager. She can use her head, which is always an asset up front. She may find the ball, but she is still looking for a full independent inquiry into a number of matters, including the 2012 sale of Siteserv to a company controlled by Denis O’Brien. Her team-mates should get the ball up to her more often.
Attacking midfielder - Mary Lou McDonald:
Well, would you get in her way? The playmaker for Sinn Féin can also easily switch to defence when it comes to her leader Gerry Adams. But it is for her playmaking ability she gets the spot.
Defensive midfield - Ciara Conway:
You need a young pair of legs for this position. And Conway should get a chance to work on her defence as the next general election looms. Conway played it straight when she defied expectations by not voting for Clare Daly’s Bill to allow for abortion in cases of fatal foetal abnormality in February, thus proving herself to be a team player. She will Labour for the full 90.
Left wing - Ruth Coppinger:
Socialist Party TD Coppinger didn’t get the Dáil to support her Bill to Repeal the Eighth Amendment to the Constitution this month. But she put in a hard tackle when she said that she has no confidence in Seán Barrett as Ceann Comhairle and accused him of having “an element of misogyny in his dealings.” She got the man and the ball.
Right wing - Fidelma Healy Eames:
This is her natural position. Need we say more? The Independent senator said it was “political correctness gone mad” that she was the only female member of the Oireachtas campaigning for a No vote in the Marriage Equality referendum. Whatever the final score, she will be able to deal with being on the losing side.
Left back - Averil Power:
You could laugh at her position on the team, but you’d probably deny it. It is only your word against hers, after all. When she quit Fianna Fáil, Power said that not only had the party failed to step up to the plate for the same-sex marriage referendum, the strategy she was asked to develop on improving female participation in the party “has largely been ignored”. She said that Fianna Fáil lacks “vision, courage and leadership”. Timmy Dooley disagrees. Being one of the gang of 141 men in the Dáil, he is not eligible for selection here. But he would probably make it on merit, of course.
Centre back - Joan Burton:
The Tánaiste and Labour Party leader has just won a battle, but will she win the war? We’re handing her a lot of work to do at the back, but sitting next to Taoiseach Enda Kenny has forced her to be a team player. She is used to the c-word. We mean compromise - or centre-back. Of course.
Centre back - Kathleen Lynch:
Never afraid to get stuck in, the Minister of State at the Department of Health said repealing the Eighth Amendment is very “do-able” following the passing of the same-sex marriage referendum. Defensive duties will be her raison d’etre from now until the election. Think John Arne Riise.
Right back - Mary Mitchell O’Connor:
The Dún Laoghaire Fine Gael TD is going to wear the strip we’ve picked with aplomb. Know for her distinctly colourful dress sense, the VIP style award winner is one player who will be able to carry off those bright orange soccer boots. Watch and learn, Denis Irwin.
Goalkeeper - Frances Fitzgerald:
With the longest, most celebrated career of all, Ireland’s Minister for Justice just had to be the last line of defence. A fan of Averil Power’s, Fitzgerald praised the former Fianna Fáiler’s “constructive” approach to politics.
Fitzgerald is ready for anything you can fire at her. Safe pair of hands.
Player/Manager - Stephanie Roche:
The striker for the Republic of Ireland’s women’s team, Roche’s October 2013 goal for Peamount United was the runner-up for the 2014 Fifa Puskas award for the best goal of the year. Has plenty of time and experience to manage these obstreperous lassies.
Kitman - Mick Wallace. You can have any colour you like, ladies, as long as it's pink.
