"And it came to pass that the search for the promised land was over . . ." A contest of Biblical proportions reached its climax on an Atlantic strand yesterday evening when Inis Mór became the official "Craggy Island" for the next 12 months.
In the end, it was all resolved in a short half hour, when Inis Mór beat Inis Oírr 2-0 in the inaugural "Friends of Father Ted" Craggy Cup. The five-a-side football match had been convened to resolve differences over location for the comedy festival, after Inis Oírr - home to the Plassey shipwreck in the title sequence of the Channel 4 comedy series - had argued that it had greater claim.
"Ah, go on, go on, go on!" spectators roared in their best tea-making Mrs Doyle tones, as the teams "trained" by former Ireland players John Aldridge and Tony Cascarino, took to the sandy pitch. Odds, set by festival sponsors Paddy Power bookmakers, were tight.
"Drink . . . girls . . . feck . . . Collina!" exclaimed one visiting "bishop" on the sidelines, as a familiar bald referee blew the first whistle. The sponsors had coaxed a clone of famous former referee Pierluigi Collina to adjudicate. One could imagine absent friends Fr Ted Crilly (aka the late Dermot Morgan) and Fr Dougal McGuire (Ardal O'Hanlon) taking a break from a game of Buckaroo to cheer.
The match was the highlight of a packed festival programme, drawn up by Welshman and Porthcawl Elvis Festival organiser Peter Phillips and Galwayman Fergal McGrath and held close to the ninth anniversary of Morgan's passing. Among 130 ticket holders, and a larger "congregation", were Morgan's former partner Fiona Duggan and son Ben, while island parish priest Fr Ciarán Blake gave it his blessing.
Parochial hall for the weekend was a new hotel, Óstán Arann, and the islanders, some initially sceptical, were delighted at the good-humoured atmosphere. "People left their worries behind in Ireland and came out to a fantasy," said PJ Ó Flaithearta, musician and owner of Óstán Arann. Most of his 22 rooms were booked out by Irish and international media crews, some even dressed as clerics.
On Saturday, episodes of Fr Ted as Gaeilge and as Béarla were staged by island students and members of the Aran Buskers in Scoil Éinne vocational school. Michael Gill, school principal, said the students had been practising for weeks, on a script translated and adapted by teacher Mairéad Ní Fhathartaigh. Saturday night saw Sister Agnes from Sligo win the "Lovely Girls" contest, and fellow nuns from the same county, Sisters Bernadette, Bridie and Agnes, aka "Teds on Tour", were only disgusted.
Sunday Mass was followed by a wedding, when Luke Callanan of Limerick and Louise Kiernan of Swords, Co Dublin, were married by Celtic priest and Inis Mór resident Dara Molloy. One of the vows involves a return to the festival every year.
Mrs Doyle - Kilronan guesthouse owner Eithne Gillooly - was so overcome she forgot the Ferrero Rocher tray, but was on hand to sustain Aldridge and Cascarino with cups of tea.
Six gardaí were assigned to the island for the three-day event, but it was almost "incident free", with barely a glimpse of an intoxicated Fr Jack. The one alert occurred on Friday evening when the Father Ted milk float - transported out from Ardmore Studios - broke down. It had to be taken in tow - but then it collided into the back of the new Garda squad car.