Drummers are usually the poster boys of rock'n'roll excess, not athletic excellence, but a new study suggests that they are as fit as the average footballer - proving that banging the sticks is a sport in itself, writes Kevin Courtney.
HEARD THE ONE about the drummer who scored the winning goal in the FA Cup final? Don't laugh, because the idea may not be as far-fetched as you think.
We've heard every drummer joke in the book, but this one is deadly serious: rock drummers are as fit as Premier League footballers. Drummers' intelligence is often called into question, but now we have irrefutable scientific proof that - physically at least - drummers are easily a match for the world's top athletes.
It took two scientists eight years to discover what most rock fans probably know already - behind every hard-working band is a very hard-working drummer. It may be acceptable for the singer to stand around looking louche and languid, or for the bassist to do a passable impression of a store mannequin, but drummers can't let up for a second, otherwise the whole gig falls apart.
We don't need scientists to tell us that - the evidence is already there for all to see, if only the fat singer would step out of the way. Bono still hasn't found the six-pack stomach he was looking for, but all he has to do is look behind the drumkit - Larry Mullen Jr is U2's resident Adonis, his muscles honed by years of keeping the band from going completely over the edge of self-parody.
Drummers are always the toughest guys in the band, handy to have around when there's aggro at the gig. Nobody messes with Nicko McBrain, the cro-magnon sticksman with Iron Maiden, and not even Geordie hard-man Sting would pick a fight with Police drummer Stewart Copeland. And guess who's the fittest puppeteer on The Muppet Show? Easy - it has to be they guy who controls Animal, the manic, hairy drummer with Dr Teeth the Electric Mayhem.
The scientists who conducted the study - Marcus Smith from the University of Chichester and Steve Draper from the University of Gloucestershire - monitored a drummer in a veteran punk-pop band over an eight-year period, measuring his heart rate, oxygen intake and lactate levels during rehearsals and live shows. Though the drummer in question is no spring chicken - he's 52 - his heart rate comfortably averaged 140 to 150 beats per minute, and often rose to 190 without any discernible signs of distress. The nearest equivalent would be Cristiano Ronaldo playing a Champions League match.
AND WHO IS this superhuman sticksman? It's Clem Burke, the besuited drummer with Blondie, who played a concert in Dublin's Vicar Street last night. Smith chose Burke for the most unscientific reason - he's a lifelong fan of the band, and when he heard they were reforming 10 years ago, he wrote to Burke asking him to take part in the ongoing study. Smith then followed Blondie around on tour, wiring the drummer up to his scientific instruments.
Back in the punk era, Burke was probably the most envied drummer in the world - every night he had a perfect view of Debbie Harry's derriere - but no one would have pegged him as the athletic type. In those days, playing drums in a band was considered a serious health hazard - wild rockers such as The Who's Keith Moon and Led Zeppelin's John Bonham lived up to all the cliches of rock'n'roll excess - but alas, not for very long.
Moony and Bonzo both died as a direct result of their hedonistic lifestyle, and drummers were forever tarred with the mark of the doomed rock beast. Rick Allen, drummer with Def Leppard, lost an arm in a car accident, but still soldiered on - you wouldn't see a guitarist carrying on with one arm, now, would you?
Karen Carpenter, drummer and vocalist with popular MOR combo The Carpenters, succumbed to anorexia. Jimmy Chamberlin of Smashing Pumpkins and Taylor Hawkins of Foo Fighters narrowly escaped death after drug overdoses. And fictional metal band Spinal Tap lost one drummer in a "bizarre gardening accident", while another "choked on vomit" (although whose vomit it was is still a mystery) and numerous others spontaneously combusted onstage.
But if drummers are now the Ronaldos of the pop world, what about the other band members? The next-fittest musician would probably be the singer - all that moving around and gesticulating onstage - not to mention healing the sick and saving the world - can only be good for your fitness levels.
Mick Jagger is easily the fittest member of The Rolling Stones - while Charlie Watts is content to tap out jazz-inflected beats with minimal exertion, ol' rubberlips uses the vast stage as his personal gym, running an average of 12 miles in the course of a single gig.
The most sedentary member of any rock band is probably the bassist - John Entwistle of The Who was most adept at standing stock-still through an entire gig, in complete contrast to manic Moony, although he died in 2002 after taking a small quantity of cocaine.
So, will Premier League managers start going to gigs in search of their next star striker? Let's hope not - football has quite enough self-indulgent rock-star behaviour already.
