MEDIA WATCH: Automatons are taking over the election, writes Deaglán De Bréadún
This is a B-movie election. It reminds me of the old second-feature classic, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, where the inhabitants of an American town lost their soul and their personality and turned into mouthing automatons.
Only a few people remain immune in the film and they are the best hope of society and the future of democracy. Michael Noonan, I always thought, would retain his soul and personality, but after watching him on TV3's Agenda programme yesterday I'm beginning to have concerns.
A former schoolteacher, Noonan always seemed to wear the dark suit that was the unfashionable but reassuring hallmark of that worthy profession.
On TV3 he was wearing a flash, Armani-type number such as you normally associate with Ruairi Quinn. The tie, too, was a trendy, lime-coloured affair, redolent of Hugo Boss or Calvin Klein.
It made him look younger, though not quite a contemporary of the eager young presenter, David McWilliams, who looked almost dowdy by comparison. Young is a good thing, right? Maybe, but people often vote for the old geezers these days.
For good or ill, it is septuagenarians like Le Pen, Sharon and Arafat who seem to be getting support.
Michael's jacket I could live with and I consoled myself that his answers to questions would reveal the Old Noonan, precise and deadly as a cobra that had experience of local Limerick politics. But no, they had got to him there too!
The content was fine, but Noonan's replies were accompanied by a winsome little smile which said, "Like me. Vote for me. Save me from defeat and the terrible retribution of my party." As with Invasion of the Body Snatchers, one sensed a conspiracy.
I had a vision of the Fine Gael leader in the basement of a fictional media training school surrounded by spin-doctors in Tommy Hilfiger jackboots.
Shining a bare lightbulb in his face, they rant: "Ve have vays of making you smile ven you answer ze questions." Choking back the tears, Noonan strives to be bland and uncontroversial but it's not enough for the Spinmeisters who snarl brutally: "Zat is far too interesting, try again!"
I miss the darksuited, pre-makeover Noonan who would gut you verbally if you put a foot wrong in an argument. Designer Noonan leaves me cold.
Maybe the old Michael will re-emerge "for one night only" when the Taoiseach takes his courage in his hands and at long last we have this famous debate.
Limerick men are everywhere in this campaign. You can't get away from Fianna Fáil's Willie O'Dea. He was all over the Saturdayview programme on RTÉ Radio and featured prominently in two Sunday papers: one of them is even carrying his Election Diary.
Presenter Rodney Rice gently teased him about his enormous first-preference vote, hinting that maybe Willie should be more sharing and caring with party colleagues.
O'Dea didn't accept that at all, but when replying strangely neglected to name his Fianna Fáil running-mates in Limerick East, Peter Power and Eddie Wade.
Yes, the body-snatchers have got to this election. Michael Parker, former PD general secretary, uttered a cry from the heart on RTÉ Radio's Media Vox when he lamented the lack of excitement and pleaded for "a few banana-skins" to liven things up.
Be of good cheer, Michael, there may be a shortage of banana-skins but there are enough monkeys - and monkey-business.