The Last Straw: I see that the standard of letters to this paper has come under attack in - of all places - the letters page, writes Frank McNally. Valerie Harvey (IT, Thursday) laments the recent domination of "asinine" subjects including: "the reluctance of public figures to use the word 'yes' instead of 'absolutely'; how people pronounce the letter 'r'; and the fact that two half-pints of Guinness cost more than one whole pint".
She asks: "Do readers of your newspaper have nothing better to do?" This would be harsh criticism at any time, but in August, it's downright unreasonable. Speaking as a columnist, I would like to express solidarity with our hard-pressed correspondents, most of whom (in the examples cited) at least had the virtue of brevity. I know just how difficult it is to find anything substantial to complain about at this time of year, when few issues can be stretched further than the length of a two-paragraph bottom-of-the-page letter to the editor. Here, for example, are my thoughts for the week.
Madam, - Watching the reports of Shelbourne's victory over Hajduk Split on Wednesday, I heard RTÉ's Colm Murray describe the challenge that faced the home side beforehand as a "mountain". He then added: "Not only did they scale the mountain, but they did so with plenty to spare." My question is: how can you scale a mountain with "plenty to spare"? Maybe if you were catapulted up the mountain, and overshot the summit? But then you could hardly be said to have scaled anything. And even if you could, you would require the urgent attention of the mountain rescue service, assuming there was anything left of you to rescue. - Yours, etc., (P.S. If Shelbourne managed to completely outplay their Croatian opponents, was that a Split infinitive?)
Madam, - Attending the Dublin Horse Show this week, I was intrigued to see signposts everywhere with the message: "Horse's Crossing". Taking this to be grammatically correct, I concluded that the signs must be advertising the exhibition of a prize mule - an animal which could reasonably be described as the result of a "horse's crossing" (with a donkey). But I could find no mules anywhere in the grounds. Is it possible that this was just another example of the redundant apostrophe? And if so, could the RDS be accused of making a horse's ass of the English language? - Yours etc.,
Madam, - Surely that last letter is a prime example of the asinine subject matter to which this space has been reduced. - Yours etc. Madam, - We can hardly lament declining standards of English among school-leavers while politicians, church leaders and Seamus Heaney continue to insist that there are moments when "hope and history rhyme". The phrase "hope and history" is, at best, a moderately good example of the poetic technique known as alliteration. To claim anything more for it is misleading. - Yours etc.,
Madam, - Whenever I hear people say they want to protest about something "in the strongest possible terms", I always think: "Great, I'd love to hear you try." But they never follow through on the promise. They just say: "I want to protest in the strongest possible terms," and leave it at that, as if they'd already achieved their grand objective. Of course, we'd all like to express ourselves in the strongest possible terms. But we're not Shakespeare, so we usually have to settle for whatever pathetically inadequate terms spring to mind in the time available. The point is: why raise your audience's hopes unnecessarily? - Yours etc.,
Madam, Now that fruit growers have perfected the technique of growing seedless grapes, maybe they could take on the challenge of producing apples without stickers. In my local supermarket, apples have up to three stickers each: identifying variety, country of origin, special offer status, etc. I've heard that people on the continent eat the stickers too, and no doubt they are an excellent source of roughage. But I find I always have to spit them out. - Yours etc.,
Madam, We hear a lot about the GAA's rule 42 and its absurdity in modern Ireland. So imagine my surprise when reading that masterpiece of the absurd, Alice in Wonderland, recently, to find that a rule 42 features in the plot. It arises during the trial of the Knave of Hearts when, objecting to one of Alice's periodic growing fits, the king announces: "Rule forty-two. All persons more than a mile high to leave the court." Alice counters that she is not a mile high, whereupon the incident peters out. And I know there's not much more to be said about this mildly amusing coincidence. But I'd like to take this opportunity to comment on it in the wittiest possible terms." - Yours, etc.,