LIKE ALL good thrillers it started off in deceptively simple fashion. The Taoiseach arrived in Croke Park to open a career opportunities seminar at GAA headquarters.
But lurking there among the exhibitors on the 160 stands - and hundreds of second-level students scattered over three floors of the exhibition - was the media mob, brandishing an array of high-tech hardware including microphones, cameras and peann luaidhe . . . ready to ambush him at the first available opportunity.
The press and TV crews waited patiently as he delivered his speech about careers. When he started counselling that "change is our future", for some crazy reason the image of Brian Cowen sprung to our minds.
"It is very easy to get caught up in the day-to-day battle for survival, but if we neglect training, upskilling and learning, we will lose the war," said Mr Ahern, throwing out another hostage to fortune.
But several minutes later, he gave an expert demonstration in that self-same training, upskilling and learning by taking the journalistic herd by surprise by giving them the slip, and another exciting day-to-day battle commenced (a cat and mouse game, to be strictly accurate).
There is a bit of a back story to this. Some of the reporters thought that they had a half- promise of a doorstep interview, possibly about current events at the Mahon tribunal, etc - but clearly they had been reading the wrong script.
Back to the action: Bertie set off down the corridor at a dizzying speed, quickly getting lost in the crowd. His pursuers arrived at lifts just in time to get a glimpse of a beaming Bertie as the doors slid shut, and then arrived panting at the top of stairs to learn that Bertie and his entourage had moved on a millisecond before.
And along the way, like the Ghosts of Christmas Past from A Christmas Carol, some of the stalls that he whooshed past gave unwelcome reminders and suggestions of Bertie's past. He raced (unfairly we thought) past the "plastering" stand, given the generosity he had enjoyed from that profession. He also gave a wide berth to the stand promoting careers in the print media.
For a couple of moments, it looked like Bertie was going to get trapped. He found himself unable to avoid what could very well have been his nemesis - the stand for the Revenue Commissioners.
Just as he looked like he would have safe passage past, a stranger appeared from nowhere to thrust a form into his hand. "Here's a form for you, Bertie, to file your tax returns online." And then the deadly little rider: "That's if you have all the details." Somehow, he survived.
The chase scene brought us down to the basement car park of the Hogan Stand, up to the third, fourth and fifth floors, and a whizz around all 160 stands. Just about the only place in Croke Park that we didn't go was out on the pitch.
The hero of the Bertie Ultimatum remained elusive all the while, just keeping out of the crosshairs of loaded questions about Celia Larkin and £30,000 and the B/T account.
It must be noted that Jason Bourne calls it a day in the Bourne Ultimatum. What about the Bertie Ultimatum? In defiance of all the odds, the sequels will keep on going forever. Well, at least until the franchise runs out in 2012.
