How Bertie celebrated the end of partition; Gone missing: the case of Micheál Martin's mobile phone; Why Enda went for the soft approach and how Fine Gael decided on its favourite song.
That funny old hand of history. Once it gets going, it doesn't want to stop. Bertie Ahern clinches the historic handshake with Dr Ian Paisley at lunchtime, and by dinner, the partition is gone.
Would Big Ian have set one foot across the Border - never mind the threshold of Farmleigh - had he known Bertie was planning to celebrate tearing down the partition five hours later?
The contrast between Bertie's two engagements on Wednesday was striking. Destiny and posterity in the morning. In the evening, the "official opening" of an English tabloid's reconfigured office space.
We understand News of the World executives on the "mainland" were astonished when told the "Irish Prime Minister" had agreed to open their Irish office. It wasn't like the hacks were moving into new premises or anything.
For operational reasons, the Irish Sun's small office has relocated to a different part of the News International building. Their News of the World neighbours spread out into the vacated space, thanks to the removal of a partition. A few more desks were added and a new telly put in. That's it.
Oh, and the Taoiseach was alerted.
Last Wednesday, led by editor-in-chief Colin Myler, a group of delighted executives arrived from London in best bib and tucker for the big event. Bertie Ahern was duly on hand, full of the joys. He has already attended a number of News of the World Christmas parties - the tabloid is one of his most ardent supporters.
Bottles of bubbly were cracked open, but the Taoiseach stuck to water. He said a few words to mark the momentous removal of the partition wall. Then he mingled with the ecstatic executives, talking about Manchester United like an ordinary bloke. The London suits were hugely impressed, and bore their trophy "Prime Minister of Éire" off to Patrick Guildbaud's for an expensive slap-up feed.
The newspaper boasts a Sunday circulation of over 500,000 in the Republic. With the election imminent, Bertie had no trouble singing for his supper on Wednesday.
Back in Farmleigh, Ian Paisley revealed a knowledge of Dublin that is somewhat dated. He asked Bertie about the new port tunnel, before inquiring: "Are there still lots of bicycles in Dublin?"
Bertie replied with a convoluted story about how he used to see loads of bicycles around by the Five Lamps. Ian Paisley jnr, meanwhile, was having a polite conversation with Dermot Ahern about cattle breeds.
The group met in the ground floor library, which has a secret passageway built into the wall. But it didn't have to be used. Of the seven people in the room, two of them were Aherns, two were Paisleys and two were Johnstons - Government press secretary Mandy Johnston and DUP press officer Tim Johnston.
Who was the odd man out in this unusual trio of doubles? A senior civil servant by the name of, wait for it, Michael Collins.
Crime is a big election issue. John Gormley had his bicycle stolen when canvassing in Dublin's Portobello on Wednesday. On Thursday, Minister for Trade and Enterprise Micheál Martin went to Co Longford and his mobile phone vanished.
He had it in his pocket when he arrived for a function in Granard's Greville Arms Hotel. He met the local ICA ladies outside and bought a pot of jam. Then he met the board of the community enterprise centre. All the aforementioned being people of unimpeachable honesty.
As he was heading back to his car, he shook hands with a number of people. On the way to Longford town, Micheál discovered his phone was gone. Whatever might have happened to it, there was no danger of confidential material falling into the wrong hands. The Sim card was immediately blocked by Vodaphone, while Ministers never store important numbers in their phones. They are each issued with a little black book in which they can write down classified information such as Bertie's private number. The book remains in Micheál's possession.
STOP PRESS! Wonderful news. Late yesterday afternoon, Michael's mobile was "found" and said to be residing temporarily at Granard Garda station. We understand a local Fianna Fáil councillor "got on the case", leading to the fortuitous finding of the Minister's mobile.
This will come as a relief to Longford TD Peter Kelly, who would have been most embarrassed if Micheál had visited his home turf only to have his phone nicked.
The backroom boys and girls in Fine Gael are pleased with their leader's performance at last Saturday's ardfheis. A lot of planning went into Enda Kenny's speech.
The decision to go for a more personal approach was decided well in advance.
"We were going for a point of distinction, and the personal side was what Enda wanted to highlight. When Bertie gave a very political speech the previous week, he teed up the ground perfectly," said a party insider.
Enda's longtime speechwriter, Corkwoman Miriam O'Callaghan, was given the job of pulling it all together. When she heard Mr Kenny talking about his grandfather, the lighthouse keeper, she decided to make it a big part of the address.
Her words certainly had an effect on some senior advisers, who were seen crying as Enda neared the end of his speech. For humane reasons, we won't name them.
The less emotional media noted that Grandad McGinley, who tended his light on the Atlantic edge of Europe, was eventually replaced by a computer. And it wasn't long before Fianna Fáil people started to mutter that Enda's ancestor spent much of his working life stationed at Howth's Bailey lighthouse, keeping an eye on the mailboat and posh yachts.
In the final analysis, it came down to a straight fight between Philo and Freddie. The music chosen to top and tail party leaders' speeches at conference time is now almost as eagerly awaited as the speech itself.
The Blueshirts chose Let's Get it Started by The Black Eyed Peas for Enda's high-fivin' entrance. But they couldn't make up their minds on what to play after the big finish. Would it be Do Anything You Want To by Phil Lynott's Thin Lizzy, or Don't Stop Me Now by Freddie Mercury's Queen.
As the afternoon progressed, staff decided Queen's song was the most uplifting. Before signing off on their decision, someone decided to read through the lyrics again. Their choice would be blaring through the speakers as Enda stood on the platform with his wife Fionnuala. Alarm bells went off.
"I'm a sex machine ready to reload/like an atom bomb about to/Oh, oh, oh, oh explode."
They went with Thin Lizzy.
Enda and Fionnuala enjoyed their moment in the spotlight, with the parliamentary party under strict instructions not to rush the stage. Staff moved into position to prevent incursions. Extra bodies were deployed in the area of the two Pauls - Deputy Connaughton and Senator Coghlan, who could stage-storm for Ireland at the Olympics. But they maintained their discipline on the night.
Fit young pretender, Senator Joe McHugh, attempted a break but was stopped in his tracks by a headquarters official who hissed menacingly, "Another move and I'll take you down at the knees."
It's largely forgotten now, but the Taoiseach has his own anthem. It was commissioned by the party 12 years ago after he became leader.Written by Pete St John, who numbers The Fields of Athenry among his many compositions, The Man they Call Ahern was premiered at a major rally in Dublin's National Stadium on March 7th, 1995. Curiously, the song seems to have been wiped from Fianna Fáil memory. This might have something to do with the chorus of derision that followed its maiden rendition.
It appeared to be an attempt to rekindle the fervour that Rise and Follow Charlie stirred up in the grassroots. In what was an unintentionally hilarious evening, Michael Woods shamelessly led the singing and "Taoiseach in Waiting" Ahern looked suitably mortified. The song was quickly sidelined. How about reviving it for the general election campaign? Maybe Westlife could do a cover? Bertie's son-in-law could arrange that.
The nation calls him Bertie
And he's Dublin's favourite son
A leader for all seasons
Battles lost and battles won
(Chorus) It's Bertie Boy - we're with you!
It's Bertie Boy - go bragh!
For our nation and its People
Sure it's Bertie boys, hurrah.
With the spirit of a chieftain
And the will to show the way
We say
Ahern! you're the only man for the Ireland of today.
Rainbows never last too long
That's the lesson they will learn,
When the storm clouds start to gather,
They'll be calling for Ahern.
(All together now:) It's Bertie Boy - we're with you . . .
Dear God. The memories. Make them stop.