Why Charlie McCreevy felt he could cut and run from Brussels to the races . . . And why he'll be having his cake and eating it . . . Bertie the culinary connoisseur . . . Household tips on how to deal with stained shirts . . . And the battle of the fuel-efficient State cars . . .
Ideology was a non-runner at Cheltenham this week when Charlie McCreevy abandoned his principles in favour of a trip to the races.
It's a question of priorities.
McCreevy had figured in the early declarations for Tuesday's College of Commissioners handicap in Brussels, where the controversial subject of EU tax harmonisation was up for discussion. On past form, forecasters predicted Charlie was the one to watch if the race to converge diesel taxes went to a photo.
Charlie is not a fan of tax harmonisation, particularly at the upper end of the spectrum. In his book, low taxes are infinitely preferable to high. He is supported in his argument by colleagues from eastern Europe: the proposal will drive up diesel costs at home, and they fear an electoral backlash.
However Charlie was missing for Tuesday's crucial meeting. He had heard the clarion call of the Cotswolds and galloped off to Cheltenham.
But not before leaving a letter addressed to all commissioners outlining his opposition to the proposal.
With the Polish representative away on holiday, only three commissioners were left to argue against the change. The proposal went through, meaning higher tax for the east Europeans. Irish diesel tax is not affected, as it's already high enough.
This might explain why Charlie felt he could cut and run to the races.
Here's what a spokesman for EU president José Barroso had to say: "It is correct that Mr McCreevy was unable to attend today's commission meeting. The president assumes that a member of the commission who misses a meeting has a compelling professional or personal reason to do so. I obviously have no information about Mr McCreevy's schedule which is a question for the single market spokesman or his private office."
What can be more compelling than Cheltenham? You can take the commissioner out of Kildare, but you can't take Kildare . . .
Submitting his views by letter and then flying off to the races? Charlie might be accused of having his cake and eating it.
And he'll be having a lot more cake next Friday when the European Commission Office in Dublin kicks off its celebrations to mark the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Treaty of Rome.
Although Ireland only joined the EU in 1973, we have many reasons to be grateful to once-bountiful Europe.
Charlie McCreevy will set the ball rolling by cutting a giant birthday cake at 1pm in the commission office in Molesworth Street.
It's a fruit confection measuring a metre square, weighing 18 stone, covered in white icing and topped with 50 large gold candles.
Charlie was packed off to Europe in 2004 when Bertie decided his stingy approach to cutting the public spending cake should be tempered.
McCreevy wasn't too happy with the decision back then. If he still feels sore about it, he can burn down the commission office on Friday and blame the candles.
Then he can atone for his sins on Sunday at St Patrick's Cathedral, where he will formally present a European Union flag to the dean, which will be permanently flown over the cathedral.
The cake ceremony was to have been a double hander between McCreevy and fellow EU commissioner Peter Mandelson.
The former Northern secretary was due to join the EU birthday celebrations in Dublin before joining the panel on BBC radio 4's Any Questions, which will be broadcast live from the National Gallery at 8pm on Friday night.
However, Mandy now has another engagement and will not be joining guests such as Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary to discuss market forces and open skies.
External trade commissioner Mandelson is attending a meeting of the G33 countries in Jakarta. Chairman Jonathan Dimbleby won't be able to quiz him on recent controversial comments about his old friend Tony Blair "conceding and capitulating" to Sinn Féin during peace process negotiations.
And Mandy won't have to worry about a threatened protest by Irish farmers, worried about his stance on removing agriculture trading barriers.
A man of many talents is our Bertie. Long known as a dab hand at the hanging baskets, it emerged this week that the Taoiseach is also an authority in the kitchen.
He was part of a very distinguished tasting panel in 10 Downing Street last December, when the finalists in BBC television's Masterchef cookery competition were invited to cook a three-course meal for prime minister Tony Blair and his guest Bertie Ahern.
This wasn't Bertie's first outing as a food critic. In 2003, also at Number 10, celebrity chef Jamie Oliver and a team of trainees from his Fifteen restaurant cooked for the two prime ministers. This was also televised.
It's a hard aul station, being the boss.
There was a starter of langoustine cannelloni to get through, followed by venison Wellington and rounded off with layered figs and plums on pastry.
At first, Bertie seemed a little worried. "Give it our honest assessment?" he fretted. "We do that every day in politics, everybody tells the truth all the time."
Whereupon himself and Tony cracked up.
And so to the first of Ahern's Household Tips. Tony Blair declared that venison can be a very difficult dish to get right.
"It can be tough," he remarked to the Taoiseach.
"Sometimes it can be very tough," agreed Bertie, before leaning in towards his host with a Fanny Craddock leer and whispering: "There's a trick about not making venison tough. It should be marinated in a sauce until you've got it tender. It's a trick. You should try it."
Blair was speechless. So Bertie softened the blow. "I wouldn't be about to do the pastry. I can't do pastry."
Let's hear it for the Escoffier of Hill 16: Cordon ye boys in bleu, cordon ye boys in bleu, cordon ye boys, cordon ye boys in bleu . . .
Ahern Household Tip number 2.
Dear Bertie, Can you tell me how to deal with those embarrassing moments at public engagements when you are about to unveil facilities like the €31.45 million Cliffs of Moher experience, but have spilled your dinner down your clean white shirt?
"Dear reader, I find that in these tricky situations, the best solution is to get a loan of an old jumper from a local supporter and wear it under your suit jacket, making sure your overcoat is securely fastened to conceal the mishap.
"I have enclosed a photograph of myself in such a situation. I think you will see that I got away with it.
"Regards, Bertie."
There has always been great rivalry among Government ministers about what class of State car they have.
Time was when they compared the size of their engines. These days, it's all about the volume of their emissions.
Minister for Natural Resources Noel Dempsey decided last July that he didn't want the environmentally friendly hybrid Lexus on offer. It transpired that the car's emission levels were not to his satisfaction.
He now has his eye on a diesel Merc. While he waits for it to be delivered, Noel is slumming around town in a second-hand State car.
Some people, rather unkindly, said he didn't want the Lexus because his golf clubs didn't fit in the boot.
But Noel is standing firm on the emissions front.
If Fianna Fáil gets back after the election, he wants to have the smallest carbon footprint in government.
Chief whip Tom Kitt has gone a carbon footstep further. Never mind his State car, Tom is doing the rounds boasting "my other car is a hybrid Toyota Prius".
Well done, Tom. Deputy Kitt will be doing battle in Dublin South with the Greens' Eamon Ryan. But this in no way influenced his choice of family runaround.
Meanwhile, Fianna Fáil is hinting that the Taoiseach is planning a major announcement on Green issues at next weekend's ardfheis.
For the last couple of years, as the party sought to counter the electoral threat from Sinn Féin, Bertie Ahern went out of his way during keynote speeches to wrap himself in the green flag, reclaiming the republic and reviving military marches past the GPO.
This year, as some commentators talk of a slowdown in Sinn Féin's popularity, a battle has opened on another front.
Bertie will be hugging a different green flag this time out.