MIRIAM LORDreviews the week in politics
Dail debate goes to the dogs Mattie in trouble and Enda to cycle around the Kingdom
THIS COLUMN has gone to the dogs, so today, we are dedicating it to Taco Beauty, a dark brindle breeding bitch belonging to Clare TD Joe Carey.
While speaking on the controversial dog breeding Bill in the Dáil yesterday, Fine Gael’s new assistant chief whip told his delighted colleagues that he just found out that his breeding bitch is in pup.
“Aaaw!” cooed his fellow doggie- loving deputies, getting broody. “Congratulations!” “I just found out today she’s in pup to a sire called Headbound,” announced the proud owner. “You know, that’s what ’tis about. Five or six of us, we own that bitch and we’re proud of her.”
Joe and his friends from Clarecastle are part of the “Beauties Syndicate” and Taco Beauty (“we named her after the chips”) has been successful on the track and also produced a very promising dog called “Taco’s Back.”
There wasn’t a dry eye in the House from the greyhound boys. It was a beautiful moment.
Joe’s not got a Carey in the world
So this week is a cause for double celebration for the ambitious first time TD. Not only is Joe’s bitch now expecting, he was also named assistant chief whip in Enda Kenny’s post-heave reshuffle.
Carey’s name figured a lot in the speculation leading up to Thursday’s announcement. In the hours before the team was unveiled, Joe was down on most lists as a certainty to make the first string.
At midday in the Dáil chamber, that view was cemented when a number of his colleagues were seen shaking his hand and clapping him on the back.
It hadn’t gone unnoticed among some in the party that Carey had been to Terry Prone’s Communications Clinic for a spot of coaching in media skills.
And was that a new suit and haircut? Meanwhile, as the announcement neared, Simon Coveney – who supported Richard Bruton – waited and waited to hear whether he had made the front bench. Enda was due to name his team at 2.30pm, but the Cork South TD was still in the dark at 2.20pm. “It’s getting a bit late for me not to know, isn’t it?” he remarked to a reporter.
At the last gasp, Coveney and his Cork South colleague Deirdre Clune were both given the nod. (Good news for the non-merchant prince politician in that constituency. When the other two are busy working on policy in Dublin, Senator Jerry Buttimer will be knocking on doors from Ballinhassig to Crosshaven.)
Yesterday, as the party pondered Enda’s choices, a rumour took hold that Joe Carey was pushed down the pecking order at the last minute to make way for Simon Coveney. The big conspiracy theory is that Coveney had to be accommodated because he knows the real story behind the failed heave.
It sounds way too far-fetched to be true. Better to have him inside the tent than outside in a triumvirate with Michael Creed and the impressive Brian Hayes.
All this conjecture came as news to Joe Carey, who tells us he was never promised a front bench job, despite all the media speculation. As for his colleagues congratulating him in the chamber, “that was just a hop-ball job.” He confirmed he has been to the Communications Clinic on one or two occasions, but that’s just a routine thing.
“I’m absolutely delighted to be appointed assistant whip. It’s a position of responsibility, especially when the voting numbers are so tight. I’m flattered to have been included in the calculations,” he added. “I hope the experience will stand to me – quite a number of successful politicians, including Enda Kenny, started off in this job.”
Mad Dog’s bark worse than bite
Mattie “Mad Dog” McGrath would be delighted to hear Joe Carey is expecting the patter of tiny paws, although it was baffling during the week to hear Mattie utter a pious “God forgive me” or an apologetic “excuse the language” each time he referred to “a breeding bitch”.
We don’t know if Mattie keeps a greyhound, but he has a much- loved dog at home in Clonmel which goes by the name of Rasper. He’s “a red setter, only black, with a touch of collie”. Rasper, somewhat like his rebellious master, is “inclined to stray at times and can be a bit of a nuisance”.
But while he’s very friendly and docile, he has a major character flaw. “He goes around the neighbours houses and robs boots and pots and pans and things brings them back here. He’s a divil for that.” A class act.
Mattie’s in the doghouse again
It was Mattie’s week. He dominated the airwaves on the subject of “the, God forgive me, breeding bitches”. In fact, he was so exercised about the Government meddling in the affairs of rural people, he voted against the Wildlife Bill and was thrown out of the Fianna Fáil parliamentary party.
It was only a matter of time. He is said to be incensed over the new drink-driving measures introduced recently by Noel Dempsey.
McGrath’s actions led to him getting thrown out of Brian Cowen’s little luncheon on Wednesday for a select group of party members. The Taoiseach has been breaking bread on a regular basis with different groups of backbenchers in an effort to make them like him.
Some get invited to breakfast in Government Buildings. Some are summoned to lunch. The gatherings sound rather forced.
It was reported during the week that Seán Power TD, who has a track record when it comes to facing down party leaders, told Cowen at one recent breakfast meeting that he is not cutting the mustard as Taoiseach or as leader of Fianna Fáil and is not providing the country with proper leadership.
The straight-talking Power has confirmed this story to a number of colleagues.
Initially, the backbenchers were being invited in alphabetical order, but that plan went out the window. Kilkenny’s John McGuinness is still waiting to hear from the Taoiseach.
Will he accept? “I’ll wait to get the invitation first, and then I’ll ponder it, but I suspect I’ll be last on the list.” And then there’s Mattie. He got his invite to lunch on the morning of the day he burned his bridges with the party.
However, “not wanting to appear rude”, he decided to go and meet the Taoiseach the following day with the rest of the invitees. His entry to the Sycamore Room in Government Buildings was barred by a rather embarrassed civil servant. She told him he was no longer invited as he is not a member of the parliamentary party.
Mattie stood his ground, pointing out that no one uninvited him and he wanted his dinner.
Eventually, one of the Taoiseach’s senior advisers arrived on the scene. He also told the unwelcome guest to sling his hook, but Mattie protested he hadn’t had any breakfast because he’d spent the morning doing radio shows. (Dissing his host.)
Couldn’t he smell the food inside? “I’ll have it in the next room. You can bring it into me.” Still no joy. “I’m a diabetic. I need to eat. Look, bring out a bowl of soup and I’ll drink it here in the corridor.” (A dog’s bowl, even?) Deputy McGrath finally had to retreat to the Leinster House canteen.
“I told that man: even in the penal days, they set up soup houses in Tipperary and they fed the peasants,” recalled a disgruntled Mattie.
Lunch with Biffo could be the least of his worries. His erstwhile colleagues are not best pleased with him going against the party line on an issue that many of them were not happy about.
Already, there are rumblings that he may not have an easy run in the next election. Fianna Fáil may put up another candidate along with Martin Mansergh.
Siobhán Ambrose, who is mayor of Clonmel, is favourite to be the second name on the FF ticket. That would spell huge trouble for one-man band Mattie.
McDaid’s instincts prove to be right
Mattie missed out on a lunch of chicken and a crisp mixed salad, strawberry dessert and a nice glass of red or white wine.
But is Biffo’s Hyacinth Bouquet offensive making a difference for him? It seems not. Next Thursday’s recess can’t come quickly enough for Brian Cowen and his tottering administration.
It’s not his cool-headed Coalition partners he has to worry about, but his fellow Soldiers of Destiny. There is a simmering unrest in the ranks which can’t be calmed easily with invites to dine in Government Buildings.
“We’ll get to next Thursday, but there’ll be a fair bit of hard thinking to be done over the summer,” said one TD yesterday.
“There is a lot of unrest in the party and people are beginning to look at their own seats.” Everybody has been unsettled by the closeness of Tuesday night’s vote on the Wildlife Bill.
Around Leinster House, there were rumours that Jim McDaid was going to vote against it.
In the event, the Donegal TD voted to ban stag hunting. But why not, if he wanted the Coalition sundered and a possible election, did he not vote the other way, just in case? McDaid says he is passionately against animal cruelty and didn’t want to reject the legislation unless he was “totally” sure his vote would ensure a Government loss. He knew this would not be the case.
Kenny gets on his bike for charity
Enda Kenny is taking this swashbuckling man of steel stuff a bit far. He’s taking part today in the annual Ring of Kerry cycle, which is being held in aid of Enable Ireland. It’s a round trip of 112 miles, from Killarney through Killorglin, Cahersiveen, Waterville, Sneem, Kenmare, over Moll’s Gap and back to Killarney.
Enda will be in the company of Jimmy Deenihan and 4,500 other cyclists in what is one of the biggest charity fundraising events in Munster.
Deenihan, who is also training for the marathon and will be taking part in next week’s Oireachtas hillwalk in Monaghan, did the course for the first time last year. “I started at 7am and took a few breaks along the way. I finished in seven hours, but I only trained for a month.”
The Fine Gael leader goes for a spin on his bike every Sunday, usually doing a 40km or 50km run, so he should be able for the trip. Jimmy says he’ll ride alongside for most of the journey, but he’ll probably have to burn him off after the first 50 miles.
“He’ll be going up Moll’s Gap on his own.”
Gogarty shows his debating wild side
Paul Gogarty was in vintage form during the wildlife debate.
Here he is taking Labour’s Joanna Tuffy to task: “How would Deputy Tuffy like it if I chased her pet beagle around the road or gave it a good kick up the rear end and scared the living bejasus out of it? What if I then told her that her animal would recover in a few days, but that I got a great laugh out of it and sure is that not sport? I was hunting the animal and giving vent to my masculine, testosterone-fuelled instincts.
“Normally, I leave this on the GAA pitch. My claim to fame in that respect is that I am probably the only person in Ireland who got into a fist fight with a member of his own team. That’s another story.”
Deputy Tom Sheahan (FG): “And this is from the man who claims to be 50 per cent homosexual.”
Amnesty may be a crutch for families
We’ve had a tax amnesty, so why not a crutch amnesty? Labour Senator Phil Prendergast floated the question to Minister for Health Mary Harney in the Seanad on Wednesday.
“Many households have crutches which cannot be used again. It seems extraordinary that this seems to be the policy not to recycle this genuinely reusable medical appliance. For instance, there are currently three sets of crutches in my house and I would be very happy to bring them anywhere they are needed if there is a crutch amnesty. I tried to return them, but they were refused.”
Fowl words fly in Seanad exchange
More from the Seanad: John Ellis (FF): “Like my colleagues on the other side, I welcome the fact that an integrated travel system will eventually be provided in Dublin. It is imperative.”
Jerry Buttimer: “Eventually.”
John Ellis: “The only thing I will say to Senator Buttimer is that we’ll soon have to get a silencer for him because whenever some of us rise to speak, he has to jump up after us.”
An Cathaoirleach: “Please, Senator!” Jerry Buttimer: “I remind Senator Ellis of how bad a job the Government is doing.”
John Ellis: “You’re just like a turkey cock.” Jerry Buttimer: “I knew Senator Ellis would get embarrassed.”
John Ellis: “A Chathaoirligh . . .” An Cathaoirleach: “Let us have questions, please.” John Ellis: “Senator Buttimer definitely reminds me of a turkey cock because he’s always gobbling.”
An Cathaoirleach: “The Senator should not talk to a member across the floor.” Jerry Buttimer: “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
An Cathaoirleach: Members should not comment on other Senators.” Jerry Buttimer: “Senator Ellis’s performance is great.” And more: Donie Cassidy: “Senator Ormonde and others referred to Seanad reform. We should consider what we have achieved in our lifetimes.”
Fidelma Healy Eames (FG): “What have we achieved?”
Donie Cassidy: “The Seanad used to sit for half a day, but we now sit for three days per week.”
Island pay Faroe enough for Kerr
Quote of the week from former Republic of Ireland manager, Brian Kerr, discussing the massive salary paid to England manager Fabio Capello with Vincent Browne on his TV show. Brian, who is in charge of the Faroe Islands, joked that he pulls in twice as much money “and free puffin thrown in for me dinner every day as well!”