TDs eye MPs with envy; Angela's summits; more vegetable love-ins for Sargent; political Jack Russells; the Donie and Mary show; no terms of endearment.
Maybe Bertie could suggest a 'BT' list for cash-strapped TDs
News from across the water that MPs are entitled to claim up to £23,000 (€29,662) a year for fitting out their second homes has been noted with great interest in Kildare Street. Envious glances are being cast.
(It's a lot of money, unless you're doing a Bertie Ahern-style refit. If the Mahon tribunal evidence about the cost of the Taoiseach's interior decor is to be believed, a Westminster-style allowance might just stretch to cover new curtains in Bertie's expensively appointed home.)
It emerged during the week that a "John Lewis list" is used by Commons officials to help them process expenses claims from out-of-town MPs. These parliamentarians are entitled to claw back the costs of maintaining a second base in London, with the British taxpayer picking up the tab for furniture and household requirements.
Lucky claimants are allowed up to £10,000 for the installation of a new kitchen, £6,335 for a new bathroom, £2,000 for a suite of furniture and £1,000 for a bed.
The figures in the extensive list are based on prices in the upmarket John Lewis department store. The maximum amounts MPs can claim include £500 for a chest of drawers; £500 for a bookcase; £300 for a free standing mirror; £550 for a fridge/freezer; £750 for a TV and £750 for a music system.
The politicians can file for up to £35 per sq m of carpet and £6.99 per sq m of underlay as part of their additional costs allowance.
Up to £300 is allowed for a rug, although it is not specified whether this comes under floor coverings or personal grooming.
Yesterday, an Oireachtas spokesperson said no such allowances are available to Dáil deputies from outside Dublin. "Definitely not."
However, it should be pointed out that TDs are entitled to very generous travelling and overnight expenses, while they are considerably better paid than their Westminster counterparts.
But how far would £22,000 go, in this day and age, towards refurbishing your average house in Drumcondra? Bertie Ahern swears he spent nearly £80,000 doing up his residence in 1994. Between soft furnishings costing thousands, a conservatory and various bits of work on the relatively new house, Bertie spent so much on his semi-d that Celia Larkin spent almost all her time "administering the expenditure".
If the Dáil decides to follow Westminster's example and introduce a second home allowance, what might the price guide be called? Man of the people Bertie would probably plump for "the Michael Guiney list", but after his Mahon tribunal stint, perhaps "the Brown Thomas list" is nearer the mark.
Merkel has two suitors for summit talks
German chancellor Angela Merkel will be gratified to learn that two Irish politicians - Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny and Foreign Affairs Minister Dermot Ahern - are fighting over her.
Both of them were attending summits in Brussels on Thursday. Dermot was at the big one, the EU summit, while Enda was at a summit meeting of the EPP (European People's Party).
In the course of the day, the Fine Gael leader issued a statement saying the leaders of the EPP had accepted his invitation to hold a special summit in Dublin next month. "I look forward to welcoming chancellor Angela Merkel and other party leaders to Dublin on April 14th," he said.
Later in the evening, Dermot Ahern held his summit press conference. He said he was delighted to hear that chancellor Merkel was coming to Dublin.
Even though Enda Kenny did the inviting? Whereupon Dermot immediately insisted that the Taoiseach "invited her first". He added hastily: "I don't want to be petty about these things." So where will Angela be speaking? Dermot said nothing was decided yet, but it would probably be at the Forum on Europe.
A spokeswoman for the Forum told us yesterday they are delighted to confirm that chancellor Merkel will be addressing the body on April 14th.
Meanwhile, on hearing Minister Ahern's comments, an amused Fine Gael official told us: "This visit has been in the works with the EPP for months - chancellor Merkel, along with Enda Kenny, is a vice-president of the party. Enda simply confirmed it on Thursday.
"What is it with Dermot Ahern? That guy would start a fight in a phonebox."
With carbon light tread Gormley hits the road
In an effort not to become known as the Bigfoot of our travelling circus of Ministers, Environment Minister John Gormley is keeping a beady eye on his carbon footprint. He opted to stay close to home for his St Patrick's Day duty, and travelled by boat and train to London on Thursday.
While in London, he is unlikely to rack up the sort of limo charges incurred by his fellow Ministers on their jaunts around the world last year. Apparently, John has booked a bio-fuel people carrier. Unfortunately, the Minister will have to take the plane home on Monday as he has engagements in London in the morning and Dublin in the afternoon.
His former leader, vegetable tart Trevor Sargent, is also taking the eco-friendly road. Food Minister Trevor is earmarked for action in Edinburgh. He will be driving there, taking the ferry from Larne.
Of course, as readers of this column are aware, Trevor has a weakness for vegetables and loves to have his photograph taken with them. But he is reckless with his affections. Last week, it was Savoy cabbages. Sadly, but all too inevitably, that's all over.
Sargent's overland journey to Edinburgh is but an elaborate cover story. In reality, he's off on a dirty weekend with organic potatoes at an eco-farm in Leitrim. He'll be driving there to see the spuds on his way back.
Short is powerful - just remember CJH
Songwriters may not like short people, but they do very well for themselves in the world of politics. You only have to look at Nicolas Sarkozy, who is the epitome of what some people call "small man syndrome". What he lacks in stature he makes up for in confidence. Like the Jack Russell terrier, larger-than-life Sarkozy thinks big.
Which is why he's President of France and has just married a supermodel.
The Dáil is full of political Jack Russells. Two of Bertie's miniatures are currently in charge of the country.
This was noted by Fine Gael's diminutive deputy leader, Richard Bruton, during Thursday's order of business. He mused on the fact that just two Ministers were staying at home during the St Patrick's Day season.
Glancing across the floor, he said: "While I have heard of downsizing government, to see two small Ministers, Séamus Brennan and Willie O'Dea, running the Government for the next two weeks is a positive development and I'm all in favour of it."
Two words for deputy Bruton: Charles Haughey.
Mary's hat wins out over Donie's seating
Athlone Institute of Technology was full of happy Fianna Fáil politicians last Monday, when Tánaiste Cowen laid the foundation stone for a new engineering building. And while the general election may be over, the Mary O'Rourke and Donie Cassidy show continues apace.
The pair of them are guaranteed to turn up at everything that happens in Westmeath, so they were glued to Biffo's side on Monday. Mary won the visibility contest, easily outshining Donie in her hard hat, high-vis jacket and big sunglasses.
As the formalities got under way, guests admired the display of what appeared to be fancy cakes. Flowers and fat little chefs, carefully fashioned from icing sugar, were placed around the foyer.
Donie Cassidy appeared a little preoccupied. His phone rang and he sat down to take the call. Unfortunately, he sat on a cake. Donie flattened a fat little chef but didn't notice. He got up and walked away, trailing little hard bits of icing sugar in his wake.
So a word to the catering student who returned to find his or her work of confectionery art destroyed: "Donie did it!"
The Charlie Lenihan clone is born
The people of Dublin South West are blessed with their Fianna Fáil representatives. First, there is Charlie "Mr Tallaght" O'Connor, who can speak authoritatively on any subject under the sun and how it relates to Tallaght. Then there's Junior Minister Conor Lenihan, known by the nickname "Crazy Horse" and who recently suggested that the basement of Leinster House should be converted into a five-a-side "futsal" pitch.
On Wednesday night, Charlie was regaling the Dáil with tales of his visit to a primary school in Tallaght. "In a number of classes the principal asked pupils if they knew who I was and, thank God, they did," said deputy O'Connor, with no small amount of modesty.
However, he says in one class, the principal - Charlie must have been making her ask this in every classroom - asked if they knew the name of the visitor.
Charlie takes up the story: "One hand went up and the youngster said, "Yes, I know who he is." The teacher asked the child the name and the child replied, "Charlie Lenihan".
Now there's a frightening thought. They're bad enough on their own.
Don't darling me, Senator Norris
Senator David Norris is liable to say anything. He has taken of late to referring to senator Martin Mansergh as senator "Mansewerage", which is rather over the top.
Now he's upset Fianna Fáil senator Jim Walsh, who outlined the reason for his discomfiture on Tuesday evening.
"This brings me to a remark made during Private Members' time last week, which I only realised had been made when I read The Irish Times the following day," began senator Walsh. "Senator Norris referred to me as "darling". May I ask Senator Norris to be less effusive in his terms of endearment? I would give three reasons he might refrain from addressing me in those terms in future.
"First, it is probably unparliamentary; second, it certainly could give rise to a little bit of scandal; but third, and most important of all, my wife strongly objects to anyone else calling me 'darling'."
Bill bats for Hillary on her North 'conviction'
Hillary Clinton's involvement in the Northern Ireland peace process was questioned earlier this week by Barak Obama. Bill Clinton came out fighting on his wife's behalf in New York on Thursday night.
He told the capacity crowd at a fundraising concert in a club off Broadway - headline act was a U2 tribute band - that he was "truly amused" when her opponent tried to ridicule the role Hillary played in foreign policy when he was president. Obama, he said, was trying to make out "she talked to the president every now and then, and she poured tea for people," said Bill, to his Irish-American audience. "Well, you just ask the Irish."
He said that when Ian Paisley and Martin McGuinness visited President Bush earlier this year to thank the US for its support during the peace process, "they just asked to see one other leader. They asked to see Hillary, so they could thank her for the independent role she played." Where Northern Ireland was concerned, Bill came up with this rather disconcerting statement: "I was committed. She was convicted."
Also on the concert bill were "The Celtic Women" - hugely successful singing Irish colleens in America, but primarily famous here for having Twink's daughter in their line-up. Bill Clinton said he is a great fan of the Celtic Women.
That's probably true.
Meanwhile, Scranton in East Pennsylvania is preparing for Bertie Ahern's visit on Sunday night, when he is guest speaker at the Friendly Sons of St Patrick of Lackawanna County Dinner.
Actually, Scranton is more interested in Hillary Clinton's planned visit to their annual parade on Saturday, while rumours abound that Barack Obama may turn up to shake the shamrock too. The next big primary is next month in Pennsylvania.
Clinton has confirmed she will march in the parade. Max Kennedy, son of Robert Kennedy, says he will he marching in support of Obama.