'Magill' award for Bertie; Eoghan's acceptance speech; Terence's Gaffe of the Year; Brian Cowen's homecoming; Coughlan cabinet ambitions; British-Irish conference
Survivor of the Year for absent Taoiseach who didn't survive, actually
WITH A sizeable swathe of journalists and camp followers otherwise engaged in Washington on Wednesday, Magill magazine will have experienced a substantial saving on the drinks bill for its annual Politician of the Year Awards.
Despite the absence of most of the members of the judging panel - pol corrs chose the winners - the show went ahead in the impressive surroundings of the Royal Irish Academy on Dawson Street.
Star of the night was Longford Fianna Fáil backbencher, Peter Kelly, who found himself unexpectedly in the limelight when he was prevailed upon to accept a gong on behalf of the absent Taoiseach.
Bertie was a strange choice as Survivor of the Year, given that he hasn't survived. However, the judges marvelled at how he managed to stay in power and win a third successive election, in spite of the lava-flow of facts from Dublin Castle.
But back to Peter, Longford man, deputy, former publican and undertaker, who joked that he had just jetted into Dublin from Abbeyshrule International Airport to appeal for development funding from Taoiseach Brian Cowen. A sotto voce snarl from Biffo, lurking at the back of the hall, didn't augur well.
Peter said he had his own Survivor of the Year Award: in his case, from the Irish Association of Funeral Directors.
On what was an "historic day in world politics" he noted that Bertie Ahern would probably be celebrating in The Dubliner Bar in Washington, owned by Christy Hughes from Ballymahon.
Peerless Peter, resting happily on the podium, told about six yarns before he retired to the pleasing sound of cheering. He didn't even have to do any of his party pieces, which include singing Elvis medleys into his upturned tie, balancing items of crockery on his head and juggling his shoes.
Newly-wed has no time for tawdry ceremonies
Still at the Magill knees-up, Senators Eugene Regan and Eoghan Harris went head to head for the Senator of the Year award, with pro-tribunal Eugene just edging out anti-tribunal Eoghan.
Senator Regan was gracious in victory, paying tribute to his Seanad sparring partner. While some people attack Senator Harris for changing his mind on issues, said Eugene, this is, in fact, a sign of intelligence. Newly-wed Eoghan was in marvellous form, telling everyone he had prepared two speeches: an acceptance speech in case he won, and a second one condemning tawdry awards ceremonies.
The value for money Senator Harris should hang on to his acceptance speech - odds are that he'll probably need it next year.
Dear Joan, what did you do with my script?
Rookie deputy Terence Flanagan spurned a golden opportunity to turn an embarrassing situation to his advantage when he didn't turn up to accept his Gaffe of the Year award. The Fine Gael TD hit the headlines in February when it emerged he had snaffled part of a speech written by Labour's Joan Burton and passed it off in the Dáil as his own. Initially, young Terence denied copying Joan's work and tried to bluster his way out. However, he owned up to pinching the relevant passages and apologised.
Joan, needless to say, was delighted.
A number of months on, and deputy Flanagan is rightly awarded the less than coveted gaffe gong. What to do? Terence might have followed the example set last year by former Tánaiste Michael McDowell, who delivered an amusing and self-deprecating speech in the process. (Michael held his hands up after a sudden rush of blood to the head had him compare mild-mannered Richard Bruton to Joseph Goebbels.) Alternatively, Terence could have gone to the podium, paused, looked over to Joan Burton and asked her for his script. Or he could have waved his speech and declared "Here's something I prepared earlier." Instead, ingénue Flanagan stayed away, which seemed a little petulant. He can plead political inexperience, but his party's hot shot handlers have no such excuse. Did it not strike even one of Enda's Westwingers that there was some political capital to be made?
All-Ireland in May? Quite right, says Biffo
Offaly is en fête next weekend, when the county celebrates the official homecoming of their Brian - otherwise known as Taoiseach Cowen.
Offalians (for that is what they are) will greet Biffo's triumphant return over two days of celebrations. Saturday has been designated "Homecoming Day". The local Fianna Fáil organisation is working closely with the gardaí to ensure the safety of all who attend the planned events. Large crowds are expected.
At 3pm, Eamon Dooley, chairman of Offaly County Council, will host a civic reception in the Taoiseach's honour in Áras an Chontae. Over 250 guests are invited, and the list is growing by the day.
A number of Brian's relations are travelling from America for the occasion, including Offaly football great Peter Nolan.
The town hall formalities will be followed two hours later by the main event, a huge public celebration in Brian's home town of Clara, marking his elevation to the highest political office in the land.
There will be live music in the town from early afternoon with all available green space designated as parking areas and a major traffic management plan in place.
The incoming Taoiseach will visit each of Offaly's four electoral areas over the weekend with stops in Edenderry (Town Hall) on Saturday at midday and Tullamore (O'Connor Square) at 1.30pm, before the Civic Reception. On Sunday he visits Ferbane (Heritage Centre) at 2.30pm and he arrives in Birr (Emmett Square) at 4pm.
Thanks to corner forward Cowen, it'll nearly be as good as winning the All-Ireland.
There's something about media-shy Mary
If you are a real tea drinker and not one for the bags, you're in good company this bank holiday weekend. Anxious Cabinet members and prospective ones will be wetting pots of sturdy Darjeeling - the better to read the leaves in the cup. Already, some Ministers must be fairly convinced they will be on the move after Biffo ascends the throne. Take Minister for Agriculture and Fisheries Mary Coughlan. There's no mention of her in the programme for a forthcoming Bord Iascaigh Mhara conference on the future of the fishing industry.
An unnamed "Minister for Agriculture and Fisheries" is due in Donegal to open it though, and the same minister with no name will deliver the keynote address.
Is there something about Mary that the BIM people know? While she can charm the farmers - even into voting for Lisbon, perhaps - Ms Coughlan doesn't appear to enjoy quite such an assured relationship with the aforementioned marine industry.
So sensitive has Mary been about press coverage in this area of her brief, she has eschewed several interview requests from this newspaper. She's been heard frequently on RTÉ Radio's Farm News, but has only managed one brief interview on its salty counterpart, Seascapes.
Late last winter, her underlings in the Marine Institute asked one of our reporters to "walk the plank" before Ms Coughlan arrived to visit one of their research ships. Funnily enough, a journalist might have been handy to have around, given that the Minister was aboard the vessel to mark the launch of a new report. Should the capable Coughlan net herself a senior economic portfolio next week - as is widely expected - she'll be the happiest fish out of water this side of Killybegs.
A name change for the inter-parliamentarians
The 36th conference of the British-Irish Inter-Parliamentary Body took place in Whites Hotel in Wexford earlier this week, and, in a gesture to unionists who have finally indicated they will send representatives to future gatherings, the BIIPB decided to change its name.
Wait for it. It will soon be known as The British-Irish Parliamentary Assembly (BIPA). These things are important. Apparently they're rigid with excitement in Iveagh House.
A lot of the business of the three-day conference had to be shoehorned into Sunday and early Monday morning, as the MPs had to race back to Westminster for a vote. Only former Northern Ireland secretary Peter Hain and Michael Mates were spared. It was perma-tanned Peter's first time as co-chair of the conference. He was widely praised, moving MP Chris Ruane to say that, in negotiations, Hain was able "to square circles and triangulate". Dinner on Monday night was in the Ferrycarrig Hotel, and the hungry parliamentarians were bussed to their grub. Two remaining stragglers had to travel together in the last coach - the conversation between former secretary Hain and Sinn Féin's Arthur Morgan must have been sparkling.
After all their triangulating, formulating, circle-squaring and thinking big thoughts, the politicians unwound with a little music and some liquid libation. Conference stalwart and pianist extraordinaire, Senator Cecilia Keaveney, took up her position at the ivories, joined by Deputy Dan Boyle of the Greens, who went down a storm with his jazz numbers.