The Minister for Mishaps is trusted with a real pair of scissors; Willie O'Deatakes the reins; the Drumcondra Dozen back a winner, for once; Dermot Ahernlearns The Name of the Rose; Eurovision in the Dáil and work is hell for Tom Kitt
You wait years for a Healy memorial by-pass, and then two of them come along at the same time.
Minister for Transport Noel Dempsey broke cover yesterday to officially declare open the new John Healy Charlestown Road on the N5 in Mayo. There is no truth in the rumour that Noel was given a pair of plastic scissors to cut the ribbon, although as current holder of the rotating office of Minister for Mishaps, it might have been the sensible thing to do.
As guests in Mayo swapped stories about John Healy - the celebrated author and Irish Times journalist who died in 1991, guests down the way in Limerick were reminiscing about Pa Healy, who represented Ireland in rugby, boxing and rowing.
Local TD Willie O'Dea assumed the ribbon cutting duties at the opening of the Corbally link road, which will be known as Pa Healy Road. It was generous of Mr Dempsey to allow the notoriously territorial Minister for Defence to steal his thunder. Noel and his garda driver could easily have made it down from Mayo to Limerick in the two and a half hours between the opening of the John Healy Road at 12.30pm and the opening of the Pa Healy Road at 3pm.
Although they may have had some difficulty negotiating the army roadblocks along the route, and the tanks at Sixmilebridge would have slowed their progress considerably.
There will have been no waving about of dangerous pointy scissors by Willie O'Dea yesterday. He is very suspicious of cameras since he posed for photographs at an army firing range with his finger on the trigger of an automatic weapon. The resulting image caused uproar, although all poor Willie was doing was enjoying one of the traditional perks of the job: being a pretend soldier.
On Wednesday, he returned to the scene of his embarrassment. This time, there were no weapons involved, only a potentially dangerous horse.
Corporal O'Dea was there to meet children from Limerick and Palestine who are taking part in the Arts for Peace Foundation's therapeutic recreation programme. A horse was trotted out to enhance the photo opportunities, as many of the army's retired showjumpers are stabled at the camp.
Willie appeared a little ill at ease with the situation. It wasn't the children, it wasn't the soldiers, so it must have been the horse, which he kept at a safe distance while the photographers were around. Not a chance of him patting its neck or standing beside it. It wasn't until Thursday's Irish Times was published that the reason became clear. For there was Willie, the Army Chief of Staff and the children with the horse. According to the caption, the horse's name was "Kilshannon." Kill Shannon? It's a wonder the Minister didn't die of shock on the spot. There was much sniggering in the media ranks. However, let us put his mind at rest. The Army School of Equitation - as opposed to the Army School of Pronunciation - can confirm that the nine-year-old gelding is actually called "Kilshanna." You can send out the pictures now, Willie.
Still on matters equine, was anyone listening to the radio last Sunday afternoon? Were you stopped in your tracks by the live commentary from the 4.35 in Galway? "And it's Paddy the Plasterer as we reach the final stages . . . Paddy the Plasterer in front . . . It's neck and neck with Paddy the Plasterer and Massey Shaw . . . And it's Paddy the Plasterer in a photo finish . . . " It's over a year now since an emotional Bertie Ahern opened his heart to the nation on the Six One News, explaining how straitened financial circumstances in the early nineties led him to accept a £50,000 "dig-out" from his friends.
The Drumcondra Dozen who rallied around to help their pal briefly hit the headlines, but one of their number entered the realm of cult status. Step forward "Paddy the Plasterer," which is how humble Bertie chose to describe his property developer pal.
In the last year, there have been several sightings of the legendary Plasterer. He was spotted in Newgrange at the Winter Solstice, at the Ireland-England rugby game in Croke Park, and near the front at the Fianna Fáil Ard Fheis.
But for all that, Paddy "the Plasterer" Reilly keeps a low profile. However, it seems that some of the Drumcondra Dozen are determined to celebrate his role in the bailing out of Bertie. Last Sunday "Forpadydeplasterer," trained by Tommy Cooper in Tralee, ran his first race in the apposite setting of Galway racecourse, scene of so many Fianna Fáil fundraisers.
"Forpadydeplasterer" won by a short head. A happy day for his owners, a Dublin based group calling themselves "The Goat Syndicate," as in that well known pub: "The Goat Grill." Proprietor? One Mr Charlie Chawke, another of Bertie's bail-out boys and a leading member of the Drumcondra Dozen.
President McAleese will lead the Irish delegation to Rome in three weeks time for the elevation of Archbishop Sean Brady to the Consistory of Cardinals. Minister for Foreign Affairs Dermot Ahern, will represent the government.
On the day before the consistory - the feast day of St Columbanus - Mr Ahern travels to north west Italy, where he will be given the freedom of the small village of Bobbio.
The Irish missionary Columbanus established a monastery there in the 7th century. The picturesque village is now famed as the seat of the early Benedictine monastery in Umberto Eco's novel The Name of the Rose. In conferring upon Dermot the Freedom of Bobbio, the village cites his involvement in the Northern Ireland peace process and his work as Foreign Minister at EU level.
One wonders if the Palestinian children who met Willie O'Dea got a chance to ask him about the possibility of their country competing in the Eurovision song contest.
It's a subject dear to the heart of Sinn Fein's Justice Spokesman, Aengus O'Snódaigh.
He recently tabled a parliamentary question to the Minster for Foreign Affairs, asking "if his attention has been drawn to the campaign by Palestinian artists and musicians to participate in the Eurovision song contest; and if he has made representations through the International Telecommunications Union or the European Broadcasting Union, or if he will to do so at a future stage." The reply was published last week.
"I have no objection on foreign policy grounds to Palestinian participation in any international event, and would in fact see considerable merit in such involvement. However, as Minister for Foreign Affairs, I have no role in relation to the Eurovision Song Contest, which is organised by the European Broadcasting Union." Perhaps this topic will be discussed among the guests in Stormont on Tuesday night for the launch of Dana's biography, surprisingly titled All Kinds of Everything. The 350 strong guest list includes fellow Eurovision winners Johnny Logan and Linda Martin, along with self-confessed Eurovision buff and millionaire boyband manager, Louis Walsh.
Ian Paisley is launching the book, which was ghosted for the former presidential candidate and MEP by Ken Murray, a Dublin based radio journalist with the news service, INN. Dr Paisley's new best friend, Martin McGuinness will be there as part of the Derry contingent, along with John Hume.
Given Dana's showbiz credentials, there will be a major charge of Norn Iron's light entertainment brigade on Parliament Buildings in Belfast. Gloria Hunniford and Frank Carson will be leading from the front.
Government Chief Whip, Tom Kitt, loves his work. A sticker from Washington's Smithsonian Institute adorns the door to his first floor office in Leinster Hose.
It reads: "My God, this is a hell of a job!" This is a quote from Warren Harding, 29th president of the United States of America. It is not, however, the full quote, which continues: "I can take care of my enemies all right. But my friends, my goddamn friends, they're the ones that keep me walking the floor at nights." Republican Harding, who died in 1923, wasn't a great president, but he seems to have been a fun sort of guy. He played table tennis and lawn tennis every day, he played poker at least two nights a week and went golfing as often as he could. His private life was messy, he regularly visited burlesque shows and his administration was beset by scandal.
Despite his many failings, at least President Harding - unlike our Ministers who happily pocketed juicy pay rises this week - didn't suffer from delusions of adequacy. He once famously said "I am not fit for this office and never should have been here." In the humility free zone that is Bertie's Cabinet, that's one quote we'll never see stuck on a door.