SKETCH:Spewing weary sporting metaphors to the party members in a half-time pep talk, the radio man split for the Listowel races to interview Bertie
RUGBY PUNDIT George Hook has developed a nice little sideline in insulting politicians and getting handsomely paid for his trouble. He gets away with it because his patter comes gift-wrapped in a fancy package labelled "motivational speaking".
He spoke at a Fianna Fáil think-in a number of years ago and managed to insult then tánaiste Mary Harney with a remarkably prescient remark about PD rats and sinking ships.
Mary was highly offended and cold-shouldered the broadcaster for some time until she got over her annoyance.
It was Fine Gael's turn this year to sign up for a session of the bleedin' obvious from George. Politics is like rugby, he told them. It's to do with winning and losing. All it takes to win is teamwork and discipline. Nobody remembers losers. Coming second is irrelevant.
In a gesture of solidarity with his audience of political wooden-spooners, George delivered his motivational address wearing a blue shirt - "So you can see which team I support."
Then he remembered some of the great names from Fine Gael's past - WT Cosgrave, John A Costello, Garret FitzGerald. Men of greatness. Men of achievement.
Whereupon he turned to the current crop and asked: "So, why are you losers? Because losers you are!" Head office didn't have to shell out good money to hear this bombshell. A quick perusal of Nealon's Guide to the Dáil could have told them that.
Some members of the parliamentary party have been sitting on the Opposition benches for so long that their DNA is burned into the leather.
The pep talk took place in private and remained private until the session finished and the party members, in time-honoured tradition, went outside and told the media all about it.
George, meanwhile, was packed, paid and out of the building before midday. He had another engagement, this time at Listowel races, where he conducted a hilarious interview on Newstalk with Bertie Ahern.
Bertie seems to have great respect for George. Maybe this is because Hook is a member of a very rare breed: people who have emerged from dealings with Fianna Fáil with more money than when they started out.
If Ahern's tribunal appearance earlier in the week is anything to go by, the opposite is more usually the case.
Back in Limerick, Fine Gael's happy losers were preparing to ship out after two days of intensive thinking and team bonding. Deputies and Senators looked fresh, if not rested, after their dinner and drinks the night before.
Highlights of the evening included a rousing rendition of Raglan Road by Dr James Reilly, confirming our suspicions that he is balladeer Jim McCann's secret twin.
Deputy Noel Coonan from Tipperary North sang a highly emotional song about Michael Collins, egged on by teary and bellowing colleagues. Big Noel belted out verses about candles dripping blood and weeping rosary beads as his swaying audience cheered to the rafters.
Later in the day, the travelling circus of political thinkers moved further south to Kerry, when the Greens kicked off their annual ruminations in Tralee's swanky new Fels Point Hotel.
Obviously deputies had been instructed to arrive in casual dress - shirt sleeves and suchlike. Trevor Sargent went overboard and arrived wearing a multicoloured confection that can only be described as a sawn-off rodeo shirt. He was in a great mood, having purchased a packet of curly kale seeds the night before in Ballinasloe. A rare, dark-leafed kale from Seed Savers, he told us, showing off the packet and reading off the Latin name.
They get down to their serious thinking today. Apparently, they want to see an "environmental pillar" added to the social partners. That should provide a shot in the arm to the troubled construction industry.
Down the road in Listowel, Bertie Ahern was getting a huge welcome at the races. It must be noted that George Hook didn't call him a loser.
Instead, he addressed Bertie as "iar-taoiseach", a title which our former leader appears to favour. He explained on George's radio show that he learned the title, which means former taoiseach, from "gaelgoirs" in Kerry while on his holidays. They said to him: "If all your career you are taoiseach, why do you change as soon as you're a former taoiseach? So they said I should use the term iar-taoiseach. It's the very logical thing." It might also impress the Yanks and add a few more thousand to his speaking fees. Maybe George gave Bertie a few pointers on the motivational speaking after their interview.
The former taoiseach also spoke about the economic crisis and urged people not to start withdrawing their money from banks. He also thinks Bank of Ireland shares are a good buy at the moment.
"In my view, I'd take the option, if I'd had the money or if Ruby [Walsh] has a few more winners during the week, I'd go out and I'd buy Bank of Ireland shares, that's what I'd do." The nags have been so kind to Bertie over the years.
He had a few bob on a horse in the seventh race. It was called Bertie's Dream. Unfortunately, it trailed home in 7th place, behind Hintsandallegations, which was beaten into second by a short-neck and well in front of Beat the Rap. Might he think of setting his sights on the Áras in the future, asked George of his fellow motivational speaker.
"We have a great President and she's there till 2011, so I wouldn't talk about it until then."
Ruling nothing in. Ruling nothing out. He'll have Brian Cowen's heart broken.
