NATO has come to Washington for its 50th birthday and the capital of the free world is reeling.
Well, not really. But things are pretty hectic when you get 44 world leaders, their planes, their limos and their entourages converging in one place.
It's so bad that about 100,000 civil servants in central Washington were actually ordered not to come to work for the first day of the summit. In fact they would not have been able to get to their offices in the Federal Triangle area because it has been taken over by the NATO warriors and is ringed by concrete barriers and SWAT teams.
The local papers and TV are showing the streets which will be off limits, the metro station that cannot be used and the draconian parking restrictions. The motto is: "Be prepared: crowds, closings."
One couple who planned their wedding a year ago for a hotel which now is in the zone banning all vehicles are in shock. No one told them the day they picked would be also the biggest international summit in Washington's history. Now they are studying maps of downtown Washington to see how to get guests, ushers, bridesmaids, musicians, hairstylists, caterers and babysitters through the ring of steel and canine bomb sniffers.
"I'm a total wreck," the bride confessed to the Washington Post. "You do everything to ensure this is a wonderful day for yourself, family and friends and you want everyone to have a wonderful time . . . the whole thing could blow up in our face."
The capital has done a tremendous clean-up in the past weeks. Prisoners in the local jails and "substance abusers" under treatment have been released for cleaning streets and pavements, removing graffiti and hanging out flags. The homeless who sit on the hot air vents of the metro system have been moved out of sight and rat-catching has been stepped up.
There is an enormous security presence, with sharpshooters even posted on the scaffolding around the Washington Monument. But if anyone makes trouble, arrangements have been made for extra judges to be on hand to pass out sentences. Extra space has been provided for "a potential influx" into the very jails which provided some of the road-sweepers. In one door and out the other.
Local police commander Jose Acosta is on the ball. He warned that "no one will be immune from arrest", according to the Washington Times. "We're working 12-hour shifts on the prostitution unit," he explained. "We expect a lot of activity."
He said that normally the number of prostitutes increases during the spring and with a large contingent of people from out of town this weekend, he expects more hookers out on the streets.
So the NATO warriors had better watch out as they party late. But they will not get much chance to stray. Commander Acosta is providing "dignitary protection" teams who will stay with the VIPs "until they go in for the night". The 3,000 media folk who have arrived from 44 countries are being well looked after. The first question on the "fact sheet" handed to journalists as they arrived at the conference centre is "How do I get into the press party?" Answer: "To get three free drinks, you must have the media reception card."
With the press packs we all got our NATO T-shirts with the 50th anniversary logo. As Ireland is one of the very few European countries not represented at this birthday bash, I had a momentary scruple at taking the NATO garment. What about our neutrality?
And does Aer Lingus know that it is first on the list of international airlines in the information kits for the NATO delegations?
Looking after 3,000 journalists is easy compared with the job of Mary Mel French, the Chief of Protocol at the State Department, who has the nightmare task of handling the comings and goings of 43 world leaders and their 86 feet. Yes, she and her staff arrange the "toe cards" showing exactly where the great and the good will stand at the various ceremonies.
Then when they sit down there are more problems. What is the pecking order around the table? NATO lists countries according to the English alphabet, but then there is the separate list of when a country joined the alliance and yet another list of seniority of the various presidents and prime ministers.
The motorcades are an even bigger nightmare. The Secret Service has each arrival and departure timed to the second but as Ms French points out, you can't order presidents to get in the car if they are hanging back for small chat.
"You can't do it like you would with little children. You have to be a little more discreet." Ms French is an old Arkansas friend of President Clinton and knows that he likes to cosset his guests. "He can get very upset if he thinks someone is not being treated well."
President de Gaulle, who threw NATO out of Paris and sent it to less glamorous Brussels, had a world-weary view of the organisation which is quoted in the background material in the press kits: "Treaties are like young girls and roses. They last as long as they last."
NATO was 17 years old then. Now it has got to 50 - not quite a young girl any more, but lasting.