DÁIL SKETCH:SOMEBODY MUST have taken The Bull by the horns. "How the hell do we neuter Nipper?" Rumour has it Fianna Fáil's finest were dispatched to Cahirciveen on Monday to rediscover the formula.
"Tell us, Ceann Comhairle, where do you keep your nuts?" The Bull O'Donoghue has been very docile since that unfortunate episode at the beginning of his tenure in the chair, when he lost his head with the Opposition and added considerably to the gaiety of the nation.
He is still prone to the occasional rhetorical flourish, but there's been barely a bellow or a snort out of him since then.
It is, of course, the special cattle nuts. The Bull is a new man.
But Nipper Cowen has been proving something of a handful of late. Biffo by birth, Nipper by nature. Something had to be done. There have been too many episodes in too short a time to be ignored.
Hence the secret expedition to deepest Kerry South. Not a word to the Taoiseach. If the Bull believes his Sleepy Nuts are a variation of All Bran, why can't Nipper? Nipper Cowen's latest incident happened at the weekend in Portlaoise, when he charged the Opposition, and Fine Gael in particular, to pull up their socks and work as hard as Fianna Fáil towards delivering the Lisbon Treaty next month.
Enda Kenny is seething. He let this be known in the Dáil.
Enda has a point. When parties are supposed to be pulling for the same side, it's a bad sign when one starts criticising the other.
But what he doesn't realise is that Nipper Cowen is fighting his inner pug. His legend was cemented among the Fianna Fáil grassroots in the Reynolds era, when he fought tenaciously in the Dáil for his leader. He turned this terrier-like response to anybody he perceived to be anti-Fianna Fáil into oratorical gold.
But in recent years, Cowen has sublimated his natural urge to nip non-believers. Now he is leader, and off the leash again.
Enda Kenny tried to get the Taoiseach to withdraw his remarks. He complained they caused difficulty and antagonism among volunteers in parties other than Fianna Fáil who are working in support of the Yes campaign.
"I was disappointed at the tenor and import of the remarks made by you at the weekend," said Enda, who pointed out that the Yes camp needed to present a united front. The Taoiseach should clear the air and set the record straight "in the interests of harmony", said Kofi Kenny.
Cowen's reaction was watched with great interest. Had the clandestine trip to Cahirciveen been successful? Or would Nipper, unleashed, make a show of himself? God, but those animal nuts are great stuff.
Cowen appeared contrite. He said he didn't understand what was bugging Enda. He had simply commented on opinion poll findings and was misinterpreted.
He hadn't "intended" or "offered" offence. He just wanted everyone to work together.
Biffo never raised his voice. But you could see it was an effort.
But Enda was not so easily mollified. He reminded the Taoiseach what he had said: that Fianna Fáil was more pro-European than other parties, which should crank up their campaigns to reach the FF level.
"I'm telling you this straight, Taoiseach, face to face." The Ceann Comhairle's special recipe nuts were doing a marvellous job. "I've no issue with deputy Kenny at all . . . I'm not making an issue of it," repeated Biffo, with ne'er a sign of Nipper.
He waved his arm about, smiling, trying to plead his case, but never once indulging in any finger pointing. "We're all on the one side." Shaking his head, he pouted: "You know, I can't forecast how you take what I have to say, I mean, if I were to be taking things personally, I'd be, you know, listening to a whole lot of remarks over the weekend which I don't take personally . . ."
The Taoiseach kept the decibel level in check, but his voice took on a strangulated quality, increasingly high-pitched, as he battled to maintain a conciliatory and slightly contrite tone.
He continued: "I don't care what you have to say about me. You know, it doesn't worry me. It's nothing to do with it. So I don't take offence, so I don't see why anyone else should take offence."
Unfortunately for Brian, what he said at the weekend could only be construed as a swipe at his temporary allies. Nipper Cowen could never resist such sport.
So perhaps the most insightful comment of the afternoon came from Labour leader Eamon Gilmore. "I think there are occasions, in the country's interest, where the Taoiseach will have to resist the temptation of giving the Opposition parties a kick every time he sees us."
Rest easy, Eamon. Once they adjust the dosage, The Bull's nuts might just do the business. And Nipper will be neutered.