IT'S High Noonan for the purveyors of alcoholic lemonade. The Minister for Health has targeted those innocent-looking drinks that pack a powerful punch.
"One of the biggest threats to young people in the country" and "positively dangerous". That's what the Minister thinks of Hooper's Hooch, Woody's, Mug Shot and other such brews.
"I think a beer should look like a beer," the Minister said stoutly. Potions which may have a higher alcohol content than your average pint shouldn't be "dickied up" to look like a mineral water.
But the former Minister for Justice is not proposing to intern the promoters of the "alco-pops". He's simply going to take them down to the basement for a wee chat.
The scene could go something like this: "These drinks you're selling to the public now, they look an awful lot like the old Club Orange and Lucozade," Noonan will say.
Then in quietly-menacing tones, and shining the light directly into their eyes, he'll tell them: "Well they don't fool me!"
It's unlikely the Head Honchos of Hooch and the Masters of Mug Shot will have to sign a blood-oath to package their products in brown paper with skull signs, but they would be well-advised to change their act to satisfy the Minister. He'll keep them in the basement until they do.
Strictly in the cause of research, your humble scribe sampled a couple of these brews. They do look remarkably like soft drinks but when you taste them you know you're not drinking Mi-Wadi.
The Minister is worried that young girls in particular have developed a taste for these potions. He spoke of his fears at a press conference to launch the new National Alcohol Policy yesterday.
Having assumed the mantle of Father Mathew, it was inevitable that the Minister would not be supplying the thirsty journos with booze. The strongest offering Aqua Libra not uisce beatha.
The Minister also "called time" on the Happy Hour. He dislikes the notion of people guzzling down pints and chasers at triple the normal rate of consumption.
But he's not going to ban it, he's just going to talk to the publicans. He's confident they'll see it his way. Most people do ... after a little gentle persuasion.