THE AUTHOR and columnist Nuala O'Faolain has revealed that she has terminal lung cancer and has ended her medical treatment.
She spoke about her illness to Marian Finucane on RTÉ radio on Saturday morning.
Ms O'Faolain (67) worked as a television producer and journalist before writing the international bestseller, Are You Somebody?, in 1996 and following it with three more books.
She was diagnosed with metastatic cancer more than six weeks ago in New York, 16 years after she quit smoking. The writer, a former opinion columnist with The Irish Times, divides her time between the US and Ireland.
She said she had no idea that she was sick until she noticed that her right side was dragging slightly. Cat scans and X-rays found primary lung tumours and secondary brain tumours. The cancer has since spread to her liver. "I couldn't deal with it. I was so shocked," she recalled, "and it took me a long time to work my way a little bit out of shock."
Ms O'Faolain came back to Ireland and underwent radiation. She had planned to have 18 weeks of chemotherapy but discontinued treatment because of side effects.
"Whether it's the disease or the brain radiation, [ it] reduced me to such feelings of impotence and wretchedness and sourness with life, and fear, that I decided against [ the treatment]," she said.
Her cancers were incurable, but aggressive treatment could have given her some time. "Even if I gained time through the chemotherapy, it isn't time I want because as soon as I knew that I was going to die soon, the goodness went out of life."
She had been writing a book and life was good before the cancer, but it turned black immediately after the diagnosis, she said. "For example, I live somewhere beautiful but it means nothing to me any more, the beauty."
Ms O'Faolain also said she did not believe in an after-life and could not be consoled by mention of God, despite her Catholic upbringing. "I respect and adore the art that arises from the love of God and though nearly everybody I love and respect, they themselves believe in God, it is meaningless to me, really meaningless."
Family and friends had been "inexplicably good" since her illness began and she felt a desire to make things right. "For example, I lived for years with [ journalist] Nell McCafferty, let's say 15 years, and I'd say 12 of those years were the greatest fun and I owe so much to them. In fact . . . Irish women owe so much to Nell and I was dead lucky to live with her. But of course it ended up not so hot. But now it is my great pleasure to be in e-mail contact with Nell and to thank her."
Ms O'Faolain said she also regretted leaving the world having accumulated so much knowledge.
"I've been in a lot of places, I loved lots of people, usually unwisely, so much has happened and it seems such a waste of creation that with each death all that knowledge dies," she said.
But she also pointed out that billions of people had died in a lot greater pain than she would die in.
"When I think of people dying in Auschwitz or dying in Darfur or dying of starvation or dying multiply raped in the eastern Congo, I think, look how comfortably I'm dying. I have friends and family. I'm in this wonderful country. I have money. There's nothing much wrong with me except dying."
She had always said that passion was the most important thing in life. "That seems a bit silly now. What I think matters in life now is health and reflectiveness . . . I would like if I had been a better thinker. The passion can go and take a running jump."
She felt she had been discarded by the world. "I thought that there'd be me and the world but the world turned its back on me. The world said to me, well that's enough of you now and what's more, we're not going to give you any little treats at the end."
