Day 1
The first day of rehearsals for any show is like the first day at primary school. Today is even more nerve wracking, as today I meet the cast and crew of Cinderella, including Twink, Dustin and Soky. I turn up at rehearsals with a new copy book, 15 biros, 5 highlighter markers, an apple for Brian Merriman, our director, and my face scrubbed to a high shine.
The cast, crew and production team gather in the rehearsal hall. They all know each other from past pantos, so there's hugs and kisses all round. Gary Finegan (my fellow ugly sister) and I, as the new kids on the block, stand nervously to one side. Dustin gives me the beady eye, and whispers "Culchie" under his breath (I'm from Limerick). Soky is much nicer and lets me hold his blue bucket.
Brian welcomes us all. Twink asks everyone to be nice to the newcomers. (Oh no, I'm going to be beaten up in the playground at break). We then read the script. We laugh at all the funny bits, cry at the sad bits and in the end they all live happily ever after. But not us, because now the hard work begins.
Day 2
I spent the morning watching our choreographer (Belinda Murphy) at work. Belinda is so tough and fit that she makes Scary Spice look like a pussycat. I am a bit nervous about what she will do to Gary and me when she gets her hands on us. Today she is working with the Prince (Farard Daver) and Dandini (Niall O'Neill) and all the dancers. They are all very young, incredibly talented and impossibly good-looking. I hate them all. Already I am becoming my character, a bitter and twisted ugly sister.
Day 5
Twink pinched my bottom 14 times today. No, it's not that I'm that irresistable - I'm sure she took no pleasure in it. It's all in a day's work. We are rehearsing a scene where Twink meets the Uglies. It's full of wise cracks, insults and dirty looks. We do the scene again and again to get the timing right, hence the excessive bottom pinching. But "that's showbiz".
Day 8
All week we have been blocking the show, sorting out moves, exits, entrances etc. Today we run through the whole thing. Also this is our first full day with the Kids Chorus. They are all very, very young, incredibly talented and so cute. I loathe them. This ugly sister thing is really kicking in. Unfortunately, Twink, Dustin and Soky cannot be here as they are doing a photo shoot (probably for Hello!). Brian Merriman steps into the breach and reads their parts. His Dustin is uncanny, his Soky both sweet and touching and his Twink strangely compelling.
All week I have felt about as funny as a wet nappy, but today the kids boo the uglies and find them hilarious. We are on the right track but there's still a long way to go.
Day 10
Today Gary and I are working with Belinda on the Uglies' big number. We strut and pout like demented disco divas. Around us "the boys" dance, gyrate and shimmy as if their lives depended on it. Occasionally they furiously shake bits of their bodies at us, which cannot be good for their future physical health. I foresee major lower back problems. However the number should go down a storm. Britney and Whitney, eat your heart out.
Day 14
Costume fitting. I am to wear a series of gorgeous gunas, but there is one big problem. The dresses add a foot to either side of me, and between wigs and high heels I gain two feet vertically. It's like going from driving a mini to driving an articulated lorry while operating a crane. Corners and sudden stops are particularly tricky.
Day 16
I'm exhausted. I spent the morning with Cinderella (Rachel Barror). Rachel is young, pretty and sweet, but this cuts no dice with me. I am now going full throttle in ugly sister mode. Gary and I roar, shout, prod, poke and push Cinderella around for the whole morning. In the afternoon I throw myself at Prince Charming's feet, again and again and again. Also my hand hurts from slapping Dustin. Does Daniel Day Lewis ever have days like this?
Day 19
This is our last day in the rehearsal hall (thanks everyone at the Taney Centre). We do our last run through of the whole show before we move into the Olympia Theatre. It all goes very smoothly, but we all know that's about to change. In the theatre we will be adding a whole new set of ingredients, sets, lighting, costumes and special effects, not to mention pumpkins, mice, ponies and magical glass slippers. Finally we will face the most important ingredient of all: "the audience". So wish me luck, but maybe it's best if you don't say break a leg, considering the high heels. Right, once more from the top: "Cinderella, you shall go to the ball." "Oh no, she won't." "Oh yes, she will!"
Cinderella, starring Twink, Dustin and Soky, opens at the Olympia Theatre on St Stephen's Day. Booking: 01-6774444
Myles Breen: new kid on the panto block