It's time we saved our children from the racket that passes for music - and save pop in the process. So get yourself some Mozart, Eno, and Toots & the Maytals and rock the cradle, writes John Kelly
Young people are killing music. More dangerous than the squarest parent, more lethal than the most moral majority, this tyrannical target audience is bringing pop music to an undignified end. Once the music that carried teenagers through the maelstrom and elevated grown-ups out of adulthood, pop has almost popped its last. As it shamelessly feeds what's left of itself to the Teletubby constituency, the rest of us are condemned either to moan about it forever or to try to make a change.
I suggest action. It's high time we saved our children, saved ourselves and saved pop in the process. And I have a plan too. First, stop referring to it as pop and call it what it is: children's entertainment. All of the smiley production-line groups are only, let's face it, human versions of the Tweenies. No more and no less. Their appeal is their bright colours, their endless movement and their bouncy, bouncy beats. That's why the kids love them, and that's why their fan base still needs to be winded.
I'm not suggesting Leonard Cohen in the crèche, but I question why the rest of us must be constantly bombarded with sounds designed for the under-12s. There is, of course, plenty of other music out there, but the conspiracy of the bland means we rarely hear it. Not only do our children never hear anything else, but we grown-ups don't get to, either. And I certainly don't see why we are expected to assist in the conspiracy. I'll say it again. It's time to save our children, save ourselves and save pop.
And pop music really does need saving. It's in a ridiculous state at present, given that S Club 7 and U2 are technically in the same business. How daft is it that they are somehow in competition with each other? How absurd is it that everyone finds themselves in the same playpen? U2 can survive it with style, of course, but for a younger band, or an older, less fashionable hand, it's not quite so easy. They must vigorously compete with the human Tweenies for attention, for resources, for record-company support, for airtime. In most cases they don't stand a chance.
We can speculate that even a band such as The Beatles wouldn't get arrested these days. The last thing children's entertainment needs, after all, is John Lennon: spiky, challenging, smart, musical, funny, dangerous, odd, poetic and driven. Of course not, it needs Barney. So let's stop calling children's entertainment pop and find a separate place to put it. Let Dustin deal with it in children's programmes and let the grown-ups get on with their musical lives. Maybe then we might begin again to hear somebody sing with their heart and soul on mainstream pop radio.
The second part of my plan involves more than just a name change. It involves action. We must take our children back. We must stop entrusting their feelings to a racket that stinks of nothingness. We must act like adults. And if our children insist on still listening to it, then treat it like smoking. Say cranky things like, "You can smoke all you like, but not under my roof", or, "It's for your own good".
Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those 1950s parents who banned Elvis Presley. My seven-month-old daughter is into Daft Punk and Toots & the Maytals, so please don't confuse me with a stick-in-the-mud. She can watch Tweenies all she likes and listen to music all she likes, but I'll do my best to make sure she knows the difference between the real Tweenies and the versions that pass for pop groups.
I know getting our children back won't be easy. In many cases it may be far too late unless you really want to get heavy. A severe parent might consider grounding the kids for pop-music transgressions - maybe a week for 'N Sync, two weeks for Hear'Say and three weeks for S Club 7. And a word of warning. Be very careful with personal stereos, because they could be listening to anything in their bedrooms and you'd never know it. A friend of mine caught his five-year-old with the Six single before it had even been released. He still doesn't know where she got it. And she's been grounded since.
So we must get to our children before the industry does. And you must start early. It was a French physician called Alfred Tomatis who first recognised that children's listening abilities begin in utero - and you can't start much earlier than that, unless you count the all-important twinkle-in-the-eye Marvin Gaye album. Tomatis also discovered that playing Mozart to babies improved their motor skills, speech and the whole of the left side of the brain. His studies ultimately led to enlightened efforts such as the Beethoven Babies Bill, as it is popularly known in Florida, which legislated that classical music be an everyday part of childcare centres and state-funded education facilities. Try Mozart if you will. My preference - and my secret weapon in this battle - is the music of a little-known genius called Raymond Scott. Born Harry Warnow in Brooklyn, New York, in 1908, Scott was one of the most influential and innovative musicians of the 20th century. He started out as a jazzman; his later music was used for Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck cartoons; he invented countless electronic instruments, such as the Clavivox, an early synthesiser; he developed advanced recording techniques; and, most importantly in this context, he made music for babies.
Recorded at the start of the 1960s, the three volumes of Soothing Sounds For Baby are extraordinary. My daughter is on the second, which is for six- to 12-month-olds. Originally released on three LPs, Soothing Sounds For Baby was devised with the Gesell Institute of Child Development, as an "aural toy" to be heard during "feeding, teething, play, sleep and fretful periods". It was also intended to be "pleasantly stimulating".
So far, all is going well. The little one seems content with these pioneering electronic sounds - and hasn't so much as mentioned Louis Walsh.
So get yourself some Mozart, Raymond Scott, Brian Eno, Toots & the Maytals, Daft Punk and U2 and give your baby a break. You'll thank me for it one day, because when baby gets older, he or she will be able to distinguish Teletubbies from Backstreet Boys and you will have a very happy house, filled with the sound of real children's entertainment and real music. And it will happen if we make the effort. Children aren't stupid. And neither are we.