Miriam Lord: Damp squibs in the Dáil while sparks fly in Stormont and Westminster

It was bad enough to hear the names invoked by Verona Murphy (Stalin) and Mattie McGrath (Hitler) to emphasise the tyranny under which the oppressed people of Ireland apparently now labour, but you could have knocked us down with a jackboot when news from Michael Healy-Rae further shook our faith in humanity.

It was no surprise to hear the independent TD for Kerry using his slot at Leaders’ Questions to raise the weekend’s devastating fire in Killarney National Park.

“Heaven’s Garden on Earth”, as he called it, urging the Taoiseach to make sure his Government puts all necessary funding in place to aid the recovery. MHR is blue in the face asking for more park rangers and maintenance workers in the park, which is “a natural breathing thing” and “doesn’t mind itself”.

But this time, the need is critical.

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“It is devastating and heartbreaking to see such a beautiful, beautiful area impacted so severely,” sighed the Taoiseach, who could condole with abandon because he was about to repeat the previous day’s announcement by Darragh O’Brien of a big recruitment campaign for wildlife rangers.

The Minister for Housing, Local Government and Heritage suffered a devastating setback of his own last month when his “big urban renewal grants” nationwide tour went up in flames due to Covid-19 restrictions. Fortunately, he was permitted to travel to Kerry on Monday to view the destruction personally and, by his uplifting presence, revive flagging spirits. Darragh was accompanied by Minister of State Malcolm Noonan.

“It was important that they went to the park yesterday to see the damage first-hand and also to pay tribute to all those involved in working to quench the fire,” Micheál informed the Dáil.

Well, of course. The sight of Darragh O’Brien striding manfully towards them, with Malcolm a respectful few paces behind, must have been a source of great comfort and consolation to desolated souls in the Kingdom at this difficult time.

Norma Foley was not wearing a life-jacket. This is because her trademark gobstopper necklace is also a flotation device

But here’s MHR: “I have to say that no one in Kerry, and least of all myself, was impressed to see Ministers trying to make a photo opportunity out of running down to Kerry and standing up on a rock inside in water trying to make out, ‘well, d’ye know it’s great now we’re here.’ Why weren’t they there when I was looking for additional funding for the National Parks and Wildlife Service?”

A shocking response to what was a humanitarian act on the part of Darragh O’Brien and his departmental consort. Very disappointing news from the Kilgarvan deputy.

Inspirational

The photographs to which he referred, and there are many, were inspirational.

And even with the awful ravaging of the landscape, the Ministers’ sunny lakeside backdrop framed by the majestic mountains still looked breathtaking.

The photo which made MHR and his people snap featured Darragh and Malcolm standing on a shingly shoreline with a rigid inflatable dinghy bobbing beside them in the crystal-clear shallows. Both men wore little life-jackets like Orange Order collarettes. With them was the Minister for Education, who is from Kerry. Norma Foley was not wearing a life-jacket.

This is because her trademark gobstopper necklace is also a flotation device. Norma’s pearls inflate massively on contact with a large body of water and can keep the wearer’s head above the surface in the event of a force nine gale or a passing photographer from Kerry’s Eye.

Healy-Rae’s revelation about the ingratitude of his fellow countymen and women (not to mention the mechanics behind the celebrated necklace) went a little way towards livening up the Dáil proceedings. But all the political action was elsewhere. The likes of a minor row over the scheduling of a debate on the National Marine Spatial Plan or Alan Kelly’s weekly passive-aggressive persecution of the Taoiseach over the vaccine rollout couldn’t compete with the political entertainment on offer across the Border and across the Irish Sea.

The citizenry across the water can follow all their politics sitting in beer gardens and pub terraces nursing a restorative tipple. We can't

And Mary Lou McDonald was uncharacteristically quiet, for some reason definitely not related to a former Sinn Féin councillor once upon a time in her constituency who has just been charged with a particularly notorious gangland murder.

Verona Murphy repeating a charge she made weeks ago about Government “Stalinist” planning policy in Wexford, and Mattie McGrath refusing to apologise for conflating a cancelled taxi-drivers’ protest with “living in a totally totalitarian state” while wondering “Are we going back to Nazi, Hitler time?” were low-grade histrionics.

McGrath has referred several times in the past year to a Covid-19 “scamdemic”. On Wednesday he declared that taxi-drivers have been wiped out by the “condemic”.

Irredeemable liar

No small wonder we were casting envious eyes towards Westminster, with Boris Johnson losing his rag in parliament over a glorious “cash for curtains” controversy while unconvincingly trying to deny he is an irredeemable liar.

All we get are thoughts of organising a sweep to see who can guess to the nearest 100 the number of times Micheál Martin says “in terms of” during the day.

The citizenry across the water can follow all their politics sitting in beer gardens and pub terraces nursing a restorative tipple. We can’t.

They get to savour unfolding political infighting starring a top-level leaker dubbed the “chatty rat”. We get another round of ratty chat in the Dáil.

They get eye-watering interior design tales from Downing Street: a rattan armchair for the prime ministerial posterior coming in at over €6,000 and gold wallpaper costing the guts of €900 a roll. The Taoiseach’s idea of extravagance is having two large boiled eggs and eating the yolks as well as the white.

Although rumours abound of a freshly installed gold-plated lavatory in the Baggot Street bathroom of the new general secretary of the Department of Health. And why not?

Perhaps we are better off with our dull Dáil, unexciting politics and Bulmers approach to lifting the restrictions: nothing added but time

It’s all go in Northern Ireland politics too. While the Dáil day meandered slowly along in the deadening emptiness of the Convention Centre, the closing bars of Goodnight Arlene were playing out in Stormont amid talk of gay conversion therapy and grassroots fundamentalists, a humiliating Boris Brexit blindside and difficulties selling sausages across the Irish Sea.

Arlene Foster’s decision to step down as DUP leader and Northern Ireland’s First Minister presents fascinating leadership possibilities, not least the Apotheosis of Poots.

If bookies’ favourite and the North’s best-known creationist Edwin Poots gets the nod then the DUP will have a leader who believes dinosaurs never existed, which is somewhat ironic.

Perhaps we are better off with our dull Dáil, unexciting politics and Bulmers approach to lifting the restrictions: nothing added but time.

Don’t take our word for it. This is what the hapless Minister for Health said on Wednesday’s Newstalk Breakfast: “The vaccine target is not a race to the 31st of June. If the vaccines continue to come in on target, then four in five adults will be given a vaccine by the end of June. There’s no magic about the 31st of June.”

It could be worse. He could have said the 12th of Never, and that’s a long, long time.