Things are hotting up in the Leinster House jungle.
Enda and Joan are now the two most unpopular residents in camp and fighting for their political lives. But Micheál is happier than he’s been for a long time.
Joe, Ruth, Paul, Richard, Joan, Mick and Clare are busy planning a big party for Wednesday. Lucinda doesn’t know whether she wants a party or not. Shane and Finian are beating their chests like gorillas, and it’s getting on everyone’s wick.
Mattie McGrath dreams of becoming a minister.
Viewers were riveted when Mary Lou ran amok on Wednesday’s show, but they can’t make up their minds whether she was right or wrong.
Yesterday morning a special delivery arrived for the simmering residents of Camp Kildare Street – a copy of The Irish Times with the latest opinion poll results.
There was pandemonium and a rush to the morning radio shows as a mix of panic, fear and jubilation spread among the different groups.
What will happen next?
Make no mistake: it’s all kicking off down at Leinster House in “I’m a Politician, Don’t Kick Me Out of Heeeeere!”
The last number of weeks in the Dáil have been hectic. Even though it mightn’t happen for 18 months, there is an unmistakeable mood of general election in the air.
The finishing post may still be a long way out, but already the political parties, loose alliances of Independents and d’Udders are positioning themselves for the final run-in.
And the poll findings had them sweating up like donkeys.
All eyes were on the Sinn Féin benches before Leaders' Questions. Would Sinn Féin's Mary Lou McDonald leave her seat at the Public Accounts Committee to resume her ongoing joust with Joan Burton?
Since taking over the Labour leadership, the increasingly venomous exchanges between the Tánaiste and McDonald have become a weekly highlight.
Yesterday’s encounter held the promise of extra spice. It was the day after Mary Lou shocked TDs by using Dáil privilege to publicly name retired senior politicians accused of tax evasion by a whistleblower who recently gave a list of allegations to the PAC.
When the committee convened first thing, some of her colleagues had harsh words for her actions.
Fine Gael's John Deasy was not best pleased. "You need to stop here," he tersely told her.
McDonald decided to remain at the meeting, although she often nips out of Thursday morning sessions for her Dáil date with the Tánaiste. It was a good decision for her, and for Sinn Féin.
Border bailiwick
Instead, Joan was up against Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin. Remember him? He used to be the party’s leader in the Dáil until Gerry Adams arrived and took his place.
Caoimhghín wanted to know about a tax issue of interest to farmers, particularly those in his Border bailiwick. And he asked his questions in that slow, verbose, courtly way we had forgotten from Dáils past.
No skin and hair flying here. Deputies began to talk among themselves. Just a mannerly discourse between the two.
But, given the Mary Lou outburst and the party’s disruptive escapades in the Dáil chamber, dull and boring was just what Sinn Féin needed. Perhaps they should consider rehabilitating good old Sleeveen.
And when the Government holds up the SF bogeymen and asks the electorate can they risk taking an electoral chance on the Shinners, voters can tune into Oireachtas report and see a calm, reasonable Ó Caoláin playing by the rules and wonder what all the fuss is about.
Given that Labour managed to land a derisory score of 6 per cent in the opinion poll, Joan remained remarkably chipper. Privately, some of her troops were deeply pessimistic about the party’s future.
But they mustered in the chamber to support her. There wasn’t a Fine Gael senior or junior Minister in sight, and precious few backbenchers either.
Fianna Fáil justice spokesman, Niall Collins, was on duty for his party. His leader, presumably, was out doing cartwheels somewhere on the strength of their showing, which has them neck and neck with the most popular party by a percentage point, Sinn Féin.
Niall went on a law-and- order tack. He told a sorry tale of rising crime levels reported by businesses in Dublin. “Shocking,” he said, speaking of “a dark side to our capital”.
He seemed to be pitching for the support of a worried middle ground, voters who may yet plump for Sinn Féin but might still be wooed by more conservative Fianna Fáil.
Knockback
But he got a bit of a knockback, and a cheer from the Government benches, when Joan said the Government was putting more gardaí on the streets, whereas “you put the shutters on Templemore.”
Independent TD Finian McGrath got involved in the fight. He’s cock-a-hoop over the poll results, which saw the Independents and d’Udders gallop ahead with an impressive 32 per cent.
When the Tánaiste said that figures show a decrease in public order offences in Dublin’s north and south city areas, Finian thumped his chest and roared.
He refused to shut up for the leas Ceann Comhairle, repeating that the Tánaiste was lying. Communities across the northside are being intimidated and she is doing nothing about it.
Joan looked across at Finian as he continued to shout. “You’re not Mary Lou,” she said, in withering response.
Labour's Arthur Spring backed her up, albeit with a rather baffling intervention.
“Where’s your pom-poms?” he asked McGrath.
Mick Wallace asked about the movement of US military airplanes at Shannon Airport. But the few remaining TDs seemed too preoccupied to entertain him.
The socialists, sniffing electoral success, were busy working on Wednesday’s protest march and pondering how best to conduct themselves in the Irish Water debate, due to conclude this evening.
“What happens if we don’t finish at eight?” asked Joe Higgins.
We sense a filibuster coming on.
Meanwhile, Sinn Féin moved a motion of no confidence in the Taoiseach. That’ll come to a climax on Wednesday night, a lovely confluence with the protests at the gates.
The main Government party went quiet yesterday. There is much to worry about, much to plan and a lot of praying to do.
The Minister for Children tried to steady the ship with a touch of profundity after the results knocked his colleagues for six.
Speaking on morning radio to RTÉ’s Sean O’Rourke, James Reilly pronounced on the poll: “A snapshot in time.”
Bingo!
It’s all hotting up, alright.
Who will stay? Who will go? Stay tuned for a lot more instalments of “I’m a Politician, Don’t Kick Me Out of Heeeere!”
