From inauspicious beginnings, the Government marches on to the next 100 days.
Monday, August 15th, marks the start of its second century, not out. And what a marvellous, uplifting beginning it proves to be, not just for Enda Kenny’s minority administration but for the nation as a whole.
On this special day, Winston Churchtown, aka Shane Ross, will be in Rio to give succour and strength to our deflated Olympic warriors. His calming powers are needed after a boxer fails a drug test and some of Ireland’s ticket allocation surfaces on the black market.
Winston, shouldering the hopes and dreams of the ordinary people, announces a mercy dash to Brazil because, as our Minister for Sport, it is his duty “to try and raise the morale of what is a very depleted Irish team”. If he can achieve nothing else, the least he can do is “cheer them up”.
Spirits soar in South America. Members of the Olympic Council of Ireland welcome him with open Armagnacs and resolve to do all they can to live up to their funding and expenses. News of the Minister’s impending arrival spreads like wildfire among the emotional athletes and personal bests and podium places soar.
After the Games, there is an open-top bus parade through Dublin city centre. Cheering crowds throng the streets.
Men doff their caps and women throw flowers. “Gawd bless yer, Lord Ross!” they cry.
But Fine Gael Minister of State Patrick O’Donovan cannot be cheered up. With remarkable prescience, Winston Churchtown tells RTÉ’s Mary Wilson before embarking on his humanitarian mission to Brazil: “My Minister of State . . . went out there looking for a dope-free Olympics, which unfortunately hasn’t occurred”.
New plan
Having outlined his priorities in May for the first 100 days of Government, the Taoiseach, with Micheál Martin’s permission, decides to announce his plan for the next 100.
The main points include:
An Autumn Statement and a Winter Statement followed by statements on the statements with input from all members of the Oireachtas on an agreed basis going forward in line with the new politics. New FEMTI (Football Emergency Measures in the Taoiseach’s Interest) legislation to deliver an All-Ireland senior title for Mayo.
New HEMTI (Hurling Emergency Measures in the (real) Taoiseach’s Interest) legislation to retrofit Cork with the Liam MacCarthy Cup.
The reactivation of Fianna Fáil job reactivation measures for Fianna Fáil.
The establishment of a task force.
The drawing up of an Action Plan.
A reimagining of the National Economic Dialogue.
A five-point forum.
TDs and senators are recalled on August 31st to rush through FEMTI and HEMTI. As Leinster House is closed for essential maintenance, Oireachtas members convene in a hotel in Ballincollig in Co Cork. “Because it’s the handiest, like,” explains Micheál Martin.
The Dáil remains in recess until September 27th to facilitate the installation of new voting and sound systems in the chamber. But there is major controversy in late August when the Ceann Comhairle appears to criticise this hugely expensive electronic project by remarking that the technology involved is “completely state of the arse”. But Seán Ó Fearghaíl is 100 per cent correct. Highly sensitive microphones have been placed around the chamber to pick up every utterance and, in a revolutionary development that looks set to be adopted by parliaments worldwide, they are even embedded in the seat cushions. This means the public will miss nothing, no matter what orifice a TD talks through,” says a spokeswoman for the contractors.
Ugly scenes
There are ugly scenes in the chamber on the first day back when members of Fianna Fáil attempt to annex two politically sensitive areas of territory. Fired up after two days of fighting talk at their pre-season think-in, a number of TDs invade the frontline seats colonised by the Healy-Raes, Mattie McGrath and other members of the Rural Independent Group.
More of them target the small outcrop in the back row occupied by Clare Daly and Mick Wallace of Independents 4 Not Changing Seats.
FF deputies, led by the formidable Margaret Murphy O’Mahony, enter the chamber before proceedings begin and take up position in the disputed zones.
Violence erupts between the factions and ushers are forced to intervene. Following a tense stand-off, the Fianna Fáil backbenchers reluctantly undertake to abide by the agreement negotiated over the summer and make a dignified retreat.
Baby Powers
Pre-budget manoeuvring continues in advance of the October budget. Ruth Coppinger and Richard Boyd Barrett call for a €10 a week increase in the old age pension and a free hot water bottle for all OAPs. Gerry Adams responds immediately by calling for a similar increase.
Adams says Sinn Féin representatives will not be paying public transport charges as a gesture of solidarity with pensioners. This puts pressure on Fianna Fáil spokesman Willie O’Dea, who in turn presses Minister for Social Protection Leo Varadkar to hike up the pension by €15 and put bottles of baby Powers on the medical card.
According to online “news”, the Oireachtas “goes viral” after a woman takes a photo of a muffin she purchased in the Dáil canteen and posts it online.
“I was visiting Leinster House with my late husband’s Mens’ Shed group and we went to the restaurant for a bite to eat,” she tells reporters.
“I said to Noel [Grealish, Independent TD for Galway who’s a great man for bringing in constituents] ‘Take a look at this bun, Noel. I can see the face of Our Lord looking out of the blueberries at me.’ It was clear as day. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Noel told me to take a snap for his constituency newsletter, so that’s what I did. Then I put it up on the Facebook.”
She put the muffin up for sale on eBay and bids came pouring in from around the world. The Archbishop of Dublin felt obliged to intervene. “I have examined the bun. The resemblance is startling, but it is not Jesus. Having consulted the relevant authorities in Leinster House, I can confirm that it is the face of Mick Wallace,” said Diarmuid Martin.
“However, I think it is a sign from God. Deputy Wallace regularly visits Italy and speaks very highly of the country. I see this as a divine vindication of my decision to divert Dublin’s seminarians from Maynooth to Rome.”
The archbishop’s ruling rendered the Wallace muffin worthless.
Deputy Claire Daly stepped in and bought it.
Meanwhile, transport is in chaos as Winston Churchtown attempts to deal with “the omnibus strike”.
As Minister for Transport, he says it is his duty to raise the morale of passengers and undertakes a photographic blitz, helping old ladies into army lorries and cycling his penny farthing along the Stillorgan dual carriageway.
There are tense exchanges in the Dáil in the run-up to and the aftermath of the budget. The Government teeters on the brink as independent ministers wrestle with their consciences and Fianna Fáil wrestles with its focus group findings.
The Taoiseach finds it increasingly difficult to cope with the demands from both groups while keeping his more disgruntled troops on side. But he staves off collapse.
Project
In November, at the launch of “NPP 2026”, leadership hopefuls Simon Coveney and Leo Varadkar sit at the top table and watch each other from either side of Enda. The National Plan for Planning is the Government’s blueprint for plan planning over the next decade. It includes proposals for a body to oversee implementation bodies and a dedicated project projection unit for project-led projects in the health and housing sector.
A full-time working body, under the chairmanship of Joe O’Toole, will oversee the generation of working titles.
And on November 22nd, Enda Kenny, with the kind indulgence of Micheál Martin, holds a national street party to mark the 200th day of his Government.
The Taoiseach promises he is coming near the end of his national conversation with the Irish people.
But in an uncertain post-Brexit climate, with talk of Mairead McGuinness replacing Germany’s Martin Schulz as president of the European Parliament and with Enda himself being so well got with his peers in Europe, the clamour for his departure dies down somewhat. He’ll hang up on that conversation, but maybe not just yet.
“Bye” begins Enda. “Bye, bye, bye, b-b-b-b-b-bye, bye, bye . . .”
It could take a while.
