In the sporting event of the political year so far, the prima donnas of Athletico Kildare Street, featuring the combined talents of Dynamo Dáil and Spartak Seanad, were pecked to death on Tuesday night by a convocation of legal eagles.
Suffering badly in the equatorial heat of Dublin 7, the TDs and Senators were beaten off the pitch by a group of people who wear wigs and gowns in work.
It was the hottest day of the year, but the referee, kindly rustled up by the barristers at very short notice, wore a suit while officiating.
However, he sought and was granted permission to remove his jacket.
It came as no surprise when the match was delayed because the politicians were unable to produce a quorum, so four players were supplied on loan from the lawyers.
Even so, the Oireachtas was a man down for the first half. The Bar Council lads took full advantage and led 3-0 at half-time.
Complete disaster was averted with the late arrival of the Green Party leader, who brought the squad up to full strength.
Having cycled furiously to the match venue at the new Grangegorman campus, centre-half Eamon Ryan got straight into the action and steadied the ship.
He said afterwards he hadn’t played football for 25 years. “He must have been brilliant in his day,” said one teammate.
Due to the lack of bodies, Fine Gael Senator Frankie Feighan had to assume the role of player-manager.
Despite fears that he might be “carrying a leg”, Feighan performed well, playing wide on the right.
And there were howls of protest when the pinstriped ref turned down a penalty claim after the Senator was bundled over in the box. By his own feet, admittedly.
Apart from his fondness for taking speculative shots from 30 yards out, Fianna Fáil’s Jim O’Callaghan was a revelation at centre forward.
“Serious touch for a big man,” apparently. There was impressive running off the ball by FG deputy Tom Neville and Senator Neale Richmond. Honours were even in the second half at 1-1, bringing the final score to 4-1.
This was immediately spun by Locomotiv Leinster House as a moral victory. Their only goal came when Fine Gael TD Alan Farrell floated a pass to Will Reidy, one of the borrowed barristers, whose shot on target was fumbled by the goalkeeper.
In the ensuing goalmouth scramble, somebody toe-poked the ball into the back of the net and Labour Senator Aodhán Ó Ríordáin immediately wheeled away in celebration, jumping into the arms of Fine Gael TD Brendan Griffin. Griffin tried to hoist Ó Ríordáin aloft, but dropped him, for fear of collapsing under the strain.
In mitigation, the politicians blamed the weather. “We had no substitutes and our jerseys, supplied by the FAI, were made of a heat-retaining black fabric. Sure we were nearly boiled alive. Under difficult circumstances, it was actually a very good result for us.”
A debate has now erupted over who actually scored the goal. Dave Griffin, one of the borrowed barristers, quietly remarked at the after-match refreshments in the Bar Council’s Distillery Building that he, in fact, got the vital last touch on the ball.
“There is no doubt in my mind that Aodhán scored, even though there was a lot going on around the goal line,” insisted player-manager Feighan. Legal proceedings are not expected.
Dáil’s out for summer as TDs paint two towns red
It was all sweetness and light in Fine Gael on Wednesday night as the parliamentary party enjoyed a get-together to mark the end of term.
Taoiseach Enda Kenny joined his troops – even the revolting ones – in the upmarket 37 Dawson Street bar, across the road from the Mansion House.
They were billeted on the upper level, with a view down to the customers below.
As the night progressed (it’s a well-known late-night bar in the city), those patrons included a number of Sinn Féin TDs and Senators who were out on their summer bash.
It will come as no surprise to the Shinners that the Fine Gaelers were looking down on them. That would be seen as a badge of honour.
Meanwhile, Fianna Fáil decamped to an old favourite from their days in power. The function room on the second floor in Doheny and Nesbitts was jammed with TDs, Senators and staff.
It’s been a good start to the year for Micheál Martin and his revitalised parliamentary party. The mood was good over the drinks and nibbles.
While the various functions were well under way in the vicinity of Leinster House, Dáil business crawled on.
No vote had been expected, but Mick Barry of the AAA called a vote on the Bill to establish a “mini-CAB” to target the assets of lower-level criminals.
This resulted in an unmerciful dash back to the Dáil from the two hostelries on Dawson Street and Merrion Row.
The puffing TDs arrived back in a lather of sweat, only to find that Barry was unable to produce a second teller to oversee the vote as his AAA colleagues were also elsewhere. The vote didn’t take place.
As the night wore on, one or two of the Fianna Fáilers pitched up in 37 Dawson Street, but downstairs with the hoi polloi.
In the early hours, a few gluttons for punishment from the two main parties ended up in Copper Face Jacks, full to the gills with the spirit of partnership and the new politics.
Meanwhile, on a more civilised note, most of Fine Gael’s female TDs and Senators enjoyed a meal together in the Members Restaurant before heading to the hooley. They were joined by Michael Noonan and new TD for Co Limerick, Tom Neville.
Neville is seen as something of a dandy by his colleagues because of his collection of natty suits. He was wearing his maroon three-piece on Wednesday night and wasn’t best pleased when Kate O’Connell spilled a glass of wine all over it.
The Independent Alliance arm of Government held its end-of-term session much earlier, sneaking off to Galway last Friday night.
Their excuse was the opening of Sean Canney’s office in Tuam.
Afterwards Shane Ross et al repaired to a local watering hole, where they were joined by MEP Marian Harkin.
We hear the Independents “rocked” until 3am. Ross, aka Winston Churchtown, was a big hit with the locals, while Finian McGrath and Boxer Moran were spotted line-dancing. An aghast observer said it was “mortifying.”
Melania Trump moment for Dublin's inner city as FF parrots ex-Labour TD
Former Labour TD for Dublin Central Joe Costello opened his Irish Times on Thursday morning with particular interest. He wanted to read our coverage of the Taoiseach’s big visit to Dublin’s north inner city.
When he got to the end of Sarah Bardon’s report, he was more than interested. He was intrigued. But not surprised. Joe found himself in the middle of a Melania Trump moment.
(Mrs Trump got into hot water during the week for lifting chunks of a speech made by Michelle Obama a few years ago. Costello’s experience unfolded in a matter of hours.)
An hour or so in advance of Enda’s late afternoon visit to Sheriff Street on Tuesday, Joe, who is Labour party spokesman on urban regeneration, issued a statement welcoming the Taoiseach’s plan to tackle drug crime in the area.
He focused on four main points: the effects of long-term neglect on the community have to be considered; the task force “should have a short- and long-term agenda with fixed targets to ensure that targets are met”; it “should be supported by all the major political parties in the Dáil”; and “should be acceptable to the many local communities and residents’ associations in the north inner city” with this two-way process “essential for the duration of the plan”.
At teatime, shortly after the Taoiseach’s visit and announcement, Fianna Fáil’s justice spokesman, Jim O’Callaghan, also issued a statement welcoming the initiative.
He began by noting the area “has experienced serious neglect”. After stressing the importance of putting beefed-up armed garda support in place, he stated “a short- and long-term agenda with fixed targets must be clearly set out in advance to ensure that they are met”.
Of course, it is imperative the Task Force “is supported by all the major political parties in the Dáil”.
And continued engagement with “local communities, organisations and residents’ organisations in the area is essential”.
It was probably just coincidence, but Costello couldn’t get away from the O’Callaghan quote in The Irish Times: “The task force should be given a timespan of approximately 10 years. It should have a short- and long-term agenda with fixed targets.
“It should report directly to the Taoiseach and to the relevant Joint Oireachtas Committee to ensure that targets are met and commitments are honoured.”
Looking at the similarity between the two statements, it looks like Joe is Michelle Obama to Jim’s Melania Trump. Labour has decided that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery: “We are delighted that Fianna Fáil are finally seeing the light and becoming enthusiastic about Labour’s stated policy.”
