SKETCH:HAVE YOU heard about the fabulous new Special K diet? Get an extra sausage on a Sunday and your country could gain billions.
According to our Berlin correspondent, the Germans have a phrase to describe a special deal: they call it “an extra sausage”. Enda Kenny appears to have landed one at the weekend.
And in the nick of time, too.
After a very disappointing end to the latest European summit, when it seemed Germany had shut the door on Ireland’s hope of debt forgiveness, the Taoiseach retrieved the situation with a phone call to Chancellor Merkel, who promptly elevated Ireland to “special case” status.
Special K was rather hoping his little success might be acknowledged at Leaders’ Questions yesterday. But the Fianna Fáil leader completely ignored it. Instead, Micheál Martin chose to talk about “the rift”. This immediately ruled out the important telephone conversation between Enda and Angela. Such is the cordial nature of their relationship, she had promised him that vital extra sausage by their end of their chat on Sunday evening.
No rift between Mayo and Mecklenburg-Vorpommern, that’s for sure.
In the eyes of the German chancellor, Enda Kenny is not the wurst.
He is her Special K.
Which can only be a good thing.
Naturally, Enda was a little annoyed by Micheál Martin’s lack of grace when it came to recognising his heroic retrieval of lost ground. Particularly as Micheál had wasted no time in lambasting him for a dismal performance in Brussels, when it looked like there would be no prospect of a deal on Ireland ’s crippling legacy debt.
So when Micheál raised the topic of a Cabinet rift over the choice of location for the new children’s hospital, you could see the Taoiseach was slightly miffed.
Credit where credit is due, and all that. Although the Fianna Fáil leader’s aversion to extending some might be because his party lost the run of itself with the nation’s money during the boom years.
This so-called rift doesn’t seem to be causing any anxiety in the Coalition. It suits the Tánaiste for the story to get about that he is double-checking the suitability of the possible sites for the hospital and making sure that James Reilly and the rest of the Fine Gaelers don’t pull any strokes when it comes to the final choice.
At a photocall yesterday afternoon to launch Labour’s campaign video on the children’s referendum, the only item on the journalists’ agenda was whether Eamon Gilmore trusted the Minister for Health, seeing as he was keeping tabs on him.
There was neither a breakdown of trust nor a rift, insisted the Tánaiste. He was merely briefing himself on the major issues, as would be expected.
In the background, his handlers didn’t bear the worried look of people who fear a Coalition crisis looming. If anything, they looked quite happy.
There’s nothing wrong with sending a message to the grassroots – particularly if they’re feeling unhappy – that their leader is taking no guff from the senior party.
Over in the Dáil, Enda Kenny – the Special K – didn’t even bother to address the question of a rift, or whether his Tánaiste is pursuing his own line of inquiry over the most suitable hospital locations.
“I thought you’d be asking another question today,” the Taoiseach huffily replied, mumbling that Micheál wasn’t racing out of the traps in the way he did at the weekend.
Gerry Adams congratulated him for his achievement on Sunday. Enda looked on, expressionless. The very picture of modesty.
But when the Sinn Féin leader mentioned the German chancellor and French president in the same sentence, Enda couldn’t help himself. He extended his neck, looked around the chamber and up towards the press gallery.
Enda. Special K.
And to think people had mocked him when he spoke back in June of a “seismic shift” in European policy on Irish debt.
“It WAS a seismic shift,” he declared.
His pal Angela didn’t disagree when they spoke on Sunday. He was happy that they both recognised “the unique circumstances of Ireland’s position”. That we are the “special” ones.
As Opposition deputies sneered about our special status as a special nation, Shane Ross also offered his congratulations to Enda. It would be “churlish” not to.
“Tell your buddies that in the Sunday Independent,” snorted Labour’s Emmet Stagg.
However, this was just part of a wider process. There had to be more than a diplomatic assault. He told the Taoiseach he had to convince Merkel that “behind this velvet glove, is an iron fist”. For some reason, nearly everyone in the chamber thought that was very funny.
He hoped that Enda took the opportunity during the phone call “of chewing the ear off the German chancellor”.
That provoked a loud groan from some deputies, who didn’t like the picture that Shane was painting.
Fianna Fáil, in particular, wasn’t in the mood to cut Special K any slack for doing so well on Sunday. The fact that the Taoiseach got the extra sausage of a special deal seemed to rankle.
Barry Cowen dismissed Enda and his achievement in one ungracious line: “He’s special – like Barney.”