Mary Lou McDonald was treating Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil to a lecture.

She’s very good at that.

They don’t like it when she does it.

“We should behave in accordance with how we were elected”, Sinn Féin’s deputy leader boomed at them. “And the majority of deputies elected to the Dáil were elected on the basis of the abolition of water charges. That’s it. That’s a statement of fact.”

It’s not, actually.

But makey-uppey facts are all the rage these days, thanks to Trump.

On the post-truth thing, when you think about it, Bertie Ahern was a taoiseach before his time.

Aaaah, Bertie.

Wouldn’t you miss him all the same?

Anyway, Mary Lou was having a field day, luxuriating in the rich asses-milk of vindication while scowling TDs on the confidence and supply sides of the house worried over water again.

She was delighted with the report from the expert commission on water charges, which said people shouldn’t have to pay for their normal “domestic and personal” needs.

No need for a commission or some elaborate process to understand this reality. “That is what the majority of people, including this crowd here in Fianna Fáil, were elected to do,” she dripped, extending her arm in the direction of the aforementioned Soldiers of Destiny.

An indignant male voice rose from the Fianna Fáil pack.

“We’re not a crowd!”

With the Taoiseach away on a skite to San Francisco and New York, Minister for Education Richard Bruton took Leaders’ Questions.

Not to be outdone, Mary Lou stood in for Gerry Adams, who was also in the Americas (condoling with the Cubans on the death of his friend “Fidel”.)

“It’s nonsense to suggest that people were elected on any one issue. People were elected because of concerns across a whole range of issues” said the mild-mannered Bruton. Right enough, in RTÉ’s election exit poll, just 8 per cent of people said water charges was their number one issue.

But that doesn’t matter now.

Water torture

The water torture is as bad for Fianna Fáil as it is for Fine Gael. Micheál Martin ignored the commission story at Leaders’ Questions, even though his party is supposed to be anti-water charges too. In reality, the party is looking for the path of least resistance when it comes to pleasing voters, and isn’t too sure which way that lies.

So Micheál cleared the water with not a hoof breaking the surface. That was the least of his problems, as it transpired.

The anti-water campaigners were having a wonderful day.

On top of their claimed vindication came the tantalising news that Ahern was being lined up for an emotional return to his beloved Fianna Fáil.

They were beside themselves. Micheál Martin looked very glum.

Richard Boyd-Barrett of People Before Profit wondered why Fianna Fáil didn’t seem to understand that voters didn’t want water charges introduced by the back door, bundling them in with the existing property tax.

Boyd-Barrett, unable to resist a grin, glanced at the Fianna Fáil leader and mused “I don’t know if Bertie Ahern suggested that idea to you, but if he did, you’d want to think very seriously about rehabilitating Mr Ahern.”

Deputies on all sides laughed. Micheál managed a brief, thin smile.

Because water wasn’t the big talking point yesterday. It was the hilarious news that Ahern’s Dublin Central cumann is inviting him to rejoin the party.

Pensioners’ choice

It seems that, in the course of general chit-chat at their meeting on Tuesday night, two “pensioners in their 80s” (such delicious detail), overcome with nostalgia for the rare aul times, suggested it was time to bring Ahern back to the fold.

De Prodigal Bert.

He’s fond of a fatted calf, as his Mahon tribunal showed.

But he can never remember eating one.

Bríd Smith of the Anti-Austerity Alliance was eager to join the fun. She developed a sudden concern for the Planning and Development (Amendment) Bill 2016, which just happens to do with the findings of the Mahon tribunal.

“In recommendation No 9, Mahon recommends that there is a requirement to identify relevant political donations when making planning applications” she began, to smirks all round. “This is a very urgent issue.”

She noted with “very grave trepidation that we may see the return of Bertie Ahern” and maybe Ray Burke and possibly even Pee Flynn. “We need to quickly shore up legislation to ensure... that we have the relevant legislation in place which will curtail the brown-envelope brigade.”

This was too much for Fianna Fáil newcomer, Shane Cassells. “Bertie Ahern brought peace to this country. You might remember that.”

Planning process

Smith said she merely wanted Mahon’s recommendation on political donations and the planning process acted upon as soon as possible.

“We are talking about a former taoiseach,” bleated young Cassells.

“I’m very anxious. I’m just expressing my anxiety,” sighed Smith.

They were very anxious in Fianna Fáil too. Wondering what Bertie is playing at. Why the move to get back into the party now? Does he dislike Micheál Martin that much?

We hear Micheál was innocently approached by one of his TDs yesterday, who cracked a joke about the return of the Bert.

“Don’t even go there!” he snapped.

Who knows, Bertie Ahern could make a triumphant return.

Look at Donald Trump’s victory. Tremendously successful businessman, even if he did go bankrupt several times.

Bertie Ahern, Tremendously successful politician. Only bankrupted the country once.

Anything can happen in politics these days.