The Last Straw Frank McNallyI see the company responsible for Dublin's car clamping service has denied any link between its reduced pre-tax profits and a fall in the number of vehicles clamped. A spokeswoman blamed the "perceived drop in profits" on new clamping contracts in Cork and Galway, and the "up-front investment" these required. The explanation was supported by Dublin City Council, which said it pays the company a flat fee for its services, not commission.
But am I missing something here? Surely the aim of the clamping company should be not merely to reduce its profits over time but, in the long run, to eliminate them altogether? That at least must be the aim of the city council, which we all know does not fine motorists just to raise money. The whole point of clamping is to transform public behaviour until we have Scandinavian levels of abidance with parking law. At which time it will be unnecessary, indeed irresponsible, of the council to continue paying fees merely to have clamper vans criss-cross the city, adding to traffic, as they search in vain for an illegally parked car.
Maybe this is naïve. But at any rate, the stigma that the business community normally attaches to a drop in profits, or even a "perceived drop", should not apply here. There's no need for the clampers to be apologising.
As it is, whenever I have to deal with the company, I find its businesslike attitude disconcerting. When you commit a parking transgression, the least you expect is a short lecture from the authorities, and maybe even some mild sarcasm, of the kind you get from a garda before he writes your ticket. "Would you explain to me what you thought you were doing there, when you drove the wrong way up a dual carriageway?" the garda will ask, before extracting some sort of pledge - however insincere - not to repeat the offence. By contrast, the clampers' morally-neutral "How do you want to pay for that?" approach is a disappointment.
Despite this, the regime has transformed public behaviour. We're all more careful now about where and how we park. The clampers' job has also been made harder by the fact that some radio stations have taken to broadcasting reports of their whereabouts, while Dublin's "peaked-cap" parking attendants have extended their consultancy service to include clamp-related advice. The clampers no longer have surprise on their side. And if the number of victims is not yet falling dramatically, it's surely just a matter of time.
The clampers may have delayed their demise by adopting guerilla techniques, launching raids into unsuspecting suburbs, where double-yellow lines are still regarded as meaningless street decorations. The figures have also probably been bolstered by occasional windfalls, such as Fermanagh GAA supporters visiting Dublin for the first time. But this is a small country, and sooner or later the word will reach everyone. Then the only way clampers will be able to maintain numbers will be by visiting residential areas at night and painting yellow lines under cars.
After that, the company will have to diversify to survive. Clamper vans may carry a range of motoring accessories, with staff pitching products to you as they free your car. "If you don't mind me saying so, sir, your hubcaps are in a terrible state.
"Would you ever consider a new set? We have these ones on special offer this month. And if you buy now, you'll get 50 per cent off your next fine." Drivers who've paid fines face up to an hour's wait for de-clamping, as we know, and during that time they form a captive market for mobile phone-based services. The clampers could offer a premium line advising on the exact whereabouts of the nearest van, and its estimated time of arrival. For an extra €9.99, you could ring the driver and get him to skip those three cars in Kimmage and put you top of the queue instead. Who knows, if things get really desperate the company could resort to clamping the private cars parked three-deep outside Garda stations. But even this will be just delaying the inevitable. With ever-rising levels of parking compliance, the city council will sooner or later have to suspend funding.
Eventually, the clamping company will have to call a sad, yet - paradoxically - triumphant press conference. A spokeswoman will proudly announce that the "perceived drop" in profits is entirely real, and explained in part by the public's "up-front investment" in parking meters; paying for the full three hours at a time, even on bank holiday Mondays when they're not sure whether they have to pay at all. The spokeswoman will then open a bottle of champagne before cheerfully declaring the company bankrupt, a victim of its own success.