If your children are squabbling within earshot, sit tight, don't take sides - and don't punch anyone who tells you it's normal, writes Kate Holmquist
Take two or more bored kids, add rain and a parent who's running out of patience. It's only mid-July and already even the most saintly parent can be forgiven for fantasising about life in a child-free state.
Because there are times when the metaphor of cats and dogs doesn't begin to describe the sibling fighting, never mind the rain.
Kids fight. They always have and always will. Only the strongest survived back in the cave-times and this means our kids are still hard-wired to strip the best meat off the fresh kills (fortunately, in 2007, we can translate "meat" as which TV channel to watch or who gets the first go on the PlayStation.) If, in a moment of desperation, you happen to start web-searching for advice, the first thing you'll find is that sibling fighting is "natural".
Natural doesn't make it bearable (just think of the weather). As I write, I am in the process of ignoring a major argument. Any moment now, someone is going to shout at me, "you don't care". Oh yes, I do care. I've got my iPod plugged in full-blast, I care so much. I just don't care to get involved in another argument, thank you.
Before anyone starts ringing Childline, this oblivious state of refusing to acknowledge the mayhem makes me a good parent, however difficult my children find this to believe. Because the sagest advice about dealing with siblings fighting is: ignore it. Let them sort it out. This is an art that takes years to learn. Kids hate to be ignored. In the Stage One fight, bickering and a thrown object or two are easy to overlook. In the Stage Two fight, the parent may be presented with hard evidence, such as incipient bruising, theatrical (fake) limping and even blood. Once the kids start with the red stuff, you - as parent - are extremely vulnerable to messing up all the good work you did ignoring Stage One. Think and count to 10 before you go racing for the plasters and Savlon.
They're very clever, kids, and the smaller ones know that goading the older ones into harming them will ensure that they win the fight. The smaller child is not necessarily more vulnerable - especially if the tot knows in advance that one freaked-out look from Mummy and older brother or sister will be sent to their room.
Even if there's blood (usually an amount so small you'd need a microscope to see it), kids in the midst of a fight still need equal treatment. Otherwise, you set up a situation where there are victims and bullies and, once branded as such, your kids will have you paying for it for the next 20 years. By all means, administer the Savlon and plaster to the injured child, but equally administer love and hugs to the child with the hurt feelings. (If the additional aid of a sticking plaster on an imaginary wound helps, then why not?) Likewise, never blame one of the children for the fight if you didn't see it.
Younger children are incredibly savvy about playing up their victim status. Even an 18-month-old will cry to kingdom come when the three-year-old takes a toy that the 18-month-old threw away two minutes earlier. And while some older children are proper little Mammies and Daddies with their younger siblings, this can also cause major resentment, as in, "Why did he/she have to be born? Why can't I be an only child?" At various stages, all three of my children have expressed that hope that they were actually adopted and perhaps there's a better family waiting to have them back and treat them like royalty. Hard luck, kids, you're stuck with us.
Child psychologists always give the same advice about sibling rivalry: give your kids positive reinforcement for co-operating, rather than intervening when they fight. I've tried this. The response usually is: "Mom, are you okay?" The other oft-quoted technique is to talk to your kids about co-operation and how to resolve arguments when the kids are not fighting. I've tried this too. The response usually is: "Wha'?" Parents who fight a lot tend to have kids who fight. That's the other nugget of conventional psychological wisdom. It may be partly true, but maybe the parents are fighting because they're so stressed out from dealing with their kids. "You sort it out." Answered by: "I've been dealing with it all day. You sort it out." I refer you to step one. Don't sort it out. Go up to the bedroom, close the door and have some couple-time. Or watch a movie together and tell the kids not to interrupt.
Nothing stops fighting like two parents bonded in their refusal to acknowledge kids fighting. All of us get into the dynamic of one kid running to Daddy to complain while the other runs to Mammy so that by the time Daddy and Mammy get together they're arguing over two different versions of the story and, very possibly, making subtle criticisms of each others' parenting skills. The kids love this - they're little sponges and don't you worry, they're storing it all up in those mega-computers they call brains so they can have their own dysfunctional relationships when they get older.
A mother I know with several kids has come up with an ingenious solution. She keeps a little black diary. Each time a child complains of a transgression by a sibling, the mother notes it down. It's her version of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. At the end of the day, the kids know they can inspect the book. The thing is, the kids never bother because by the end of the day, the crimes are usually equal. By the end of the week, there are no goodies and baddies and she still has her little black book to look back on in years to come. Don't tell anyone, but she's planning to read out excerpts at her kids' weddings.
