In the spirit of the season, I offer you a selection of puzzles, jokes and quotations. They may be something useful to do while digesting turkey and Christmas pudding.
Question 1
Arrange these eight lines to form three squares of the same size; the short lines are half the length of the long lines:
____________ ______ ____________ ______ ____________ ______ ____________ ______
Question 2
Insert the missing numbers:
7, 13, 24, 45,
4, 5, 7, 11, 19,
Question 3
A barge with a man and a load of scrap iron is floating in a large swimming pool. If the man throws the scrap iron into the water, what will happen to the water level at the side of the swimming pool?
4
Legislation requires products to carry hazard warnings, but the warnings need to be expanded in line with findings in modern physics:
Warning: Warps space and time in vicinity.
Attention: 99.999999999 per cent empty space.
With Care: Contains tiny electrical particles moving in excess of 500 million miles per hour.
Please note: When you are not observing this product it may cease to exist, or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
5
Some important but rarely quoted laws:
Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
The golden rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Gordon's first law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing it well.
Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Hight's law of inverse gravitation: Wealth flows uphill and pools at the top.
Sausage principle: Those who love sausages and respect the law should never watch either being made.
Weiler's law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.
6
Einstein in Heaven
Einstein died and went to heaven, but his room was not ready. He was led to a waiting room while they prepared his room. Several people were already waiting, and they were introduced to Einstein. "This is John. He has an IQ of 180." "Great," said Einstein. "We'll discuss literature." "This is Michael. He has an IQ of 150." "Splendid," said Einstein. "We'll discuss mathematics." "This is James. He has an IQ of 100." "Lovely," said Einstein. "We'll discuss theatre." "This is Patrick. He has an IQ of 80." Einstein smiled and said: "So, how are interest rates moving?"
7
Scientists and management
A man flying a hot air balloon got lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man on the ground. "Can you tell me where I am?" he shouted. "You are in a balloon, about 30 feet above ground," said the man on the ground. "You must be a scientist," said the balloonist. "I am. How did you know?" said the man below. "Everything you told me is correct but of no use to anyone," said the balloonist. "You must be in management," said the man on the ground. "I am," said the balloonist, "how did you know?" "You don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to help. You're in the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault!" said the man on the ground.
8
Scientists and money
Thesis: Scientists will never make as much money as executives. A rigorous mathematical proof explains why this is true.
Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.
Postulate 2: Time is money.
Proof: As every scientist knows, Work/time = power. As knowledge = power, and time = money, we have work/money = knowledge. Solving for money, we get work/knowledge = money. Thus, as knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more money you make.
9
Three statisticians went deer-hunting. Soon they spotted a deer. The first statistician aimed and fired. His shot flew a foot to the left of the deer. The second statistician fired. His shot went a foot to the right of the deer. "We got him," shouted the third statistician.
10
All those in favour of psychokinesis raise my hand.
11
Jesus said to his disciples: "The kingdom of heaven is like 3x(to the power of 2) + 8x - 9". The disciples were puzzled and asked Peter: "What does Jesus mean?" "Don't worry, it's just another one of his parabolas," said Peter.
12
Quotations
"In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded." - Anon
"Why, if heat rises, are mountain tops so damn cold?" - Anon
"Biology grows on you." - Anon
"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." - Anon
"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." - the Nobel-winning physicist Wolfgang Pauli on a poor paper submitted by a colleague
"The faster you go, the shorter you are." - Albert Einstein
"Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think." - the Nobel-winning physicist Niels Bohr
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison
Best wishes to all for a happy and peaceful Christmas.
William Reville is a senior lecturer in biochemistry and director of microscopy at UCC
Quiz Answers
Question 2: 86, 35
Question 3: The floating iron displaced water equal to its weight - about five times its volume. When in the water it will displace only its volume. The water level at the side of the swimming pool will therefore go down slightly.