The Taoiseach would understand. You're squelching through a sea of sh**e, and hey, you get a dig-out. Your luck is in. Not one, but six diggers all come along at the one time.
Dancing diggers, no less, choreographed to perfection, weaving and feinting, ducking and diving, emitting sparks and great clouds of coloured smoke, programmed to say nothing, driven by geniuses, and all to the soundtrack of Run Like Hell (Pink Floyd).
Yes, sir, JCBs are the hit of the National Ploughing Championships.
Then again, the digger scenario may be a tad stark for the Taoiseach and the Tánaiste , who plan to drop in on the ploughing within an hour of each other this morning. Take our advice, lads. Watch the photographers. Steer clear of the "slurry lagoon" exhibit at all costs. Take a sharp left at the thigh-slappers. Don't look.
The thigh-slappers are heartily recommended to everyone else though. Three farmers and two electricians from the Austrian Tyrol in heartstopping little lederhosen, huge belts and cow bells bursting with innocent energy and slapping their thighs till they hurt.
Enda Kenny and Pat Rabbitte were almost thigh-slapping themselves when they pitched up yesterday afternoon. Enda perambulated like a boy band star, swamped by young ones in yellow Enda No 1 T-shirts and big men prepared to shove their grannies under a Pajero for a handshake. Pat, in cute fleecy boots, wondered solicitously if Bertie - who was explaining again, all the way from Ballyjamesduff this time - was up there looking for Paddy Reilly. (You need to know your diggers AND your Percy French to get that one).
The two leaders wondered into the Macra tent where poor Gerry Daly, taking questions about "good, well-trained shrubs", was knocked right off his stride. Kenny and Rabbitte did the ritual handshake and despite hefty nudges, just refused to call for resignations. A sense of strategy-in-action (easy, lads, easy, in case we alienate the odd Bertie sympathiser) was keeping a tight rein on tongues.
So, was Pat sympathetic to Bertie's plight? The rein slipped. "There's enough emoting going on without me going in on it," he replied a tad sharply.
For the sake of balance, we had a look in the Sinn Féin tent, where 18-year-old Peadar de Bluit, chairman of Ogra Shinn Féin in Kilkenny and Carlow, was handing out badges promoting unity and Martin Ferris was in command.
So did he think Bertie was in big trouble? Hmmm. "There's far more important issues, such as the disgraceful state of the health service which needs to be addressed urgently". And then almost an afterthought : "And outstanding issues which the Taoiseach needs to address".
As always, the SF merchandise gave pause for thought : "Tiochfaigh ar la", "I still hate Thatcher", "Remember the Hunger Strikers" in a selection of T-shirts and buttons.
The mud, deep and gluey, generated such a demand for Wellingtons that the Welly4u stand ran out of size 40s and The Irish Times ended up in a pair emblazoned with pink and red handbags, costing €50. There was still a chance of being buried, though, under a sea of flyers,trying to flog property abroad, most of it in Turkey apparently.
The Investment Property Exhibition - one of the biggest in all Tullow - boasted at least 50 exhibitors, and no shortage of browsers or fabulous promises.
