Comedian Kevin Gildea is just back from 2007 and, in a world exclusive, he reveals what will really happen in the arts world this year
Classical Music
The big news in the world of classical music will be the establishment of a new Irish orchestra: The National Government Orchestra. It will be run by a new government department - the Department of The Orchestra. The orchestra will initially be based in Dublin but, following decentralisation, will subsequently be based in Dublin. The Government will issue a statement saying: "A conductor has yet to be appointed but we are currently looking for somebody who has little or no knowledge of classical music." Another innovation will be the replacement of the traditional baton with a piece of liquorice - the floppiness of which will produce a pleasing lack of direction or control. The National Government Orchestra will specialise in unfinished symphonies and ticket prices will range from €30 to €50, although they will actually end up costing twice as much on the night.
Ballet
The world of ballet will be revolutionised with the introduction of shoes with giant springs on them.
Film
The big film event of 2006 will be the long awaited remake of King Kong. Yes - the classic 2005 film version will finally be brought up to date. The best thing about the film is that it is a return to form for Woody Allen. He moves the story from America to London because that's what he likes to do at the moment. Woody's Kong is an ageing ape whose attempts at climbing Big Ben are so poignant you'll be eating double-salted popcorn as the tears fill your corn carton; however, they also result in top quality slapstick as the gorilla falls from Big Ben and then stands to dust himself off only to slip on a giant banana skin! Classic Woody! There is a happy ending in Woody's film when the getting-on-a-bit gorilla gets the girl. Scarlett Johansson plays a very young blonde who is over 50 feet tall. This is Allen's meisterstroke: to make the woman as big as Kong. The final scene in an enormous kitchen is the greatest domestic argument committed to screen.
Art
The art event of the coming year will be the new work from that guy who dismantled a shed, turned it into a boat, sailed in it, then reconstructed it back into a shed. In his new work he takes a shed full of tools, dismantles it and then rebuilds it as an empty shed. For the following six weeks he pops in and out checking to see if there's anything there. Then he rebuilds the shed as a shed full of tools. An excited critic will say the work "explores the arbitrary functionality of everyday objects and, by endowing the object with a biography, raises it to the level of an object d'art". Another critic will ask: "Why didn't he just empty the shed?" This latter question inspires the artist's next piece titled: Why?
Painting
A new painting talent will burst on to the scene. Tom Mixton will unveil his masterwork, Cat on a Chair (Where?)" Mixton will say of his work: "It explores the way the text creates the work by instructing the viewer to see images and forms that are not there." One critic will gush: "Cat on a Chair (Where?) plays with the boundary between the 'abstract' and the 'figurative'; Tom Mixton paints what may be certain objects yet, equally, may not." Another critic will de-gush: "He can't paint."
Pop music
Madonna will return after a five-minute absence. The Mother of Reinvention will do it again! This time she will re-invent herself as a 49-year-old married mother with kids and a husband. New tracks include the songs It's Fishfingers For Dinner, Why Don't You Change His Nappy?, and the timeless, What Time Do You Call This?
Books
It will be here! The long-awaited publication of a collection of columns written by a journalist. It's called: My Life - Your Book. Highlights include the heartbreaking piece on getting up in the morning when you don't want to and a powerful piece about buying green paint in a shop. (It turns out to be a paint shop!) Fantastic!
Public art
The Government will commission a piece of public art for O'Connell St. Artist Joan Orpen-Spas will build a small bronze house and will move in. She will say: "I wanted my work to open a discourse on the nature and value of housing and I also wanted to raise the moral question of a basic need existing as an investment opportunity. Most importantly of all I needed somewhere to live."
And what better sentiment is there to end the year that is just beginning!?