Dáil Sketch: For once the Taoiseach must have been relieved by the low turnout in the seats behind him. His own backbenchers have been causing him more trouble than the opposition lately, writes Frank McNally
Out of a possible 50-plus, their attendance peaked at four during Leaders' Questions, so Mr Ahern could relax and concentrate on the threat in front of him.
As luck would have it, there was nothing to worry about there either. Refusing to kick a man when he was down, the opposition had obviously decided to give Bertie a day off after his difficult week.
He can't have believed his luck when Enda Kenny lobbed him a softball question about taxpayers underclaiming relief for bin charges and medical expenses.
And when Pat Rabbitte expanded on the theme by raising the possibility that Oireachtas staff had been inadvertently overtaxed, the Taoiseach must have thought it was his birthday.
The Bertie Benefit was complete when even Joe Higgins failed to get anywhere close to savage indignation - the state from which he usually starts before getting worked up - during a question about the selloff of psychiatric hospitals.
It was one of those days in the Dáil. True, Joe Costello was dubbed "disorderly" by the Ceann Comhairle, and Mayo Independent Jerry Cowley was accused of fomenting "anarchy" in Mayo by Minister Noel Dempsey. But before anybody could send for Michael McDowell's Ranelagh Reserve to restore order, well, somehow, order just restored itself.
Mr McDowell featured indirectly in the one issue the opposition managed to become animated over: the hasty processing of the Social Welfare Bill. The house was being treated as a "rubber stamp", came the complaint. For Mr Rabbitte, the Minister for Social Welfare was taking his cue from the Minister for Justice, who saw the Dáil as a mere "irritant".
The opposition subsequently used one of its irritant powers to force a vote on the issue, obliging Mr McDowell and every available deputy to scurry into the chamber soon after.
A temporarily full house made for some giddy exchanges. The giddiest came when a grinning Bertie Ahern (it might have been a nervous grin because most of his parliamentary party was now sitting behind him again) assured Trevor Sargent that he had no plans to introduce nuclear power.
Whereupon John Gormley sensed a bluff. "You're introducing it by the back door, Taoiseach," he said, wagging his finger. "I can see it in your smile."
As several of those behind the Taoiseach may have reflected, if Mr Gormley really could read Bertie's smiles he'd earn a fortune in consultancy fees.
But it was Minister for Sport John O'Donoghue who replied, suggesting that, in their suspicion that the Government was going nuclear, the Greens were "eternal optimists".
This in turn provoked several opposition TDs to inquire whether the Minister was worried about "nuclear-powered greyhounds", and if so was Bord na gCon conducting underground tests.
For his part, the Taoiseach just kept smiling as the benches behind him emptied again.