Friendship, a kiss and a cuddle, a giggle, a meal, emotional intimacy - that kind of dalliance, usually with a work colleague, is no threat to a long-term relationship, is it? If you don't actually have sex, it isn't an affair, right? This new trend for the sexless encounter could even be "the end of the affair" as we know it.
"The Internet relationship is the affair of the future," says Claire Missen, of the Marriage and Relationships Counselling Service. Internet lovers even have sex "together" - although not in each other's physical presence. Last year, MRCS had a female client who left her husband for an American man she met in a chat room.
Cyber-cruising, where predators send out email flirtations like bait, hoping to reel in the love-hungry, is becoming so common that the words "you've got mail" were recently voted the sexiest three syllables in the English language in a US poll. Deeply emotional attachments without sex - whether on-line or in the office - can be the most hurtful kind for the betrayed partner, believes Missen.
That's also the view of Liz Early of Accord, the Catholic Marriage Advisory Service. Because it's one thing knowing that your partner was unable to resist the lure of a sexual adrenaline rush, and quite another realising that they were unable to talk to you about their deepest feelings.
Men and women react differently to being betrayed. When a man finds out that a woman has been unfaithful to him, his reaction is to feel physically under threat and to ask: "what has he got that I haven't?" says Willy Keogh, a counsellor with MRCS. When a woman discovers that her partner has been baring his soul to another woman, she also asks "what has she got that I haven't?", referring not only to her physical attributes but to qualities like understanding and supportiveness. How do you know that your "platonic" friendship is actually an affair? When you would have sex with your close friend if only you weren't already attached, says Missen.
The old-fashioned love affair based on sex still goes on, of course, most often between older men and their adoring, younger work colleagues, according to counsellors. Whatever kind of affair your partner is having, he or she will leave signs galore. Check credit card statements, mobile phone bills, handbag, briefcase, email and underwear drawer. The evidence is almost always there - if you choose to see it, says Missen. "It's staggering the way men drop hints and clues. They leave photographs, presents and cards lying around, or else arrange for the lover to ring them at home," says Keogh.
Everyone is so busy with their separate lives these days, that often it is only in hindsight that betrayed partners see telltale signals in behaviour, such as a person showering the moment he or she arrives home. Or dressing up in sexier, younger clothes before going out - alone. Or, like Kevin Spacey's character in American Beauty, mooning at one's daughter's best friend before suddenly embarking upon a diet and exercise regime.
If you haven't noticed these vital signs, your long-term partnership is on the critical list. You are living in deep denial. If you do notice and don't care, your relationship is merely an economic or child-rearing arrangement and facade, bearable for you but not a good role model for children, says Missen. If you do notice the evidence and are feeling homicidal - congratulations. You've got a chance of staying together - if your partner is still standing, that is. Like Hillary Clinton and Maureen Haughey, you are ready to brave public humiliation - while the rest of us marvel incredulously at your staying power.
The reason that adulterers like Clinton and Haughey - not to mention Prince Charles, Chris de Burgh, Kevin Costner, Mick Jagger and the rest - rarely take great pains to hide an affair is because, like most men, they want their wives to know. For both men and women, there are two kinds of affairs: the play-and-stay and the sex-that-wrecks.
As Missen describes it, the first kind of affair is intended to draw attention to problems in the existing relationship in the hope of addressing them. The second kind is intended to destroy the relationship. The lover is merely a "transitional object" whom an errant party uses as a security blanket while dismantling the relationship.
The first situation, which is most common, offers redemption if the established couple are willing to work their problems through. But they can succeed only if the so-called "wronged" party is willing to accept that he or she was partly to blame for the affair, Missen warns. "I think women are more forgiving than men. They tend to feel guilty and ask, `what did I do that he went off and had an affair?' " says Early. "While for men it is more a blow to the ego and manhood."
Just as the betrayed person must be willing to accept partial responsibility, so must the "guilty" one be willing to acknowledge the pain he or she has caused. "When her husband has an affair, a woman feels huge anger, shock and betrayal. The challenge is to try to get the husband to hear it," says Early.
Keogh says that "men are startled and amazed at the devastating, catastrophic effect their affairs have on their wives and children". When they are confronted, men will say "it was only sex" and expect the woman to compartmentalise the information in a little box marked "forgive and forget". But the woman wants and needs to talk about it if she is to give the relationship another chance.
The beginning of the affair is not necessarily the end of a marriage, agrees Muriel Walls, family law solicitor with McCann FitzGerald. A marriage may be basically good until one or other of the partners goes "off the rails", which can be tempting in the working world where business trips and social events are expected. Friends may encourage a separation, saying things like "I wouldn't put up with that", when the better advice would be to stay together and work it out, she believes.
In 23 years of practice, Walls has seen many cases of adultery provoking marriage separations, since adultery is one of six possible grounds. (In divorce cases, all you have to prove is that you have been living apart; the reason why is inconsequential.) Usually the adultery is merely the "open manifestation" of more fundamental problems, Walls observes. Separating couples themselves seem to realise that affairs are a symptom, not a cause. Affairs have played a minor role in the breakdown of their marriages, say couples who have sought help from the Family Mediation Service, under the Department of Social, Community and Family Affairs. In 1997 and 1998, only one in 10 clients considered that a third party was "the sole reason" for the undermining of their marriage, while nearly half (44 per cent) believed that a "communication gap" was the sole cause of the breakdown.
Communication problems are what affairs are all about, really. Women are usually seeking emotional intimacy that they are not getting from their partners. Few women have affairs only for sex and those who do are attractive to many men. It may sound cold, but the reality is that many men are having sexual affairs in order, ironically, to avoid intimacy, says Early. This use-her and lose-her mentality is rather predictable. "There's the old cliche; boys will be boys," says Keogh. "The man is getting older and wants to know if he still has the ability to score. There is a basic primal urge. Men also have affairs when there is a poor relationship with the wife, or if sex is not very good, or if the man feels excluded from home life because his wife is wrapped up in caring for the children. He feels he's not listened to and he does not feel needed and valued. Many women working full-time outside the home and caring for children don't have time for sex."
The author of First Wives Club, Olivia Goldsmith, has written about this very phenomenon in her latest novel, Young Wives. Her take on the situation is that evil, philandering men expect their saintly wives to work outside the home and rear the children, while the men sleep around. Julia Roberts is said to have turned down the lead role because she didn't want to be seen as a manhatter - and she has a point. There are rarely any villains. Men shouldn't expect their wives to do it all while they pretend that they are still single, but at the same time women have to acknowledge that affairs blossom and long-term relationships fail because two people weren't making it work.