There's something about the word "vegetables" which robs what it denotes of any sense of cool. That soft G, the rumbling babyish roll of the "ubble", take us back to the nursery and the cosy world of what's good for you - but just ain't sexy. Visions of mashed parsnips dance in your head. Even the chummy short form "veg" can't compete with the evocative snap of "steak". Chop. RRRRRack of lamb. Short sharp glamour. Protein rules OK.
Vegetables do however come across even worse in other languages. The French "legumes" makes them sound positively like a scientific experiment, whereas the Spanish "verduras" is a bit close to ordure for my liking.
Imagine a cool, groovy, minmimalist plate-glass-ridden restaurant serving only spuds, carrots and eggplant parmigiana . . . no, I can't either. In English, vegetables evoke granny's exhortations and a knitted cardigan, or maybe a poncho with a motif of llamas and a flask of elderflower wine. And at Escape in Bray, Co Wicklow, one of Ireland's few dedicated vegetarian restaurants, the 1970s commune non-meat-eater is what you suspect you might find at the next table.
The ambience surrounds sweetly as you walk through the door. It's all woody and there are dolphins in the air . . . literally, on one of a dozen or more mobiles hanging from the rafters. Candles abound, mostly unlit, a number of them rather less cheerily in the shape of skulls. To offset these, a number of brightly painted babies' toys are on display in another corner of the restaurant, all for sale rather than as designer chic.
The lighting is very low, perhaps to disguise the ravages of time on a constituency which was once upon a time singing along to Country Joe and the Fish as it shovelled in its brown rice and pumpkin curry. After groping to our table we ordered Greek salad and a tomato and cashew nut pate (both £4.95) from the brief, daily changing, menu. My confidante, Rosie, looked like a splendid ladybug in scarlet and a new black leather pinafore (imagine! in a vegetarian restaurant!). Her salad was fresh and pleasant although rather more Wicklow than Athens, with a sprinkling of olives and rather sparing use of feta.
Still, feta is a strong flavour and the opposite, an overabundance, can be offputting. My pate gave the impression of a tomato puree halfway to being something else, although it was hard to tell what exactly. It came with a garnish of spring onions and our waitress bought a basket of Escapebaked brown bread, which was fresh and of a good consistency, not as firm as brown bread but not soggy either.
There was a choice of seven main courses and we had a Siciliana Crepe (£8.95) and a Spinach Dream (£9.95).
While we waited we sipped the modest white wine we had bought ourselves and the jug of water provided by Escape. Its Bring Your Own option was one of the big attractions luring us there. There is a £1.25 corkage charge per person, which is better than paying the unpalatable mark-up on bottles of wine fully licensed restaurants often adopt. Why aren't there more BYOs in Ireland? One answer which presents itself readily is that there is not as much profit for the proprietor. The Restaurants Association does not wish to comment on this point, but notes that there are no separate BYO licences. The three categories are wine only, wine and beer, or everything liquid and liquorous, and it is up to the individual restaurateur whether he sells the drink or allows diners to bring it themselves.
But back to food: Rosie approved of the crepe, although her culinary detective instincts told her that the filling and my starter pate could possibly be related. It was described as a sundried tomato and cream sauce, with cayenne and paprika. The use of the spices was judicious, not too hot but piquant. The crepe was a good texture, slender but not rubbery. My Spinach Dream was very good, an interesting but not absurd mixture of spinach, carrots, couscous and (allegedly) smoked cheese, wrapped in flaky pastry. I don't know what the cheese had been smoked in but it wouldn't give much of a high . . . I for a while wondered if it was creme fraiche or yoghurt. The overall effect was satisfying. A salad with warm potatoes, a nice touch, was served with the main course, and was more than generous.
There seemed to be more women diners than men, but I don't want to be guilty of making any vicious gender judgments here. Are more women vegetarian than men? Do men eat meat to fuel their continued world domination? For all I know there may be males all over Ireland covertly nibbling nut cutlets even as I write. Many of us, man or woman, adopt a would-if-could approach to vegetarianism - as Rose (like me, an aspirational veggie living with a rabid carnivores) said after she had demolished her Siciliana Crepe, "I wouldn't mind if could still have a piece of ham afterwards".
To make sure there was no hint of hunger-motivated dissatisfaction we chose a couple of desserts from the impressive cake stand. There were various chocolate mountains and an apple tart, but we went for peach flan and a lemon and banana cheesecake, each around £4. The flan was delicious, plump and glazed and served with fresh cream. The cheesecake suffered from lack of character and rather too much biscuit. The bit of banana looked lonely and the lemon must have been taking a tea break.
The bill came to just under £40, which surprised me; it seemed a lot for what we had, but normally I wouldn't be able to handle three courses. Perhaps that is one of the great attractions of vegetarianism - there's always room for pudding.
The background music was not what I subliminally expected (Emerson Lake and Palmer . . . anyone out there remember Bone Salad Surgery?) but jolly 1950s and Sinatra tunes, played at a level which permitted us to converse enjoyably about Sonia and the non-personification of Michelle Smith.
But, despite its pleasing EL and P look, the Escape time warp should not deceive . . . it is plugged into the world of the Internet via its website, www.escapeinfo.cjb.net, which includes a forum for those wishing to discuss the "Escape Experience". This encompasses not just an easily-digested meal but also tarot readings and astrology. Escape has semi-resident experts in both fields, one of whom confidently predicts that in the year 2004 we will see evidence of life from other planets. Let us hope they are vegetarians.
Escape, 1 Albert Avenue, Bray, Co Wicklow. Tel: (01) 2866755, open seven days from 410.30 p.m. Lunch available at "Escapade" - a coffee shop offspring of the main restaurant. Tarot readings on application.