Kevin (see the problem below) is not alone in what his wife considers his grand notions. Just ask any hotelier, car-hire firm, boutique, magazine editor, florist, department store, caterer, dress-hire service, milliner or hairdresser. They have all bought into the dream, and very financially advantageous it is, too.
Rain forests have been cut down to create paper for the millions of books on wedding etiquette, and old-fashioned family shops (which once considered wedding lists naff, commercial and vulgar) are printing them in every possible format. Tenors and sopranos have found a handy little earner in belting out Panis Anglicus and Ave Maria in a key that will please the congregation. Gone are the days when somebody's cousin who was good in the choir at school got to sing in the church as a favour.
Travel agencies have got in on the act, urging wedding parties to take a week in the Canaries to promote a glowing tan for the day. There are showers, stag and hen dos, brides' mothers' tea parties, karaoke hired for the "afters", sit-down lunches the day following the wedding - the list goes on, the price mounts up, the standards get ever higher.
This is in an era when a marriage is statistically less likely than ever before in history to endure. But has that meant that the ceremony should be simpler and less laced with drama? Has it ever.
The rite of passage has never been so complicated, ornate and costly. It's almost as if by embellishing it to the last degree it will somehow create a magic which will make the vows permanent and make the marriage last.
Not without some emotional cost, either. Doctors and psychiatrists report a huge increase in the demands for sedation whenever a family wedding is planned. People who have been off the drink for years go back on it at the very first toast to the happy couple. Those who are inarticulate and tongue-tied suffer genuine agony at the thought of having to say the few words in public. Those who seem to be perpetually single or who have been recently separated or widowed feel bereft when they hear all the promises of everlasting love. Those whose weddings were vastly more simple resent the excessive display; those who had tried to compete spend a lot of time comparing their own efforts with those of the wedding they are now attending.
Older people sigh at the hypocrisy of white dresses and veils when the couple have been living together for months. Young people sigh at the preponderance of geriatric cousins and wonder glumly who will be at their table when it comes to the big day.
Whole skies full of anxieties are released over the sound of the wedding bells pealing. We are not going to change all this overnight, even if it should be changed.
The Problem
Sheila says that her husband, Kevin, an ordinary working man, has gone insane in his efforts to provide a ludicrously extravagant wedding for their only daughter, Marie. She believes that Marie and her boyfriend, Jimmy, have now been sucked into Kevin's grand notions, and that the consequent expense - in the region of £20,000 - will ruin her husband's health as well as the family finances for many years to come. Does she have to go along with his dream?
My Advice
Dear Sheila,
Listen to me. He wants it desperately. Let him have it. He is the one working the long hours in the boring job, he is the one who sees himself for once in his starring role as Generous and Hospitable Father of the Bride. He may never again have a few hours in the spotlight. Even when the grandchildren come along he'll only be an old fool in slippers.
Ask yourself if any of your distaste for all this comes from annoyance that your real friends and family will accuse you of having notions? If so, then you are only reacting for fear of what other people think and that's not particularly worthy or sensible.
Ask yourself: what would happen if you got your way? Suppose Marie and Jimmy sat down at the table and were told that mother thinks it's a criminal waste of money. How would they react?
If any such view was to be presented, it should have been done long ago, before the train started to gather speed with all the hopes and dreams aboard. You missed that particular chance then, and honestly I believe you are digging a terrible pit for yourself if you try to call a halt now. Believe me, I have thought about it for a long time.
We all should have done things years ago which we did not do. All right, Sheila, you are right to feel aggrieved, but think what will happen if you deny him his dream.
We all have some kind of fantasy, and this is his. So it's barking mad, I agree. But it will be an album to look back on in dull days, a video to play when he think he's a nobody.
If he were mine and I loved him, I would do it, and not do it grumblingly, but with good grace.
Get yourself a ludicrous hat, Sheila, and join in. Not only would Kevin never forgive you for snatching away his day in the sunshine, but your daughter would always resent you and say it was only because you didn't have a big wedding yourself - you were just jealous. Don't itemise the bill. Don't say this is ridiculous or ludicrous - say its wonderful.
He is the one who will be working weekends. Tell him it was worth it.
Readers' Advice
It's quite obvious, Sheila, that Kevin has flipped and cannot be reasoned with anymore, especially by you. There is only one thing you can do (and do it now before things get worse). First of all, send Kevin out to golf or for a long walk. Then sit Marie and Jimmy down together and have a heart-to-heart talk with them. Tell them exactly what you've told me and lay it on as thick as you like. Tell them how worried you are about Kevin's health and also about your financial situation. How else are they to know if no one tells them? When they crack - as they will - advise them to treat Kevin with kid gloves when telling him of their change of plans, and not to mention your role in their decision. Let him think it has all come from them. If Kevin cannot come to terms with a scaleddown version of his dream wedding, maybe they should consider a wedding (and honeymoon combined) in Rome. It would work out far cheaper than £20,000.
J. MacN - Dublin 9
Kevin needs to see the Month's Problem in print. It is not just for a month - this could have a very bad effect for years. Point out that the everyday problems of life in a small flat will be even worse after all the expensive nonsense, and that, as a loving father, he should help his daughter have a happy future - not just the memories of one day. One is tempted to urge the young couple to elope - saving everyone from a lot of unnecessary stress. Kevin, remember it is your daughter's wedding day, so make sure she remembers it with joy. And wouldn't it be wonderful if the bride's mother felt the same?
- E.P. O'Sullivan, Dublin 5
I can't imagine anything worse than feeling you are the only sane one in a world gone mad. Watching your husband exhaust himself to pay for a wedding that, in your view, has gone beyond the bounds of sense, and to see the bridal couple caught up in the extravagance while they live in a rented flat, must be dreadfully difficult.
I would be inclined to agree with you, bar one thing. This is your husband's dream. We all have dreams. Usually they make no sense and are completely impractical, but they add a richness to life and it's very hard to have them trampled under by practical commonsense. Would it be possible to have a quiet word with Marie and Jimmy, pointing out what it is costing your husband in terms of health and being saddled with future debts? Maybe they could scale down some of the more exotic expenses, while leaving the man his dream and his dignity. If this doesn't work, I believe you will just have to grit your teeth and allow him his moment of madness. It could be so much worse. He could run amok gambling, take flight with another woman or blow the lot on a fast car and crash it. Men with dreams aren't reasonable, but men without dreams are dull, and men whose dreams are denied them become unhappy and frustrated. So, you have all my sympathy, but I think on this occasion you may take a deep breath, hit the shops for a smashing outfit and get on with enjoying the day. Good luck, whatever you decide.
Janet Blake - Carlow
I would say to your two star-crossed lovers and their big spending Dad: if you don't have it, don't spend it.
Brian Mullins - New York
Sheila, first, try to see Kevin's point of view. It is a challenge to his masculinity to see that his only daughter has a sparkling send-off. He thinks he can handle this by working longer hours. Men often don't take care of their health in contrast to most women. Listen to your husband - a lot may be going on in his mind. He may dread the thought of Marie leaving home. Use your feminine intuition to help him get his inmost feelings out of his system.
Second, confide your anxieties to Marie and Jimmy. They will understand that both you and Kevin need to be as relaxed as possible for the wedding. Ask them how you would cope if Kevin became burnt out and were no longer able to earn a living. Who would pay back the £20,000 loan? You certainly couldn't. Ask them to back off the Rolls and the champagne and settle for a practical wedding. You, as Marie's mother, are entitled to this. Ask them to arrange a family meeting and spell out their new plans. The ball is now in their court.
Third, enlist, if you can, the help of Jimmy's parents. A lavish wedding may put Jimmy under severe pressure to provide too high a standard of living for Marie. In the end, no one is happy.
Rose Mooney - Dublin 11
If ever there was a case where a family conference should be held, this is it. But please do not put down your husband's dream out of hand and, above all, don't nag or quarrel about it! I agree it would be lunacy to spend £20,000 which you don't have on his dream day, but with compromises on all sides it would be quite possible to have a fairly lavish wedding for half that amount or even less. Ask Kevin to consider giving them a more modest wedding, and perhaps later, when they want to buy a house, you and he could contribute a sizeable donation towards it. You sound like an ordinary middle-class family and your guests might very likely not enjoy an affair which was too "high-faluting". It is unlikely that any of them would be an expert on brands of champagne, and anyway it is only a matter of giving each a glass to drink the toasts; a good sparkling wine would probably be equally acceptable and nobody any the wiser. (That is what we did).
Dresses for the bride and bridesmaid(s) can be hired - much less expensive than buying, and good hire companies now can provide a lovely dress that will not have to be a white elephant afterwards. Hire of morning suits should not be prohibitive - you don't have to dress the entire party - only Kevin and Jimmy.
Likewise, it is usual to hire a car to bring the bride to church, and probably the Rolls is not much more expensive than, say, a Mercedes, or is it? Have you thought of having a veteran or vintage car? Or a horse and carriage would be fun if you don't have far to travel? Photographs are a must, and nowadays a video is also considered a must. Do you have any friends who own or can operate a camcorder? It is possible to hire one for a day, and sometimes the amateur shots are more fun to look at afterwards than the perfect professional job. Just get a professional, perhaps, to take the formal groups for the album.
Don't overlook the really important things on this day of days - you should, all of you, be relaxed and happy. You love your daughter, so don't be afraid to say so, and how proud of her you are.
Marie and Jimmy sound like a sensible young couple; I am sure they will have a wonderful wedding day, and they will probably feel better about it if they know that they have not put her parents into debt on their behalf. I wish them all the best.
MGG - Dublin 6
A few things struck me about this situation. Sheila appears to me to be hurt and powerless. The money that Kevin is going to lash out is, after all, partly hers, I presume. Yet he is making the decision on how it should be spent. Women in Ireland have frequently felt unable to voice their say in how family income should be spent because they are frequently not part of the paid workforce.
Kevin could spend some of this money on looking at exactly why he might want to go overboard in this way. Perhaps times were harder before and he may have felt sorry not to have been able to lavish gifts on his family - or even ashamed of what his family had. If he were to talk these issues over with a counsellor to help him see where this drive is coming from, he might be more reasonable. He appears to be "driven" by this. He may also be sick of hearing Sheila say "We are not this kind of people" and want to push the boat out a bit. This is admirable, and people don't have to be stereotyped in how they behave on set occasions. They should have a splash, have a day to remember, but get together - all four of them - and have a really good talk about the whole thing. They could have a great celebration where everyone is happy about the event and could keep a good chunk of the £20,000 for the deposit on a house or to repay some of their own mortgage. If they don't sort it out it is hard to see how it can be a happy day. Sheila's resentment will spill over and spoil the celebrations.
Margaret Riordan - Dublin 20
The question about the father wanting to spend a fortune on his daughter's wed- ding is probably a typical one. We see it in the United States all the time. I don't know the father, of course, but a lot of possibilities for doing this come to mind. Though the following are only perceptions, not realities, I suspect this wedding, as well as many other expensive weddings, are planned for the following possible reasons:
1. It's the last wonderful thing a father can do for his daughter.
2. It can prove to the daughter how much he loves her.
3. It can show the friends, relatives and neighbours a labour of love.
4. It can be the one thing the husband demands from his wife after years of relenting to her wishes.
It seems that this father may have some very deep-seated feelings that need to be explored before the wedding. Why would he need to prove anything to anybody? Does he feel guilty and, if so, why? Has the daughter influenced her dad? Has the wife been pushing the father around for years and is he now saying, "I won't relent on this one"? If, after these points are discussed with open minds among the spouses and the daughter, the dad till wants to spend the money, I think the wife should back off. We all do a lot of silly things in our lives. Some buy unnecessary large-screen TVs, and others spend money on extravagant vacations. Huge numbers of Americans assume enormous amounts of credit-card debts. None of this is financially sound - but it seems to make everyone happy.
Mary Carroll - Chicago
Louise East's weekly Winging It column appears on Weekend 4 this week
Next Month's Problem
My daughter Orla is 15 1/2 and of course she is restless and troublesome. That goes with the territory. But recently things have got much worse between us and in an effort to try and understand her more, I read her diary. And now I have been truly punished since I discovered no insights about her relation- ship with her father and myself but instead that she has been having sex with more than one partner. To say that I am shocked is an understatement. My husband Brian is a perWhat Orla is doing is dangerous and even against the law. Must I ignore this and pretend that I never read her diary?
What is your view? Please send your solutions next week to PO box 6737, Dun Laoghaire, Co Dublin. Replies, and this monthly column - will next appear on Saturday, July 17th.