Dail Sketch/Miriam Lord:On the surface, it seemed like a reasonable question for Joan Burton to ask. As Bertie Ahern rambled on about the price of fish and fruit, the Labour deputy for Dublin West looked up at him in disbelief. "And when did you last go to the supermarket?"
During his 10 years as Taoiseach, Bertie hasn't exactly been a regular at his local Supervalu, stocking up on the frozen pizza and roast beef meals for one. Obviously, somebody must lay in provisions for him.
But Joan was wrong to assume that the Taoiseach is a stranger to supermarkets. He may not visit them with a view to purchasing groceries, but hardly a week goes by when he isn't officially opening one, or belting through the aisles schmoozing housewives and checkout girls.
However, is the Taoiseach aware that ordinary shoppers are not happy when they look at their till receipts after the weekly shop? Labour leader Pat Rabbitte felt Bertie needed to know this yesterday, and cited inflation figures from the Central Statistics Office to bolster his case.
Unfortunately, Pat made the mistake of mentioning Bertie's favourite place in the whole wide world. Without the CSO, the Taoiseach wouldn't have a reason to get up in the morning. Without the CSO, he wouldn't be able to function in the Dáil. Bertie loves the CSO.
Thanks yet again to the CSO, the Taoiseach was able to address Pat Rabbitte's arithmetic with confidence. Sucking on his comfort blankie of statistics, Bertie embarked on a bewildering exposition of figures, while simultaneously throwing in the cost of fish, poor fruit harvests and the price of petrol when he was in Kerry on his summer holidays.
Yes, there is an upward trend in inflation, he conceded. But when you take away the rise in energy costs and interest rates, the cost of living has hardly gone up at all, he argued.
Anyway, the increase is mainly in fresh meat, fish and vegetables. (Everyone knows Bertie exists on free cocktail sausages and pints of Bass.) "And that's straight from the CSO," declared a triumphant Taoiseach. Oh, and car insurance is down by 45 per cent, he boasted for good measure.
"When did you insure your car last?" snorted Fine Gael's Tom Hayes.
"I don't know what the Taoiseach's diet is made up of," began smart-alec Pat Rabbitte, about to outline how the price of meat, an essential purchase for most households, has risen since the Groceries Order was abolished.
Sounding like he was auditioning to present the livestock marts' round-up, the Labour leader began to read his closing prices.
"Beef: 10 per cent higher.
"Lamb: 6.6 per cent higher.
"Pork: 1.8 per cent higher."
Then a voice piped up from across the way. "Rabbitte: 2 per cent lower." That was it. The entire place collapsed.
Bertie buried his head in his chest and tried to cover his face with his hand, but his shoulders were heaving. The Fianna Fáil backbenchers roared. The Opposition howled.
Minister of State Seán Power sat back and basked in the glory.
As for Pat, he looked stunned, wearing a piqued expression which said: "Don't they know I am the only wit in the village?" He regained his composure. He took a deep breath. "Fish" The backbenchers went into paroxysms. The advantage was lost. Pat should have known better than try to match Bertie on the numbers front.
The Taoiseach smiled to himself. Saved by statistics again.