Many of the children had been aware of the conflict between their parents prior to their separation.
"I always thought there was a problem because me and my sister used to sit at the top of the stairs and listen to them, and we'd hear them coming and we'd run upstairs again . . . we knew they fought a lot," said one girl, aged 14, five years after her parents' separation.
Although many were aware that difficulties existed, most felt surprised, and some deeply shocked, when their parents decided to separate.
One 15-year-old girl understood that there were some problems - "the way my dad wasn't there all the time made my mum really lonely" - but was completely taken aback when the conflict escalated and the separation happened.
"I'd no idea, so when it did happen, I was in terrible shock for a long while," said another girl (16) one year after separation.
The manner in which children came to learn about their parents' separations varied considerably. Many of the younger ones were told by their resident parent alone, in all cases their mother. Four children were told about the separation by their non-resident parent alone, while two children were told about the separation by both parents together. Others were told by siblings, or gradually learned over time.
"They first said that, 'em, 'me and your dad are not going to be living together any more, but you're still going to see each other and it doesn't mean you haven't . . . we haven't stopped loving you', or something," recalled an 11-year-old girl four years after separation.
Children were most confused and worried when they did not know what was happening, and did not have a chance to ask questions. They were especially upset when a parent left suddenly and did not return to live in the family home.
"Me ma walked out of the house . . . stress was too much for her . . . it was two years later I saw her," said one 14-year-old boy five years after separation.
Some parents kept the separation secret from children until all was lost, in an attempt to "soften the blow". In general, the pattern was for parents to communicate with children about the separation after a decision had been made to separate.
When children were aware that there were serious difficulties, or had witnessed conflict and even violence, the lack of information added to their confusion and distress.
"Well, me dad hadn't been there for a few days and me mam said he was out working, but then she knew she couldn't keep it back any more . . . and I was asking her why and then, like, me granny and granddad were coming up all the time because me mam was crying . . . so I knew that something was going on and then she eventually told me," said a 14-year-old girl five years after separation.
Some felt resentment that they had not been told more.
One 17-year-old girl felt cheated out of a family life that proved to be an illusion. She thought it was hard to expect them to say: " 'Right, we're having problems'. . . I know that's obviously not what can happen, but I just felt a bit sort of cheated. So that's what I was angry about," she explained four years after separation.
"I would have liked to have been asked," said another girl, aged 10, five years after her parents' split.