Next time you get the uncontrollable urge to tell security you have a bomb, just ignore the voices in your head. Frank McNally writes
Most people will sympathise with Samantha Marson, the young Englishwoman who was arrested in Miami this week for claiming she had explosives in her rucksack. There's a natural human urge to say the worst possible thing at the wrong moment, and you can easily imagine how the incident happened.
You're walking through a US airport where you know everyone is very conscious about security. You're telling yourself to for-God's-sake act natural and avoid doing anything that would attract suspicion. Then a little, mischievous voice in your head makes a suggestion. And next thing you hear yourself joking to security staff that you have "three bombs" in your bag. Sure we've all been there.
It must have been something similar that happened to the Democratic presidential candidate, Howard Dean, on Tuesday. He had a bad result in Iowa, and in his subsequent speech the challenge was to combine dignified acceptance of a setback with statesmanlike optimism. He was probably reminding himself: You're still running for President, Howard, so whatever you do, don't start shouting "Yeehargh!" and looking look like one of those drooling rednecks in the film Deliverance. And of course, that's exactly what he did.
In fairness to Marson, she quickly realised her error of judgment and was very contrite. There must have been another risky moment during her arrest when officers warned her that she had the right to remain silent. That little voice in her head was probably suggesting this would the perfect time to quip: "Death to American infidels!" But she seems to have resisted the urge, and I hope the judge will reward her self-restraint when the case comes up.
As another story this week illustrates, there's a thin line between saying too much, and too little. Finland is a country where nobody ever speaks out of turn. And this may have been a factor in the sad case of a 60-year-old Finnish tax auditor who was dead at his desk for two days before anybody noticed. According to the AFP news agency, there seems to have been a general assumption among his 30 departmental colleagues that he was "just silently poring over papers".
Maybe some of them did notice he was unusually quiet, but with that famous Finnish reserve, they didn't want to say the wrong thing. If only somebody had crept up behind the unfortunate man and shouted "Yeehargh!" or joked that there were "three bombs" under his desk, his demise might have been spotted earlier.
The British press was harsh on Ms Marson. "How could anyone be so stupid?" asked the Daily Express. But aside from the primal urge to say the wrong thing, another possible answer to this question is that the 21-year-old student may have been a victim of astrological influences.
This week saw the changeover from the Chinese Year of the Ram to the Year of the Monkey, one of the biggest personality shifts in the 12-year cycle. According to experts, monkey years are characterised by "bluffs, tricks, and mayhem", which more-or-less covers the Miami incident. One Feng Shui analyst in Hong Kong has even predicted a 16 per cent rally in the Hang Seng financial index this year, inspired by the monkey's "cheerful energy and love of heights".
This would also help to explain another story from England reported on Wednesday, about the 22-year-old student who planned to: (1) bungee jump off Bristol's 300 ft Clifton Suspension Bridge; (2) set fire to himself on the way down; and then (3) quickly cut the rope and douse his flames in the Avon Gorge.
According to the Daily Telegraph, however, the stunt went badly wrong - what were the odds? - when James Marples's knife broke just after he had successfully completed steps 1 and 2. He then dangled on fire for 20 seconds, until he was able to locate the "reserve knife" and cut himself free.
Marples is now recovering in hospital. His condition is described as "stable" which, if true, marks a big improvement since he thought up the stunt. Even if he recovers fully, however,there remains the problem that bungee jumping off the Clifton Bridge is illegal, and apparently the police are now waiting to interview him (and the voices in his head). The best advice for all of them would be to say nothing.