Talk about slavery – can somebody free me from this Obama yawnathon? asks ROSS O'CARROLL KELLY.
DIDN’T TAKE JP long to find a new career for himself – he’s working as, like, a bailiff? As he says himself, he helped build the Celtic Tiger, now he’s bringing it back to the shop.
"Went to repossess a gaff up in Carrickmines this morning," he tells us, opening another can. "Rocked on up there at, like, seven o'clock. You'll never guess what – focking thing hasn't even been built yet. Still all fields. Is that the most fin de sièclething you've ever heard?" Sorcha ends up shushing him. "Er, we're trying to watch actual history here?" she goes. Then Sophie's like, "America's first ever hot president." Chloe's holding Honor, who's wearing a T-shirt with three serious-looking dudes on it. One, definitely, is this goy Obama – the other two, according to Fionn, are Martin Luther King and Malcolm X – and underneath, it just says "Free at last". That just about sums up the vibe of the day.
I had no interest in going to Sorcha's Inauguration Party – it was one of those things we all ended up getting, like, guilted into? Anyway, as you can imagine, it was shaping up to be themost boring afternoon of my life. Until, that is, about five minutes before the big speech, when the doorbell rang and suddenly in walked Jada Wilson.
Jada was basically a friend of Sorcha's from way back, though I don't think they've seen each other since they left UCD. I've certainly never heardSorcha mention her. The only thing you need to know about Jada for the purposes of this story is that she's – and I know this is going to sound probably racist, but – black. Although I could add that she's also a ringer for Kelly Rowland.
The second she walks into the room, all the birds are straight to their feet, hugging her, going, “Welcome!” in a way that’s big-time OTT. Sorcha introduces her to anyone who doesn’t know her. “This is Jada,” she’s going. “She was in, like, my history and politicial science classes,” and there’s loads of wows and more than a few oh my Gods.
You can see straight away from Jada's face that she's thinking, what have I walked into here? We all sit down again and on hecomes – humbled by the task, mindful of the sacrifices, blahdy blahdy blah-blah.
Unbelievably boring.
Out of the corner of my eye, I’m looking at Jada, pretty much undressing her if the truth be told. I ask her, in a seriously flirty way, if she’s still playing hockey – she was with Three Rock, I know that.
"Ssshhh!" Sorcha goes. "Ross, I want our daughter to actually rememberthis day?" and Sophie goes, "Oh my God, I would so love to actually be there and be part of that, like, energy." On and on your man goes. When he eventually finishes, Chloe, Sophie and Sorcha burst into applause and, like a couple of suck-orses, Fionn and JP join in. Sorcha has actual tears in her eyes. "I was into him from, like, wayback, before he even got the nomination," she goes to Jada. "The night of the election, I stayed up until, like, four in the morning to hear the results come in. Come on, everyone – let's eat." So we trail into the dining room. It turns out we're having the same thing for dinner that Obama and his crew are having for lunch – in other words, seafood stew, a brace of American birds with sour cherry chutney and molasses sweet potatoes, followed by apple cinnamon sponge cake with sweet cream glacé.
They’re all still banging on about hope and hope-over-fear and Chloe’s saying that the whole “from slavery to the White House” thing has given her the courage to face up to her operation next month. Her hips are focked from a lifetime wearing designer shoes.
I try to change the subject again, roysh, because Jada's looking pretty much bewildered here. "So," I go, "has your friend Alison forgiven me for the night of the Santa Sabina debs? They weren'thickeys I arrived with, let me just say for the record – they were bruises from, like, paintballing?" "Ross," Sorcha goes, pretty much biting my head off. "It doesn't always have to be about you. Chloe, what were you saying there about your hip replacement?" Jada finally pipes up. "Can Isay something?" she goes and everyone at the table is suddenly quiet. I think they're waiting for a big speech – another Obama jobbie. "Why do you all keep talking about slavery?" "The whole civil rights thing?" Sophie goes.
Jada goes, "On a point of information – historically, man's impulse to enslave had nothing to do with racial hatred. It was more about cheap labour. How many Americans, do you think, can trace their lineage back to whiteancestors who arrived in the country in chains?" From the way Fionn's nodding in agreement, I'd say it must be a fair few. "The first enslavers of black Africans, let me also say, were otherblack Africans," she goes, which causes gasps around the table.
Chloe's there, "Oh my God, I can't believe you're actuallysaying that." Jada's like, "Who do you think builtthe Pyramids?" Again, Fionn's nodding. He's probably the only other person at this table who actually knows.
"Oh my God, this is what Jada was like in tutorials," Sorcha goes. "She'd take the opposite point of view to everyone else and and she'd argue it sowell." Jada stands up. "Sorcha, I haven't heard from you since college. You ring me up out of the blue and you invite me here to listen to this . . . hairshirt condescension routine, which, frankly, I find more than a little sick-making." Then she just, like, storms out the door.
Sorcha smiles sadly at the others. “It’ll take time,” she tells them.
I follow Jada out of the room. She's standing at the bottom of the stairs. "I'm from Baldoyle!" she goes. "I've never been to Africa orAmerica." I'm there, "You must be wondering – how did someone like Ross end up marrying that?" I'm helping her on with her coat, giving it, "Wouldn't mind blowing this porty myself. Was going to ask if we can we get, like, a drink or something?" You all think she told me where to go, don't you? She didn't. She looked at me, smiled and went, "Yes we can!"