Newton's Optic: The present hullabaloo over the term 'British Isles' is just a load of John Bull, writes Newton Emerson
The term "British Isles" will be removed from geography textbooks following a complaint from a parent. The term is considered offensive by many people who lead full and rewarding lives.
Confusion arises because 10 per cent of the inhabitants of the British Isles are Irish, most of whom live on the island of Ireland, where 20 per cent of the inhabitants are British. There are no immediate plans to find a more correct term for "Ireland".
Several alternative names have been suggested for the archipelago sharing the continental shelf off northwestern Europe.
These include The 90 Per Cent British Isles, The British And Irish (Including The British Part Of Ireland) Isles and the EU-preferred Archipelago Sharing the Continental Shelf off Northwestern Europe.
However, the terminology used in the Belfast Agreement is the most likely to gain widespread acceptance. Under the agreement, the British Isles are referred to as "These Islands", except outside the British Isles where they are referred to as "Those Islands".
Within These Islands, the island of Ireland is referred to as "This Island", except outside the island of Ireland where it is referred to as "That Island".
This Island includes the Blasket Islands which are referred to as the Blasket Islands, except on the Blasket Islands where they are referred to as These Islands, and Ireland is referred to as That Island, despite both being part of This Island.
Textbook publishers are confident that this will still be easier for children to understand than the biography of Peig Sayers.
The Belfast Agreement itself is often referred to by some unionists as the Good Friday agreement, but this has nothing to do with this or that, so it is neither here nor there.
Cartographers believe the term "Irish Sea" is not offensive as nobody lives in the sea.
However, this situation could change if global warming causes the Irish Sea to flood 10 per cent of Britain.
Of more immediate concern is the village of Ireland in Bedfordshire. Including this in a school textbook would offend almost everyone in These Islands who leads a full and interesting life.
Geography experts say it is unfortunate that the village was not destroyed 20 years ago by an IRA bomb, as many people who find the term "British Isles" offensive would not have found that offensive at all.
Perhaps the greatest threat to an agreed system of geographical nomenclature between These Islands is posed by the Isle of Man.
Officially part of the British Isles, but not part of the United Kingdom, the Isle of Man is a crown dependency in the middle of the Irish Sea, which could scarcely be more of a provocation.
The island's name is also highly offensive to women who lead full and interesting lives.
Textbook publishers suggest that the Isle of Man might be renamed the Isle of People or at the very least the Isle of Man and Woman.
The offensive nature of its constitutional status could be resolved by leaving inland areas dependent on the crown, while coastal areas elect a president.
Irish Government sources remain optimistic that all these issues can be resolved peacefully. "It's simple enough," explained a Fianna Fáil spokesman yesterday.
"There are two major islands in the Archipelago Sharing the Continental Shelf off Northwestern Europe.
"One where you have to pay tax on a gift and one where you don't."