Heather Ingman: Carl pulled back the curtains. It was raining - in August! Those feminists mucking around with the weather again. He went downstairs to make himself some tea. He poured in the milk and watched aghast as it separated into oily blobs.
Those pesky feminists tampering with his milk supply. He pushed his mug aside and drew The Irish Times towards him. Ah! Here was a man after his own heart. He smoothed down the pages and prepared to read with delight Cardinal Ratzinger's latest onslaught on the evils of feminism.
Meanwhile, at another breakfast table in another part of the city, the report of Cardinal Ratzinger's 37-page document challenging "erroneous ideas" about women was causing a great deal of mirth.
"Humility, faithfulness, waiting" laughed Rhoda, waving her copy of the newspaper.
"Well, we are waiting," said Doireann, tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks. "We're waiting for the Catholic Church to change. Oh, morning, Cliona." She turned to kiss their daughter.
"Morning, Mum. Morning, Mam." Cliona gave them both a peck on the cheek. "What's for breakfast?"
"Ratzinger on toast." They burst out laughing again.
"But seriously," said Rhoda, as she got up to prepare their daughter's breakfast, "doesn't the document seem to you a little confused? It criticises those whose arguments make antagonists of men and women and then goes on to say," - she peeped over Doireann's shoulder - "that 'from the first moment of their creation, man and woman are different, and will remain so for eternity'. What could be more divisive?"
"Or disheartening," agreed her partner.
"Mum?" "Yes, darling?" Rhoda turned from the cooker where she was scrambling their daughter's eggs.
"Are Barry and Dave coming over today?"
"Yes, and they're bringing Johnnie, so you'll have someone to play with." "Cool!" Cliona clapped her hands.
Doireann smiled at her. "You like playing with Johnnie, don't you?"
"I do. He always lets me go first on the Playstation."
"He certainly quietens you down. Whoever said girls were more patient than boys?"
"Cardinal Ratzinger," said Rhoda, setting the plate of eggs in front of their daughter.
"Oh yes. And look who has welcomed his comments. The Tory MP Ann Widdecombe."
Rhoda smiled "A woman well known for her patience, humility and listening ability."
"What I don't understand," said Doireann, studying the paper, "is why the document fails to take on board theology's re-reading of Mary as an independent young woman who freely responds to the invitation to participate in God's work. Asian Christian theology sees Mary as a self-defined woman who in the Magnificat preaches revolution and demonstrates solidarity with the oppressed."
She got up to pick out a book from their well-stocked shelves. "Listen to what Pui-lan Kowk has to say in Introducing Asian Feminist Theology: 'Instead of presenting Mary as a gentle, docile and sanctified mother, some Asian feminist theologians have reclaimed her as a model of a fully liberated human being. As a virgin, she is a self-defining woman, not subject to other human beings; as a mother, she is the giver of life; as a sister, she stands in solidarity with other oppressed women.'
"You see, it is possible to see Mary in a different light, as a woman who first outlined the revolution that her son was to preach." Doireann shut the book. "In Latin America, as well, there's a more positive image of Mary. She's regarded as a sister of the mestizo, sharing the lives of poor women and committed to the liberation of the poor and the establishment of a more just societal order."
She replaced the book on the shelf. "In these readings, Mary is not at all passive. She becomes in fact a liberating figure for women."
Rhoda gazed sadly across at Doireann. "I guess it will be a few years yet till you'll realise your dream of becoming a priest."
Doireann shook her head. "It won't happen in my lifetime."
She looked round at her little family: "Now all I hope is for us to be accepted by the Church so that we can worship together as a family."
"I know," Rhoda sighed. "It's hard. I miss worshipping in a church. The comfort of lighting a candle and praying alongside other people. I miss receiving the bread, the whole ritual of Sunday morning Mass.
"I would have liked that for Cliona - but how can we take her when all she would hear is that our entire way of life is based on evil? Yet look at what she's missing."
"No," said Doireann firmly. "Look at what the Catholic Church is missing." She gave their daughter a hug. "A chance to celebrate the richness and complexity of modern family life in all its wonderful diversity. Cliona, I love you to bits."
She smiled across at Rhoda: "Aren't we blessed in our life together?"
Rhoda nodded. "Very blessed," she said.
Meanwhile Carl had finished reading the report in The Irish Times. The attack on feminism was all good stuff, but where was the mention of the role fathers had to play in family life? Cardinal Ratzinger's document spoke of valuing the work of women within the family, but what of men? He seemed to imply that the life of the home belonged to women. Fathers didn't get a look in.
Carl folded up his newspaper with an air of disappointment.
It was as he was strolling down to the shop to buy some milk that the thought occurred to him. Had Cardinal Ratzinger perhaps been got at by feminists? Was this the reason that the document focused on women's central role in the home and played down men's contribution?
The more he turned this thought over in his mind, the more plausible it seemed. A feminist cabal had somehow infiltrated the Vatican and was now writing Cardinal Ratzinger's documents for him. This would have to be investigated.
Entering the shop, he was appalled to discover it no longer stocked full-cream milk but only girly semi-skimmed. Well, he knew who was to blame for that.