"That's a lovely shade of nail varnish.""It is, isn't it, you'd never guess where I got it from. Boots.""Really? It's amazing what you can get in Boots these days. Don't look now, but there's a fellow over there trying to catch our eye. What colour would you say it is?", writes Kevin Myers.
"Is it the weedy looking guy with the glasses? He complained about his first course. Ignore him. It said Tropical Topaz on the bottle."
"Tropical Topaz? Yeah, he's got glasses, but he's SO not weedy. I wouldn't have thought topaz so much as amber. In fact, he's a hunk."
"I'd say more gamboge than amber. That bloke in the saffron sweater's just raised a hand. What did he have, first course?"
"Buffalo wings. They were off, too, by the smell of them. Phew. That was a nice varnish you had on yesterday as well. What would you call that? Salmon?"
"Salmon? You SO wouldn't catch me dead wearing salmon nail varnish. No, it was Cap d'Antibes peach, and it went perfectly with that Moroccan Magenta blouse I got from Next."
"The one you bought with me? That wasn't Moroccan Magenta, it was Saharan Maroon."
"Maybe it was more Dalmatian Damask than Moroccan Magenta, but it was never Saharan Maroon. That nice skirt you were wearing on Saturday, that was Saharan Maroon. The old bag over there's all agitated, as if she wants her bill. Pick up a piece of paper, scratch your head and look puzzled. That always puts them off."
"Is that puzzled enough? I'd never have said Saharan Maroon. Carnage Scarlet, more like."
"You know that coeliac, the one you promised not to give a sauce with wheat in it, and then you did? Well, she's just rushed to the loo. Fireworks there pretty soon, I'd imagine. Scarlet? It was SO not scarlet. Rose du Barry, perhaps. It's all right, you can stop looking puzzled now, the old bag's given up any hope of getting the bill for the time being."
"Talking of which, you still seeing that Barry fellow, the one you met at The Pod?"
"Him? Nah. Couldn't be arsed. He is SO not interesting. Cool dress sense, though. Remember that man's shirt I had on the other day that you liked so much?"
"The pearl one? That wasn't his, was it?"
"More ivory than pearl. That was his. I robbed it as I left, and he never noticed. Don't look now, but you know that old fellow by the window who said he was diabetic and couldn't take sugar, well he's started on the hyper-glucose dessert you gave him and he's SO got a suspicious look on his face."
"It's all right, I told him it was a new form of substitute that tasted just like sugar. That Barry, didn't he have real cool aquamarine shirt? You should have robbed that."
"Would you call that aquamarine? I'd have said electric azure. The vegan woman you gave oxtail soup too, now, she's wearing aquamarine. It's all right, you can look, she won't notice, she's getting sick. She can clean it up when she's finished."
"I'd never say that was aquamarine. That's more turquoise."
"Turquoise? The woman you put by the door to the men's loo because you didn't like her glasses, her blouse, now that's turquoise."
"She still here? But she's been here over an hour and she still hasn't even seen a menu. Anyway, that's not turquoise, more Corfu cerulean."
"She's getting her coat. No, definitely turquoise."
"Catch her eye and smile as if you're just coming. That always settles them down for a quarter of an hour at least. With luck, she'll be too late for lunch anywhere. Hold on. I think that couple you gave the duff wine from last night are trying to attract our attention."
"Are they? She'd got a lovely skirt. Amazon emerald, would you say?"
"Hmm. Perhaps a bit more Venetian verdigris. Oh Jesus, don't look now, but I think the old cow in tweed has discovered the fishbone you put in her chicken."
"Is she looking cross?"
"Not cross. Just purple. Oops, there she goes, passed out."
"That's not purple. That's carmine."
"Carmine? You could be right. Any news from Patrick Guilbaud's?"
"Didn't get the job. Unbelievable. Because I'm not French, you can bet."
"Of course it is. That is SO racist. I think the diabetic just died. He's slumped across his table. He's gone all chalky."
"Call that chalky? That's not chalky. That's ashen. The vegan, now, she's chalky."
KEVIN MYERS