Dublin Corporation is pleased to announce its new traffic management scheme. Drivers from the northside heading to the southside should enter the free-flow axis heading from Castleknock to Navan.
There they will be able to join the exciting new park'n'ride scheme: for a mere €20 they can leave their cars for the entire day, and the bus journey into Dublin is completely free of charge. Passengers will change buses at Ashbourne and Coolock before alighting at Phibsborough, from where they will have to walk the rest of the way. (A bit of exercise will do you no harm. Look at the belly on you.)
Traffic emanating from Killiney and Dalkey will be directed on to the M50, and thence to the Red Cow Roundabout, where a Luas should be along in a few weeks. CIÉ is expecting some tents to arrive from its North Korean manufacturer any day now, which should make it easier for travellers at the encampment. U2, on their way to Dublin airport, were among those obliged to join the Red Cow Roundabout Reservation. On his second day there, Bono tried to address the residents of the Roundabout on third world hunger. He was promptly killed and eaten by some strange-looking nuns. He was, one said, flossing her teeth wistfully, possessed of a strange, minty flavour, rather like. . .what was it? Seaside rock? Polos? No. Humbug.
Even more dramatic developments are expected for traffic in the city centre. Vehicles around St Stephen's Green will now move in an anti-clockwise direction, except for those intended to exit on to Leeson Street, which will move in a clockwise direction - but only during office hours, in months with an "r". Otherwise they will move in an anti-clockwise direction, which of course will make it impossible for them to turn into Leeson Street at all. City engineers are working on a solution to the problem, and have given themselves the pressing deadline of 2008 to sort it out. In the meantime, motorists wishing to exit St Stephen's Green at Leeson Street are advised to stay at home until this small teething problem has been solved.
There are comparable problems for motorists wishing to exit the Green at Cuffe Street, Dawson Street, Merrion Row, Harcourt Street and Earlsfort Terrace. All such vehicles should travel clockwise, except on Leap Years and during Rogation Days, plus Advent. But we still haven't worked out a safe way of exiting the Green. So, for the time being, until safe exit strategies have been worked out, cars on the Green will stay on the Green.
Meanwhile, traffic coming down Harcourt Street will be obliged to turn left onto Cuffe Street, but will not be allowed to enter St Stephen's Green. Nor is any provision being made for it to find a way on to the Green once it has been directed away from it. (Screw you anyway. What were you doing on Harcourt Street in the first place?) In fact, the only way of getting on to Stephen's Green is via Leeson Street, and the only way to get to Leeson Street is via the Holyhead ferry and Dun Laoghaire.
So very simple: start your journey in Wales.
What is really exciting about our new traffic system is its integration. The jam of cars on the Green will integrate perfectly with the jam of Luas: if synchronised correctly, this will cause a jam at the Merrion Gates, hence preventing the DART from moving in either direction. This should cause huge build-ups of passengers at DART stations across the city, and of course, cars in traffic jams will of necessity be illegally parked, unmoving in the centre of the road, and will be clamped, generating absolutely zillions in revenue.
Which brings us to another leg in the joined-up traffic system - the Arrow trains from Kildare, breaking down without explanation at Maynooth, Sallins, Celbridge, Hazel Hatch and occasionally Carlow - that is, when there's an "r" in the month, or it's a feria day. Which doesn't explain why the Kildare-Dublin commuter once broke down in Belmullet. Our chaps are still working on that. We'll let you know.
The central point is that just before the Arrow train arrives at Heuston Station, the connecting buses for the city centre depart, leaving the passengers to scamper on foot down the quays. Ah yes, the quays. Haven't mentioned them yet. Vital.
Absolutely vital. So here goes. . .
The quays will remain one-way: that is, traffic will move in the same direction on both quays, away from the city centre. Vehicles wishing to head towards O'Connell Bridge from upriver are urged to take the alternative route to Slane, which will be clearly indicated by "diversion" signs. These will be Irish diversion signs, which will simply cease to exist once they have drawn the drivers across a Meath bog into a particularly virulent housing estate, which is full of cul-de-sacs containing burnt-out cars, but has no more diversion signs, street names, or exits.
There, they will find themselves surrounded by staring crowds of gnarled, unwashed folk with large eyebrows and small foreheads, who all resemble the love-child born from the sex-scene in Deliverance. But stay! Are they not strangely familiar? Indeed they are - some of their sisters became nuns, and are at this very moment busy flossing away on the Red Cow Roundabout. There's also a park'n'ride scheme in this estate, but it involves no buses.
There now. With these simple, easy-to-follow measures, we in Dublin Corporation are confident that - finally - we've cracked the problem of Dublin traffic.