You have decided to become a househusband - and in this day and age, why not? But as you lie on your bed, imagining yourself bringing in the milk in your dressing-gown, making a hair appointment for yourself and teaching the children how to play the recorder, you are struck by a nagging thought. What am I supposed to do, asks David Brown.
Right! The first thing to do is to get up. You don't need to clean yourself as you will have plenty of time for a bath later, but do shave yourself to look presentable. Speed is essential here - get ahead of the pack, and then stay there.
Get downstairs first and put some household items in the hallway, by the front door. Spouses hate having things cluttering up the hallway. When she is out at work you will put these things back where you just found them. This is called housework, and will please your spouse.
It may seem like doing things the wrong way round, but the first meal to prepare is School Lunch. This can consist initially of crisps but, as you grow into your new role, you will effortlessly add biscuits and cordial as well. Don't bother making anything nice - they won't eat it anyway.
Breakfast is easy as the cornflakes and toast pretty much do themselves. She is in a hurry and will hustle the children into the car - and
then. . .Silence! Alone in your castle. Maybe by a lakeside somewhere, with the mist rising over a field of your vanquished enemies. Time for reflection, the happiest 12 seconds of your life.
But before it's time for the newspaper, canapés and cigars, you will have to do the dishes and the laundry. This is not as arduous as it sounds, as most houses have machines for these tasks, but it is important not to mix them up. Most clothes will wash OK in a dishwasher, as long as they are well spread out and you use the right powder. But never put tights in a dishwasher. Tights are the things that look like stretchy tea-bags.
In many ways, being a successful househusband is the same as being successful in any other profession. You are a dynamic, well-motivated self-starter, a key member of the family management team, and are thus being relied upon to go out and do the shopping. You will find the shopping list under the fruit-shaped fridge magnet and it will normally have "Food, Toilet Paper" written on it. Food is easy if you limit yourself to buying only tinned foods at first. When you know what foods your family prefer and enjoy you are ready to begin purchasing frozen foods. Mixing tinned and frozen foods together is a good way of giving your family a balanced diet and making meals more interesting.
Conversely, purchasing toilet paper is a highly complex undertaking requiring a keen head for figures and skilful diplomacy. Too much quilting will leave you open to accusations of over-spending and the misuse of the family finances, but too few plies will expose you as an insensitive Scrooge. A good compromise is to purchase kitchen roll and laugh at your "mistake". Your spouse will certainly need some before you do and will get some on her way home from work in any case.
Lunch can be the most difficult adjustment of all for the novice househusband as it is not taken in the pub with all the other executives, but in a coffee shop, which is located in the shopping centre. This will be your first experience of mingling with a large group of people who, although being women, are really just like you. If you wish to be less conspicuous, dress smartly but not formally, carry your shopping with you at all times, and order salad and cakes. The carvery period of your life is over, and it is best to just let it go.
When you collect your children from school you must observe School Lane Etiquette. Women stand on the left, men on the right. You will probably be standing there on your own. This is because you are odd. You are a househusband, and they are married to men. You must be on time for the school collection, not only to prove that you can cope, but that you are sufficiently responsible as an adult to bring your children's friends to your home also.
You may also need to feed these children and it is best to feed them chips because (a) you can probably make them and (b) they will probably eat them. Children love chips. What they don't like are fresh fruit and vegetables. You will need to prepare these anyway, because their parents will check they were offered them, but they don't really need to be that fresh as the children won't eat them.
Homework is a special time for you and your child, as you pass on the distilled knowledge of generations of family learning to your grateful, eager progeny. They must normally complete assignments in reading, writing and sums. Your child will appreciate your help with their writing assignments, especially if you do the writing for them, which is faster. It is best to write with your so-called "weaker hand", to better approximate to your child's handwriting.
Preparing your spouse's dinner should be the crowning achievement of your day. One useful recipe is Spouse's Soup, for which you go round to your spouse's mother and collect a large pot of soup. This, to your spouse, will taste like real soup; your soup will not. Save one quarter of the soup and eat the rest. This is your starter soup, which you can use on day two by adding old fruit, vegetables and tinned foods to make another batch.You can do this pretty much for ever, as long as you remember to save your starter soup for the next day.
Nothing will please your spouse more than you having a satisfying and tasty meal ready for her after a long day's work. Refreshed, she will then proceed to "straighten things up a bit", which means doing all the actual housework, and "put the children to bed", which is to clean them and to perform all necessary physical maintenance. Now is the time for you to relax, a job well done.
Consider making a note to order an extra newspaper for tomorrow, and keep the wrapper from the toilet paper.