It's not only nations that have anthems. Many large companies have them too. And although competition is extremely stiff, my douze points for the catchiest corporate anthem goes to "Our Vision of Global Strategy", by the global accountancy giant KPMG, writes Frank McNally.
I can't do it full justice without the music (which can apparently be downloaded from all good ring-tone retailers). But the chorus lyrics give a hint of the song's emotional power. They go as follows: "KPMG/ We're as Strong as can be/ A team of Power/And Energy/ We go for the gold/ Together we hold/ Onto our vision/ Of global strategy." All right, critics might ask what exactly "a vision of global strategy" is. Unkind commentators might suggest that the company could just as well have a "strategy of global vision" and nobody would be any the wiser. But that, arguably, is the whole point of the song.
Put yourself in the shoes of the composer, whose task was to express the mission statement of a multinational firm of 113,000 employees, working under the broad umbrella of "professional services". When you're trying to summarise a company that does everything from auditing the UN's International Fund for Iraq to supervising the mid-week Lotto draw, it's important to keep your sentiments vague.
Although Our Vision of Global Strategyis mostly pragmatic in tone, it is not without poetry. Note how the writer bravely abandons rhyme at the end of the verse: "We'll be number one/ With effort and Fun/ Together each of us can run/ For gold - that shines like the sun in our eyes." The message seems to be that the company is flexible, equally comfortable with rhyming and free-form work, while also keeping an open mind on the whole scanning issue.
National anthems are mission statements too, for whole countries rather than firms. And before we get snooty about the quality of corporate composition, we should consider the political versions. You can pick any country at random, really, because the typical national anthem could have been written by a computer programme.
First it must suggest that the nation concerned has reached a crisis/cross-roads/moment of truth (delete as appropriate). The enemy is usually massed somewhere, typically beyond the horizon/on our shores/at the gate. The time is therefore now/nigh/well-nigh for all true Frenchmen/Italians/Kazakhstanis to rise up. In rising, they will throw off their chains/fetters/existentialist ennui. But having risen, their options will invariably be reduced to two: death/freedom.
Ireland was not immune from this fashion when it adopted an anthem in the early years of independence. Amhrán na bhFiann differs from the standard only by mentioning a particular enemy ("Saxon foe") in the small print, just as the Saxon foe's anthem does ("Rebellious Scots"). This was not an option in central Europe, for example, where you could be invaded from anywhere.
And arguably, the Soldier's Song was a realistic mission statement for its era. A line like "In Erin's Cause/ Come woe or weal/ Mid cannons' roar/ And rifles' peal" was an accurate enough description of trading conditions in the Ireland of the 1920s. But 80 years on, it looks dated. It is certainly not the statement of a confident, outward-looking nation, with a well-developed peace process, a GDP the size of Switzerland's, and a hit dance show running simultaneously in every country in the world.
So now that Amhrán Na bhFiann has finally met God Save the Queen on a level playing pitch, maybe - as Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh says - it is time to rewrite both. It can be only a matter of time before the European Commission introduces regulation in this area, anyway. Before long, Brussels is sure to bring in a directive banning - for starters - songs that suggest using the blood of enemies in rural irrigation schemes. La Marseillaise - the foie gras of politically incorrect anthems - will be in trouble then. But the Soldier's Song and God Save the Queen will probably breach the directive too. Which is why we should seize the high moral ground now by self-regulating, like the Germans did.
There's no reason we couldn't hold on to the tune (as I hope the French will, post-directive). We could even keep some of the lyrics, with a few changes here and there to reflect the more complex Ireland of the 21st century.
I'm not a songwriter, but the revised version might mention things like the Irish love of complaining. Maybe the new line could go: "In Erin's Cause/ Come weal or woe/ When all else fails/ We talk to Joe". Or perhaps that might be a better place to allude to Ireland's economic success, which is of course heavily dependent on our command of business clichés: "In Erin's cause/ Come weal or woe/ Going forward/ Ducks in a row." Those are just suggestions. Naturally, there would have to be the widest possible consultation before a new version is written. It would be vital to avoid alienating any sections of society at home, or indeed any trading partners abroad.
Come to think of it, the job of advising us on a new anthem would probably have to be farmed out - at vast expense - to a firm of consultants. The company chosen would need lots of energy, but a sense of fun too. It goes without saying that a vision of global strategy, or a strategy of global vision, or both, would also be required. If anyone has any ideas, let me know.