My father-in-law tells a great yarn about an old farmer who lived near him when he was young. The poor man used to get his water from a stream that ran close to his house and the tea he drank often had frog-spawn floating in it. It probably didn't taste very nice, but it did him no harm: the man lived to see his 90th birthday. That little anecdote - and the fact that roughly a billion people on the planet have no access to fresh water - seems a good place to start a discussion about "luxury waters".
The priciest water on sale in Ireland is the Norwegian brand Voss, which is available at the Ice Bar in the Four Seasons Hotel and the trendy Dylan Hotel. At the Dylan it costs €9 for a 0.8 litre bottle (we're always giving out about the cost of petrol but at approximately €1 per litre, it's cheap compared with Voss). Norwegian newspapers recently reported that the company which produces Voss asked the authorities in the nearby town to drill a new well to supply locals so that Voss could have sole use of the famous spring. In other words, the fact that local residents were flushing their toilets with the product was considered detrimental to the brand's exclusivity.
That tells you pretty much all you need to know about the bottled water debate. One man's €9-a-bottle lifestyle choice is what another man uses to wash his teeth free of charge. The only difference between the two is a fancy bottle and some clever marketing. Does Voss taste any better than standard water? Well, it tastes nice. But it's not €9 nice.
We drink 160 million litres of bottled water each year in Ireland and, apart from the environmental concerns (65 per cent of the bottles go to landfill), the obvious question is: is the stuff any better than what comes from the tap? The Thames Water Company in England reported that in a blindfolded taste challenge, wine writer Richard Ehrlich opted for tap water over two leading bottled brands. In fact, he was so impressed by the tap water he described it as "so pure and neutral it was almost sweet". High praise indeed. Why not try a test yourself and see if you notice the difference?
There was a great scene in a 1992 episode of Only Fools and Horses in which Del started bottling tap water in his flat and calling it Peckham Spring Water. How we laughed. Who would have thought the scam would catch on? An estimated 40 per cent of the water on the bottled market globally is purified mains water, so unless it specifically says spring water on the label, you are paying for the same drink that comes from the tap. Coca Cola has the following to say on its website about where their bottled water Dasani comes from: "Coca-Cola Bottlers start with the local water supply, which is then filtered for purity using a state-of-the-art process called reverse osmosis." Reverse osmosis, eh?
Meanwhile, water becomes more and more exclusive in the West with producers, bars and restaurants falling over themselves to encourage us to view water like a fine wine. Colette Water Bar in Paris offers more than 60 brands, while the top selling H2O at Water Works restaurant in Philadelphia is Bling H20, priced at $50 a bottle and poured from a corked frosted bottle handcrafted with Swarovski crystals. It seems the more you charge the more people want it. Water Works even has a "water sommelier" who will advise on which water to drink with your food. Eau dear.
A Californian called Michael Mascha has written a book on the subject and even set up a website, www.finewaters.com, to introduce readers to the "epicurean delights of water". The website is full of tips for the budding water connoisseur, including optimum temperature and stemware, and how to differentiate between the "loud" bubbles of a sparkling water such as Perrier and the effervescent small bubbles of Voss.
Conrad Boult, bar manager at the Dylan Hotel, says the style of the Voss brand is as important as what is in the bottle. "We just wanted something a little different and Voss is very big in the UK at the moment. The bottle is almost a fashion statement and it fits in nicely with the boutique feel of the hotel." So, as the marketing executives are at pains to point out, it's not about the water. It's a statement about who you are. Take that as you will.
Customers of the Dylan clearly think they are worth it. "We have a very up-market clientele who think nothing of paying €140 for a bottle of champagne. In that context, €9 for water is not much. People are paying to be in a nice establishment and they come here for the atmosphere." What would happen if I asked for a glass of tap water?
"If people specify that they want tap water then we will give it. Of course we will. We are not in the business of ripping people off." So the choice is yours, it would appear: €9 a bottle or on the house? You decide.